What Are You So Afraid Of?

I've become close with one of the workers in the cafeteria here where I go to school. She always can tell when I am having a not-so-good day. She saw me tonight and asked what was wrong and we had a rather deep conversation right in the middle of the food court. She shared some personal things with me about her life and offered this suggestion:

"When it comes to mental illness, people are afraid of it. They are afraid they won't know how to deal with it, they won't be strong enough to deal with it. You are a good role model. People are afraid if they woke up with similar circumstances as you, they would be afraid they wouldn't be as strong as you are."

And it made me think, you know, maybe people are afraid of me, and that's why they are withdrawn.

But, that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is to talk about my own personal fear. Because, honestly, I don't think I've handled my fear with this illness very well.

When I first lost my ability to walk, I was scared stiff. When the words "partial paralysis" were delivered to me by my doctor, I didn't know what to think.

When days went by and I was showing no improvement or getting back any strength in my legs, I was terrified. I was terrified that I was never going to get any better.

And I was terrified during my "wait" to see the psychiatrist. Not knowing what I was going to be officially diagnosed with.

And I am still trembling with fear. I'm personally afraid that even though I'm showing improvement, I'm not ever going to be completely healed. I'm afraid I'm going to keep wrecking relationships. I'm afraid I won't be able to hold a job. I'm afraid no one will ever be able to love someone who is mentally ill.

I am frightened of what is coming next. Because I don't know.

I used to go to bed at night, frightened. And wake up even more afraid of what challenges the day was going to entail, and I was so nervous that I was not going to have the strength to face them.

Let's face it. I'm not a very good role model. I'm a coward. I'm a wuss. I admit it.

Let's face it. I haven't handled this as well as I should have. While I say "I've done the best I can", would I be where I am today and face some of the problems I am still sorting out if I did not handle this very well?

I am reminded of the story in Matthew 14, where Jesus goes off to pray and the disciples take off in the boat. When the disciples saw Jesus approaching them, walking on the water, they were "terrified" and they "cried out in fear"

Jesus gives clear instructions: "Take Courage! It is I! Do not be afraid!"

But Peter still doubts, and when he tries to walk on water, he sinks. Jesus asks him why he doubts. "What are you so afraid of?"

Peter doubted Jesus when the winds rose and he began to sink.

I pray tonight that God would give me the courage to trust him. The winds have gotten so strong in my life that I've started to sink. I know I shouldn't be afraid, but I am.

But tonight, and every day, God says "Take Courage! It is I! Do not be afraid!"

Recently, I've been waking up and instead of asking myself "What is going to go wrong today that I should prepare myself for?", I've been saying this prayer:

God, help me remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that you and I can't handle together.

I look forward to the day when God will finally calm this storm. Until then, may he grant me the courage to not be afraid and to trust him when He calls me to walk to Him. Only in Him can I find perfect contentment and peace. And all my anxieties and fears can be cast aside only in His arms.