Overflowing

I heard a story a few weeks ago that I can't help but share.


A man named James Vanderbrook was a cruel man. In Africa, he kidnapped a family's soon, took him, and burned him to death. This was a father and mother's only son.


8 years later, he came back, and kidnapped the father. He and his henchmen took the mother along, to witness this torture and death of her husband. He made her watch as he burned him to death. As the fire and the smoke rose above his body, she listened to the last words of her dying husband who said, amazingly enough, “Father, forgive them.” 

When James Vanderbrook was caught, he was brought to trial. During the Truth and Reconciliation hearings, the woman was asked ‘how do you believe justice should be done to this man who has inflicted such suffering on you and so brutally destroyed your family’? 

The old woman replied that she wanted three things. “I want to be taken first to where my husband’s body was burned so that I my gather up the dust and give his remains a decent burial,” she said. She stopped, collected herself and then went on.

“My husband and son were my only family. I want secondly, therefore, for Mr. Vanderbrook to become my son. I would like for him to come two times a month to the ghetto where I live and spend a day with me so I can pour out to him whatever love I still have remaining in me.” 

“Finally,” she said, “I would like Mr. Vanderbrook to know that I offer him my forgiveness because Christ died to forgive. This was also the wish of my husband." 

"So I would like now for someone to lead me across the courtroom so I can take Mr. Vanderbrook in my arms, embrace him and let him know that he is truly forgiven. “

The assistants came to help the elderly woman across the room and, as they approached, it is reported that Mr.Vanderbrook fainted. 

Those in the courtroom, all family and friends of those victims and perpetrators of unspeakable violence and oppression, began to sing ‘Amazing Grace’.

That is a true story. It was taken from the reports of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa. The breaking point for the elderly South African woman should have been the brutal death of her husband and son. Instead, it became a turning point – a time when she turned all of her sorrow and grief, her pain and anguish into an act of radical love and forgiveness. 


Isn't that so awesome?  It is a story that touched my heart. It is my home church's centennial and our theme verse is Colossians 2:6-7 -- "Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving"


Other translations say "overflowing with thankfulness".


That's the way our hearts should be. When they're so deeply rooted in Christ, they can't help but to pour forth His love and compassion in every circumstance and situation.


Things are still going well-- very well-- for me. In 3 weeks, I will move to my new apartment in my new town to begin my new life in a new place. 


And I want people to see that my heart is overflowing with thankfulness. In my words and in my actions. 

Three Months is a Long Time

Hello friends,

Many of you are probably wondering where I’ve gone and why it’s been three months since you last heard from me.  Hopefully I can give you an idea here.

I first want to let you all know that it was never my intention to abruptly abandon Blogger and my followers. I guess it sort of just… happened. I’ve thought of you all often, but in a sense I was “afraid” to enter back into the world of blogging. I think, because, I’ve been embarrassed that I left without any sort of explanation.

I started this blog December of 2010 when I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I didn’t really know where it would go or how long I would keep up with it. They told me it would take a few years to fully come “around” from the severe depression, and that I would probably battle it for my lifetime. Although it took quite some time, I accepted that’s the way it was.

I wanted to use the blog as an outlet for expressing my struggles, fears, insecurities, and anger. And the blog served that purpose.

But as you remember, toward the end of the Summer, I began showing more and more improvements, and as the school year began, I fell backwards a little bit, but came around again. Though the status of my health fluctuated, the blog did not. It was always there for me.

And as I continued to improve, and God continued to see me through the struggle, I felt as if I had no real stories to share on the blog. I became more self-sufficient and I felt as if I could no longer offer anything to my blog. Sure, I wasn’t quite healed, but my struggles pretty much remained the same. Sure, I was overcoming things, but everyone knew that. And so I let it slip- with the thought in the back of my mind, “You had better keep up every now and then.”

And I guess, now, thanks to the comment dropped by Sarah, I was reminded that there are still people out there who care about me and remain interested in my story. So the “every now and then” has arrived and I’m here to give you an update.

