Power and Pills

30 blue pills spilled across my carpet.

I stared at them. Felt them between my fingers.

Does the power to change my life start in these chemical compounds?


I put them all in my hand, rubbed them, and put them back in the bottle.

Sertraline. That's what it's labeled. Sertraline. Does the combination of chemicals in "sertraline" hold the power to bring me to the path of wellness?

Too many unknowns.

I've realized I've never explained the journey I've taken with medication. I started off on a small dose of Lexapro.

The amount of Lexapro wasn't doing anything. Lexapro (Escitalopram) is an SSRI. SSRI stands for selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. These allow the neurotransmitter of serotonin to be utilized more effectively. Serotonin is necessary to metabolize stress and hormones. When it's not being produced to its potential, depression and anxiety occur.

That wasn't enough. I couldn't get rid of my nausea, sleeplesness, and loss of appetite.

The drug Mirtazapine was added on. Mirtazapine is not an SSRI, but an atypical antidepressant. This drug works to balance the neurotransmitters norepinephine and dopamine.

That seemed to do the trick- at least with the side effects. The thoughts and feelings still stuck, sometimes even getting worse.

A message from the insurance company put a halt on me taking Lexapro. They tried to tell the Dr. what to do and refused to cover Lexapro, as something cheaper was not proven to be effective.

So I weaned myself off of the Lexapro and onto Citalopram.

Weeks passed and I noticed no difference. I expressed my concern to my doctor and she doubled the dosage.

Yesterday, I went in and expressed more concern. I am convinced it hasn't done anything, and never will. She listened to me. And now I have Sertraline.

Sertraline. What a beautiful word. I am praying that God uses it to work in me to bring me back to wholeness and completeness.

While the pills help, ultimately the power to heal comes from my Father, God, and only He can bring me through this. Pray that He does.