Love is Expensive

Professor R is outstanding. I had a very long, personal conversation with him about the many things I am facing in my life, "behind the scenes" battles if you will, and it was good to be able to share them with him and know that I am not the only one facing some of this stuff and having problems. Everyone has their own cross to bear. I wish I had carried a tape recorder to record every word he said, because there was so much good stuff to soak up and I'm sure I missed some of what he said because I was too hung up on something good he had said and I wanted to remember it. 


I'd like to share, and elaborate, on some of the things he shared with me. The thing that struck me the most is "Love is expensive." Friends and family who have been helping me get through this have realized that. Friends are called to fulfill their vocations as friends and colleagues, and no one ever promised that it would be easy. Sometimes helping each other is emotionally and physically taxing- but as Christians, we are called to love one another, and sometimes that's expensive on our parts. Sometimes the crosses we bear become crosses that others help us bear, and we do it out of love. We are called to love as Christ loved us (John 13). And sometimes, it's okay to step back and take a break. But we should never forget our calling as disciples of Jesus.


I referred yesterday to not knowing "why" this was happening- and he simply said "That's none of your business. It's God's business. Asking 'why' is for people working with Physics." He also said that sometimes a car gets in the ditch, and it is not important why it got there, but what it's important is that it gets out. I don't really care or am going to investigate further "why" I have had a mood elevation these last few days. It doesn't really matter.


He also explained that this illness makes me able to relate to Jesus more, and Jesus to me more. I know to an extent the feelings that Christ felt on the week of His betrayal. Professor R remarked, "This will make you excellent at choosing and playing Lenten music." 


We especially looked at Matthew 26:36-46:  Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter. “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.” When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. So he left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing. Then he returned to the disciples and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Look, the hour has come, and the Son of Man is delivered into the hands of sinners. Rise! Let us go! Here comes my betrayer!”


Basically, it's what has been happening to me, but in a different experience! I had not made that connection before, but he made it right away- I have said to my friends that my soul is overwhelmed, and asked for their help. I have prayed to God that "take this cup from me." (He will, in His time).  And my friends have been willing to help, and their spirit has been willing, but their flesh has become weak. I've grown frustrated, and said "Couldn't you keep watch with me for one hour?!"  But, it's not their fault. They are only human. They have the old adam in them. Everyone does. It's nobody's fault. 


Which brings up another good point we discussed. I still cannot get past feeling blame, fault, or shame for what has been happening. He compared it to someone with Cancer, Parkinson's disease, Diabetes, etc. For them to apologize for their condition would be absurd. This is a condition which is not my fault. I have no reason to be sorry or apologize or whatever. I certainly didn't ask for this to happen and I certainly don't mean for other people to be affected negatively. But it has happened. And I pray that people are filled with understanding, compassion, and forgiveness. Because I am not to blame. 


I also expressed that I feared people were becoming uncomfortable with me. He said "Bearing crosses was not meant to be comfortable, ask Jesus... do you think that He was ever comfortable when His last week began?" 


Everyone has their own cross(es) to bear. This is one of mine. I am doing the best I can. Nobody's job is to remove the cross or the cup from me, but to love me and help me through it, even though it may be expensive. In Matthew 16, we hear Jesus say, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." (v. 24). No where there does it say bearing the cross would be easy. No where in there does it say it would be comfortable. It's a part of following Christ. It's a part of loving one another. It's our role as disciples of Christ and sharing His love.


For love was really expensive- it cost God His only Son. That was the most expensive love of all. John 3:16. 


On the way out he said something that made me smile:
"You're a good man. Don't you ever forget that or let anyone try and make you feel otherwise."