I want everyone to know that I am at a point in my life that I never imagined I would reach. Ever. I knew that God would see me through the depression, but I never imagined I would feel this good, or that I would come this far, or that it was even possible. It just goes to prove that with constant prayer, faithfulness to the Word, hope, and trust, you can overcome anything.

When I was first diagnosed, I was informed that it would be hard for me to keep up with school. That it would be hard to find a job. That I might need to take a year or two off from the “tough” stuff of school and whatnot. That things would probably come around in a few years again.

I can’t begin to say how much I have proved doctors, counselors, teachers, ex-friends, wrong. It is not even a year later from my struggles (I was still severely struggling in April of last year), and here I am today- 3 and a half weeks away from graduating (with honors), and with a JOB already secured beginning in July.

As I said before, I never knew things would- or could- take such a sharp turn for the better. Right now, I am so full of joy and optimism and hope- and happiness. And I don’t see anything changing any time soon.

I have a solid circle of friends who have been nicer, more caring, and more sincere than any other friend I’ve had before. I never knew there were people out there that would care so much for me and love me the way they do. As life goes on, you really do learn who the people are who are willing to stay with you and who will remain your friends for a life time. And you will also find out the people who are only there to use you. And those who are only there to treat you poorly only to build themselves up. You may encounter them- but never get discouraged- there are good people in the world who love you. You might just not realize that or see those people at that time.

I have a job, yes, a job, secured for next year. The whole process went so fast. I was being interviewed by schools, and this one school interviewed me, and a few days later they were ready to hire me. It is a huge church and school, and in the Fall, I will begin serving as the first grade teacher and assistant church music director. It is my dream job- dream area, dream town size, dream congregation size. Everything I was praying about- and it’s now about to come true.

I am graduating. I never gave up on school, pushed through, kept persevering even when the administration told me I couldn’t do it and threatened to expel me from school because of my insufficiencies. Well, here, a year later I’m graduating with honors. You thought I couldn’t do it? Well, administration, you were wrong. Insert sarcasm here- Thanks for keeping your faith in me and believing I could do it. (Yes, there still are some hard feelings here.)

I am finishing student teaching. And I just sort of had a pseudo “mid-term” evaluation today. My cooperating teacher said “You are beyond any student teacher I’ve had. You are excelling and one would never guess you haven’t been teaching for years.” Do you know what that feels like?

Oh, and my psychiatrist told me she was proud of me. PROUD of me. This wasn’t just a kind thing, this was a serious conversation. As in, “Do you know how proud I am of you?” I had a check up a few weeks ago where we finally reached a consensus that I have really far exceeded everyone’s expectations of how far I could come and what I could achieve. She was astounded that less than a year later I was doing so well. She sees/has seen so many patients, but I’m one of the ones that overcame so much in such a short amount of time. And she’s proud of me. Do you know what that feels like?

There you have it. An update on my life from the last three months. It is not thorough by any means. But it’s a start. I’m not signing off here permanently, but I don’t know when I’ll be back. In the mean time, check out Romans 8:31-32. Over the last year, it became my “cling-to” verse and will forever remain my foundation- if God gave us the very best, we can certainly trust Him with all of the rest!

I hope to catch up on other people’s blogs here soon. So you may be hearing from me.

Hang in there with the one who hung on the cross for you.

Sloppy Handwriting

There was a man standing in line at the post office when a gentleman approached him and said, “I’m sorry to bother you, but would you mind writing a letter for me? This weather is so bad that my arthritis is acting up.”

“Sure thing,” replied the other. And as the one dictated, the other dutifully transcribed it into letter form, signing the man’s name, and addressing the envelope as well. When he finished, he said, “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

After a pause, the man said, “Yes, now that you mention it. Could you please add, ‘P.S. Sorry for the sloppy handwriting?’

That's been me lately.

I have a habit of dwelling on the wrong things. 

God has done so much for me, saw me through so much, given me so many more blessings than what I ever imagined or deserved.

And all I can do is dwell on the negative. Like that older gentleman. I sit back and I say, "Well God, it would be nice if you did this. Or fixed this. Or changed this."

