Sinking

Lately, I've had a feeling of being trapped- the feeling has been especially strong in the last 48 hours. I'm not sure why, but I'm hoping it subsides soon.

As a patient with a broken leg, back pain, stomach pain, etc. can't often get their pain to just go away, I am the same way with my emotional pain.

I feel as though I'm being constrained by ropes. As if I'm being smothered, trapped in a small black box with a thick, smokey darkness encompassing me and trapping me.

It's getting harder and harder to breathe.

As I've said before, sleep has been my only escape. Lately people may have seen me hunched over, my head between my hands. The thoughts, feelings, pain are so strong that I am trying to get them out.

I want nothing more than an escape. I feel as though I've set food in sinking sand and each day pulls me down further and further.

There are days which I pull myself up, but, then it seems as though the next day brings a new challenge or hardship which pulls me right back down.

And I'm just getting so tired. So tired of pulling myself up. How much longer? Before long, will I be completely sunk and immersed in this sinking sand?

I wouldn't compare this to a bad headache because there's no throbbing pain, but, I would compare it to the headache in a sense that the pain is constant and sits there and will not budge.

As I was writing this, especially the sinking sand part, I was reminded of a familiar hymn, which brings me hope and optimism about the future. The first verse goes something like this:

My hope is built on nothing less
than Jesus' blood and righteousness,
No merit of my own I claim
but wholly lean on Jesus' name.
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand.