Listening Ears

"You can stop by any time and talk!"  I heard that three times today, and I've heard it many times before. Briefly at lunch I vented my frustrations to two theology professors as they were getting their food, and tonight at a band concert to a music professor sitting next to me.

"You can stop by any time and talk!"

Those are the best words I can hear right now. The most comforting words I can hear. It is so nice to know that I have so many theology professors, pastors, education professors, music professors, and other staff and faculty here on campus who are on my side. It is so comforting, because no matter what I tell them, they are not judging me, letting my illness define me, or pushing blame on me. They are all the kindest, most sincere people I have ever worked with. And while sometimes they have to tell me I am thinking irrationally, they go about it so kindly and sincerely.

It seems as though as my mood is elevated and I undergo intense cognitive psychotherapy to control my uncontrollable thoughts, it seems like all that is left to do is to clean up the mess I've made.

The mess I've made and the drama I created with friends and relationships. I'm still sorting through it. Still losing sleep over some things I've said or done. Still beating myself up for it. While each one of these caring adults has reminded me that none of what I've done is in any way my fault, it seems that isn't quite enough to convince me.

It seems like I need to see evidence, hear from other people that it's okay, the mess has been sorted out, and they are not angry or don't wish to speak to me. I want to begin a new normal and until this drama is cleaned up and sorted through, that's not going to happen. Because if it's not, then it is still defining me and people are still using the past to define the future. And that's not okay.

And now, the only "help" I need from people are listening ears. While I am not letting the illness define me and that is the farthest topic of conversation from my peer relationships, simply talking to someone about life in general is so good for my continued progress toward optimal wellness.

I love talking. I love being around people. That's the new me, and that's not going to change. I have learned to let go, and let God, and I wish others could do the same.