All I do is focus on the things I don't have or don't like.

But I have been given eternal life. God says in Romans 8:32, "If I'm willing to give you my best, don't you know I'll take care of the rest?"

Life gets hard sometimes. Sometimes is a terrible understatement.

The illnesses don't seem to get fixed.
The relationships seem to get taught and stretched to a point of snapping.
The bills add up.
The problems don't seem to go away.

But you know what? We can give thanks in all circumstances. 

We have a God who is willing. Whose love endures forever. Whose faithfulness will last from generation to generation.

Because of that, we know we will get through whatever it is comes our way.

God is tireless. God is fearless. God is ours.

Formative Assessment, Part 2

Let's revisit some "posts" of Christmas past (catch the Christmas Carol pun there? haha) and see what exactly I've learned this past year. This is part two.

What have I learned this year? As a teacher, I give many formative assessments. If I were to give one to myself over "Lessons learned this year," here would be my response:

JUNE:

You can always make a negative circumstance into something positive:

When things bring us down, or seem like roadblocks in the way of life, we can do one of two things- we can dwell on the negative, or we can dwell on the positive.

This gal could have said "Oh my gosh, all my hair fell out! I'm not going out today!"

But instead, she took a positive attitude and a positive spin on things.

That's what I'm trying to do here. Depression makes that really hard, but as I'm conquering it, my attitude as of late has been

"I GET to do this today..."

Depression may be debilitating me, but I still GET to do things.

-From Hair

God does amazing things for us.

Isn't that what God does for us?

Without Him, we don't have much. But He steps in and catches the ball- and gives blessings to us.

Far more than we deserve- He blesses us each day. It's up to us to notice.

We are nothing without Him. We are helpless without Him.

But He catches the ball, and every day blesses us. He says, "This is for you."

-From What God Does For us

JULY:

I need a bigger heart.

I need a bigger heart to fully appreciate all that God has done for me. Because too often, I lose sight of the blessings. My heart slams the door shut and says, "Sorry, this heart is full of worry, selfishness and regret, no room to count the blessings."

It's so easy to get that way. Stubborn. When people are cruel, when my body hurts, when I want to wallow in self pity. 

It's so easy to just completely disregard what God has done and think of what great things He will continue to do.

I need a bigger heart.

-From I Need a Bigger Heart

Have you got problems? Let God take care of it.

Sometimes life comes along and kicks us in the teeth.

We're hurt, we're disappointed, we're let down, we're upset, we're angry, we're bitter.

And it makes us panic a little bit, and sometimes even to the point of tears.

But God sticks His hand out and says, "You don't worry about a thing. Let me handle the headache. Let me handle the stress. Let me take care of the chaos."

-From Let Him Take Care of It

AUGUST:

There is always hope. And hope makes a difference.

But I am trying to tell you this- No matter what the situation, if you have hope, it will help you hold on and help you fight. And if you reach the end, you have so much to hope for- eternal life.

Hopeless means no hope.

Hope helps us hang on. 

Hope won't make your life perfect. But it will make life easier. You're not going to be immune to problems, persecution, sadness, sorrow, or the like.

But hope will help you hang on.

-From Hope Helps Us Hang On

You can never say, "Nobody knows how I feel. Nobody understands."

“You are never ever allowed to say again, ‘Nobody understands how I feel.’”

No matter how hard life has come and smacked you upside the head, no matter how much someone has hurt you, no matter how you much you feel that all of your hope has been drained, hear these words:

Jesus understands how you feel.

Let me repeat that.

Jesus understands how you feel.

-From The Trouble I've Seen

Keep trying, even when it's hard.

It's also easy for us to give up, even when it's hard. But when we focus on the blessings, the good things in our life, and the rewards we receive, it's so easy to keep trying, even when it's hard.

-From Even When It's Hard

SEPTEMBER:

The word "nothing" is not negative!

Most people think of "nothing" as a negative term.
"We lost 24 to nothing."
"I got nothing in the mail today."
"I got nothing done today."

But, God says, "Nothing is not negative."

