Talking Like an Ice Dispenser

I chose to read It's Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini for an upcoming Banned Books project in Adolescent Lit. The project is new, so I've just chosen the book and just cracked it open for a quick read through the first few chapters. It is about mental illness, and Chapter One starts off saying that it's hard to talk when you're mentally ill. It's something I've had trouble describing to others, but Vizzini (this is actually an autobiographical work) describes things fairly accurately:

That's above and beyond everything else, and it's not a mental complaint- it's a physical thing, like it's physically hard to open your mouth and make words come out. They don't come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people's words do; they come out in chunks as if from a crushed ice dispenser; you stumble on them as they gather on your lower lip. So you just keep quiet.


And that's coming from the first page of the book, so I am anxious to see other ways this author is able to describe some nightmares associated with this illness.

Because that is accurate- I have felt like my brain has lost connection with my mouth, and while my words aren't necessarily in "chunks," I tend to say things that I normally wouldn't say.

In fact, many times, after I have regained a sense of calm after an erupting/upsetting situation, I think, Dylan, did you REALLY just say those things?!  And I sit in regret and wallow in shame.

That's why for a while, I kept my conversation with people to a minimum. And those who I did associate with suffered the lash of my tongue. I said things I will forever regret. I don't know if it really was me, or if it was the illness speaking. All I know is that I have lost total control before.

I am happy to report that I have gained almost complete control over what comes sliding out of my mouth. I credit it to my recent change in medication. There is just something that has changed ever since I got off the old medication and on to the new. I didn't think it could work so fast, and it might just be a placebo affect (time will tell if that was the case), but at any rate, things are much better. Everything nowadays I say and do seems to be deliberate and from MY heart, not from the heart of the illness.

And it's a relief to know that there is another person out there who has experienced similar things. It's not just me. Someone else understands. I'm not an inexplicable case. Other people have faced this struggle.

These last few days have just been filled with so many affirmative, positive and I like it. I am really starting to think the "new" Dylan is here to stay. A visit with my psychiatrist on Monday afternoon will tell if we are on the right track and what is the next step to take. Prayers still needed and appreciated!