Nothing is positive. Nothing separates us from His love, and we have nothing to be afraid of.

Be like that boy and say, "I'm not afraid of anything, because there isn't anything that can separate me from the love of God."

-From Nothing Is Not Negative

OCTOBER:

Little things make a big difference.

What a difference it made- I came home feeling semi-defeated, and that little thing this guy did- going out of his way to help me- made a big difference.

I was also to help someone, which I was called a "lifesaver" for- I picked something up from the city I'm teaching in and brought it back to campus for a professor. I was happy to go off my route home and do that little favor- but it made her day.

My help last night came back to me today. And you know what I want to do? Pay it forward to someone else.

-From It Came Back To Me

NOVEMBER:

Making every day the "best day ever" isn't easy, but it's worth it.

It's such a true philosophy- if you wake up thinking, "This is gonna be the best day ever!" I guarantee you, it will turn out to be the best day ever! 

Part of the reason I've had the "best day" ever these last few days comes from the amount of good things people have said to me- whether it be via e-mail, recommendation, or in person. Most of these were said in person- and they definitely brightened my days! I'm not posting these to boast or brag, but to reflect on God's awesome work through me to shine to others and how my kindness to them has bounced back to me. 

-From Best Day Ever

DECEMBER:

It's okay to come to God. With anything!

We can't be too dirty.
We can't be too awful.
We can't be too sinful.
We can't be too evil.
We can't be too bothersome.
We can't be too annoying.
We can't be too unlovable.

God is not incompetent or uncaring. He invites us, "Come, and touch me!"

And it is during the times we are worried, overwhelmed, sick, tired, guilty, dirty, bothersome that God wants us to grab onto Him. When those things happen, it is NOT time to lean on our own understandings or abilities- they are times to lean on God. To reach out and touch His cloak.

Don't ever think I'm not good enough. Don't ever think God's not strong enough.

-From Who Touched Me?!

Formative Assessment, Part 1

Let's revisit some "posts" of Christmas past (catch the Christmas Carol pun there? haha) and see what exactly I've learned this past year. This post includes Jan-May; another post will follow with June-December. 


What have I learned this year? As a teacher, I give many formative assessments. If I were to give one to myself over "Lessons learned this year," here would be my response:

JANUARY: 

A lot in my life prior to depression was taken for granted... 

I’ve learned along this journey that you can take nothing for granted. You don’t really realize what you have until it’s gone.

Who would have thought that I would ever be so thankful for the ability to walk, or the ability to talk?

Everything we have is a gift from God. Everything. He puts things, people, circumstances, whatever in our lives to fulfill His purpose.

And He never promised that we would like everything He put in our lives.

But He did promise us that He works for our good and He has a plan for all of us.

-From There's A Reason

It's okay to cry....

Tears are a way of healing.

Tears are a release. Tears are sadness leaving the body, making room for joy.

And yesterday, a chapel message was too perfect for what I was feeling that morning. God finds ways to speak to me, as I've said before.

It's comforting to know that He has a giant tearcatcher, and he catches all of our tears, He knows our sorrows, He knows our pain.

When I wake up in the morning, after I had cried for several hours the night before, the drenched pillow or wetspot on the floor is dry.

My tears disappear. God takes them and says, "I understand. It's okay. I am here to wipe away your tears."

-From Tears

God puts people in our life to "listen" to us, but only He can "fix" our problems...

Reality is, God puts people in our lives to listen, and people to help by listening. So many people have been able to just sit down and listened while I blabbered on like a baby. And they didn't have any words, just being there to listen was enough for me.

-From Sharing and Listening

FEBRUARY:

I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future...

In the mean time, my questions still haunt me. My fear of the future and the uncertainty of what lies ahead makes me tremble.

I need to begin to trust that God knows what He's doing. I need to give all of my fears and uncertainties to Him and accept that His plan is good, whether I see it or like it or not. 

-From Fear

Love is expensive. Sometimes the cost is carrying our own cross, or the cross of another...

Everyone has their own cross(es) to bear. This is one of mine. I am doing the best I can. Nobody's job is to remove the cross or the cup from me, but to love me and help me through it, even though it may be expensive. In Matthew 16, we hear Jesus say, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." (v. 24). No where there does it say bearing the cross would be easy. No where in there does it say it would be comfortable. It's a part of following Christ. It's a part of loving one another. It's our role as disciples of Christ and sharing His love.

-From Love is Expensive

When the world seems to scream, "GIVE UP!" God finds a way to whisper, "Keep going..."

I haven't been perfect throughout this, but I've always done the best I could do. And I have not lost faith in God. Though the world has walked out, and everything I encountered was screaming "GIVE UP!", God remained faithful, and hope gently whispered, "Keep going."

-From Every Day in Every Way

MARCH:

When we think we can "take things from here," we're way wrong...

In some circumstances, I've had the attitude of "Thanks God, but I can take it from here." "I don't need your help, but thanks."

And the truth is, I've only gotten myself more worked up into my milkweed. And if I hadn't turned to God, I would still be bleeding, trying to free myself.

The truth is, I can't do it on my own. I need my Savior, my God to come and free me from the milkweed that I've gotten caught in.

-From I Can Take Things From Here

Always pack a promise on your way out of the door in the mornings...

I  think about circumstances I'm facing and problems I still have despite my recovery.

And I am going to cling to a promise and not the circumstance.

And I am going to pray that anyone else involved can do the same.

You know, this reminds me of a student leaving home for school in the mornings. Before the child leaves the door, the mother must say, "Did you remember to pack your lunch?"

And I think it would be good to leave in the mornings for me to have a sign posted on my door that says, "Did you remember to pack a promise?"
-From Circumstance or Promise?

APRIL:

It's important to keep in mind that God can be revealed through us...
How is God revealed through you?

Depression, anxiety, conversion disorder, OCD, are not stopping me from letting God's works be revealed through me.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.- Romans 8:18

-From How is God Revealed Through You?

Gods ways are better than our own ways...

The truth is, God was always there. But He has His own timing. He is NEVER late. He is never absent. He always has perfect timing.

And often, we don't think His timing is best. We don't trust that He was the one in control. We think our own schedule and our own way of doing things was far better than God's schedule.

But as I mentioned yesterday, we sometimes look back and see the good things that came from our trials and suffering.

And we realize that God was there all along. And his schedule far surpassed any schedule we could have designed or tried to design.

-From Perfect Timing

Bad things happen. It's just a matter of what we do with them....

I guess I have that to look forward to. In the mean time, things really suck. But I'm trying to keep my eyes and my focus on the cross, as I mentioned yesterday.

I have come so far, that I am not going to let things come crashing down now. If I have survived ALL of the pain and turmoil of the last six months, I surely can overcome this. Right?

-From Seeking Peace and Patience

MAY:

Finishing the semester was a huge milestone for me...

To anyone who has ever doubted my ability or thought I wouldn't make it, here I am to prove you wrong. And to anyone who has gotten in my way, you have not knocked me down. As I recently saw in someone else's blog: "Hurt people hurt people." And hear this, as Patricia Polacco told me in a letter, “For the life of me, I’ll never understand people that, apparently, derive some sort of pleasure from ‘putting other people down, ignoring people, or being cruel.' I believe it is THEY that are unfortunate and cannot reach any stature unless stepping on another’s throat in order to gain status.”

-From I'm A Fighter

It feels good to let love out...

I read tonight in my Morrie book, "The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in." - Morrie.

Yes. Giving out love feels great.

Lord, help me to give out as much love as I can....

I know I give out love in the songs I sing that bring a smile to people's face. I know I give out love in the very jovial laugh I've been blessed with. I know I give out love through the gift of music God's blessed me with. I know I give out love when I tell someone I'm praying for them

-From Love in and Out

Sometimes strong is the only thing you can be...

I never knew how strong I would have to be, or would end up being.

I still don't consider myself to be "one of the strongest people I know," but I feel I have to give myself some credit, I stayed strong through a lot.

-From You Can Only Be Strong

Who Touched Me?!

Have you ever read Mark 5?

Go, read it now.  Or read The Message translation if you'd like. (especially verses 21 and on). I'll be here when you get back.

I don't know how I ended up reading Mark 5, but verses 21 and on really made me think today.

Jesus is on a mission- He is headed to heal Jairus' daughter, and on his way there He must pass through a crowd.

A woman, who had been bleeding for twelve years was in the crowd. Can you imagine bleeding badly for so long? Not only did she have that problem, but doctors had treated her badly, and she had been robbed by them!

And with such a problem, no one wanted to touch her. I'm sure she lost her friends, family, and all those close to her. She had not been touched in that long.

Twelve years, she hadn't received an "I love you," a hug, an embrace, an arm around the shoulder.

And here she was, longing for healing. Longing for touch. Longing for belonging. Longing to be normal and accepted again. And she knows Jesus can give her this.

So she reaches out and she touches His cloak. And the Bible says she is healed- immediately. Twelve years of bleeding, and she receives instant relief.

But this is where it kind of gets amusing. Jesus turns around and says, "Who touched me?!" It's funny, because Jesus for one, already knows who touched Him! And for two Peter says, "Hello! Jesus! We're in a crowd! Of course someone touched you!"

And this woman steps forward and admits what she had done.

Here's where the amazing thing happens.

Jesus could have scolded her. He could have said "How DARE you touch me! How DARE you bother me! I'm busy and on my way to do some work! Who do you think you are?!"

But instead, he calls her DAUGHTER, and says "Your faith has made you well."

Jesus the very Son of God doesn't turn this woman away- he accepts her where she is. She reaches out to touch Him and He gladly welcomes her.

He does the same when we approach Him.

We can't be too dirty.
We can't be too awful.
We can't be too sinful.
We can't be too evil.
We can't be too bothersome.
We can't be too annoying.
We can't be too unlovable.

God is not incompetent or uncaring. He invites us, "Come, and touch me!"

And it is during the times we are worried, overwhelmed, sick, tired, guilty, dirty, bothersome that God wants us to grab onto Him. When those things happen, it is NOT time to lean on our own understandings or abilities- they are times to lean on God. To reach out and touch His cloak.

Don't ever think I'm not good enough. Don't ever think God's not strong enough.

When you go to God and reach out and touch Him, He turns around and says, "Who touched me?!" but when He sees your face, He smiles. He opens His arms and says, "Come in!" Let Him give you instant relief.

I'm Not My Own Friend

I found this image today:

As I've been discussing with a friend via e-mail, I think I can be my own worst enemy. 

Because I listen to myself more than I listen to anyone else. 

I always let my own mind and my own thoughts win.

I don't consider reality- I consider what my mind automatically shifts into thinking is the "worst case scenario."

Let me tell you what I mean. 

When I don't hear back from a friend whom I just texted, I automatically think that person must be mad at me, and then the thoughts go on a downward spiral.

When I fail at something- for instance, if I can't do just the right amount of number of exercises on my workout program, I automatically call myself a failure and tell myself I'll never get it right.

All in all, I beat myself up a lot and put myself through a lot of unnecessary worry, defeat, and hardship.

I'm working on it, but I'm not perfect yet. But I've found something that often defeats those thoughts.

God's Word and God's thoughts.

People have shown me I don’t matter, or convinced me I could never matter. So do my own thoughts. 

But I've realized, God doesn’t love you because you are lovely or lovable- God loves you because He is love. He can look at us and say, “I have called you by name. I am your Savior.”

When I wonder if anyone cares about me, I know the living Savior does. 

When my days are filled with dread, when my nights are packed with dark terrors, I remember I have a Savior who wishes to help carry my burdens. 

During moments of solitude when past sins point a bony finger of condemnation at me, I remember The Savior is with me and He offers blood-bought forgiveness to my shame, my pain, my guilt, my hurt. 

When situations are strange, when challenges cause confusion, He remains. 

Jesus remains and because He does, I can remember God's gracious guarantee, "Fear not. I have good news. Unto you has been born a Savior, Christ the Lord. Fear not, Jesus is Emmanuel, God with us. And because God remains with us, loneliness is forever banished.

Keep Up The Good Work

Hi,


It's been awhile since we've been in touch. You have a lot of free time now that you're on break, so I thought it would be a nice opportunity to catch up. You remember the last time I heard from you? In case you don't, check it out here. 


When you were at your grandmother's house the other day, you read a lot of her Christmas letters. Many of her friends sent out a "year in review" of 2011. 


What does your year look like in review? It's something that's not the easiest thing to digest if you try and swallow all of it at once. I acknowledge that.


Depression.
Depression.
Depression.


You were duped into thinking that Lexapro was the "fix-all" drug and that it had cured everything magically over Christmas break.


I think last Christmas break you were living in a fantasy, thinking about what you had just endured and then how things were going to be different in the new year.


You had the year all mapped out. Relationships would be stronger. People would be more sympathetic. You would be less fragile. You would be more confident. You would be stronger.


But yet, only 9 days into the new year, as you headed off to school, something like this happened:

Okay, so you didn't get hit with a soccer ball. But life- reality- came and smacked you. Something you weren't really prepared for.

Reality was, relationships failed, your medication (the first one you tried), really didn't help anything, people were matter of factly less sympathetic, you were even more fragile, less confident, and in over your head.


Depression.
Depression.
Depression.


It got the best of you. You were a fighter and held on, but eventually it became stronger than you.


And as that soccer ball of reality hit you in the face, you fell face down.


Funny how a lack of chemicals can cause so much heartache, panic, and pain in a person's life.


I never would have guessed it would so severely affect my ability to concentrate. My ability to focus. My ability to be ME. But it did.


But let's move beyond that. Save the other months for another time. Look at where you are and don't make the same mistakes you did.


You're on a steady medication. You have another one you are getting ready to begin.


Don't for a minute think you ever failed. None of what happened was ever YOUR fault. Don't beat yourself up for mistakes you may think you have made.


You were learning. Learning to live. Learning to live WITH depression.


It was hard, but you did it.


Remember- you are still very fragile. But you have shown yourself- and the world- that you can do anything.


You have an unyielding hope and trust in God that many don't. Now go, and use it to build others up.


Don't compare yourself to others because that will never lead you to contentment.


Be who you are. Cherish those who love you. If you continue to beam with optimism, joy, hope, faith, and love, people will be drawn to you. 


I'm sorry this has been so random and scattered. I just wanted to remind you of some things.


Oh, and I also wanted to remind you that you must first love yourself if you expect others to love you. Don't beat yourself up over all that has happened to you this past year. You've done great. You've done the best anyone could ever ask for. Keep your head held high. Use the strength you garnered over the last year to make 2012 your best year yet.


I'm not going to promise that a soccer ball isn't going to come hit you in the face again. I can't predict that. It very well could.

But I know how much more capable you are to keep your head held high and to not get so discouraged. Use what has happened to you as an advantage- not as a crutch. Whether you realize it or not, it has been and will continue to be a blessing in your life. In the weeks, months, and years to come.


You were born to make a difference. You were born as a child of God with a purpose to fulfill.


Continue to live for Him. Continue to do His work and spread His love. Don't give up. 


Oh, and try not to spend so much time on Facebook this year. You do use it to waste a lot of time. Time you could be spending with God.


Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you. You needed a reminder again. Keep going strong.


In the grip of His grace,


Me

Taking Things To Heart

I was privileged to hear the Christmas Gospel across the course of four services which I served as organist for over the last few days.


Two verses struck me each time I heard them:


The first, from Luke 2:10- "Do not be afraid..."

The second, from Luke 2:19- "Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart..."


I felt more and more at peace each time I heard the words of the angels... The echo still resounds in my heart, "Do not be afraid..."

There is something about the words that the angels spoke so many years ago that still comfort our hearts today.

Imagine, for a second, what it must have been like to be shepherds out in the field that night. 

They were probably cold, tired, worn out, confused, weary, uncertain, anxious,.....


And sometimes, that's what life leaves us feeling like too. Sometimes life gets hard. Things, people, circumstances get in our way of a view of a "perfect life".


Broken promises leave us weary. Relationships that don't seem to mend leave us uncertain and anxious. The trials, hardships, and demands of our daily tasks leave us worn out, cold, and tired.


But listen! "Do not be afraid, for I bring good news of a great joy..."


For the hearts of the shepherds, and for our lonely, sad, and uncertain hearts, God sends a message through the Christmas angels: "Do not be afraid! For there is good news of great joy..."


Isn't there something just awe-inspiring about those words? Something that just blankets our hearts with a security of hope. A hope that will not let us down.


The angels bring this good news because of what had just happened... a Savior had been born.


A Savior had been born to Mary. God made an ordinary night in Bethlehem to be absolutely extraordinary.  And Mary took that Christmas to heart.


Hearing the words of the angels over and over again made me take Christmas to heart.


I'm not saying I never have before. I'm saying this year, I really took Christmas to heart. After hearing the words about pondering, I put this as my Facebook status Christmas morning:
Ponder the cradle and the cross and Christ's empty tomb. Ponder them and know, no matter what your worry, your concern, your sin, God loves you enough to have sent His Son to save you, to be with you, to bless you, to restore you. Ponder and treasure these things. Ponder and treasure the truth wherein a cradle, a cross, and an empty tomb can make things, can make you better. Ponder: Jesus Christ is God's Christmas Present to you. 


Take Christmas to heart. The Christmas "date" has passed, but if your heart is open, Christ still lives inside.


I was really having a rough night last night, a depressive episode if you will. It had been a good day, but I just had a lapse and and episode right about the time I went to bed.

It was severe enough that I took some anxiety medications, and then I laid down on my pillow. I asked to hear those Christmas words and promises again. I visioned the manger scene.

I visioned myself standing at the manger scene. There sat Mary, with a tiny sleeping baby in her arms. I saw Joseph wave me over. I saw the shepherds staring in awe, and the animals all making their noises and being sound asleep.

I visioned myself approaching the manger, and Mary outstretched her arms. She let me hold the baby. I could hear her saying, "This is God's gift to you." I held the baby Jesus, I rocked Him back and forth.

The peace I felt imagining that event is indescribable. All my worries, fears, regrets, anxiety, shame were put to rest and hushed.

While it was simply an "image" in my mind, that is what happened. As I prayed, God sent the peace of His Son to surround my heart. As I took God's Word -and Christmas- to heart, I found what I needed.

My friends, you can say the same. What are you hoping for?

Let me tell you- there is one hope, a certain hope, a subjective reality: God sent His Son to be a gift for you. The God of hope can fill you with joy and peace. He is the one who gives hope. 

When we are filled with this hope, we become a joy to others- not a burden! We long to live at peace with one another! Hope overflows. Look in the manger- hope is ours.

Hung For You

Here's a story I heard this weekend...


After a heated fight between a father and a son erupted but again, the son chose to pack some clothes and leave his father and mother. After being gone about a month, the boy missed his parents and his home as his anger ebbed away. Finally he knew he should go home. Waiting for his train, he began to fear that maybe his dad didn't want him home. He ran to a pay phone and called home. His mom answered and was flooded with relief when she heard her son's voice. She quickly begged him to come home. He explained that he had already bought a ticket but was afraid that his father didn't want him home, so he asked his mother: "Mom, can you guarantee dad wants me to come home?" The mom was silent for a moment and when the boy asked why she was so quiet the mom said, "Son, your dad is a changed man since the day you left. He hardly speaks anymore -- even to me, and you know how close we are. He never smiles or laughs. He simply goes to work, comes home, broods over dinner, watches TV then goes to bed. On the weekends he sits by his workbench in the garage all alone.

"But mom," the son said, "Does he want me to home? I'm not coming home if I'm not wanted. Mom, what do you say, my train is here and I need to board?" "I can't give that guarantee son, your father won't talk to me, just please come home," pleaded the mom. "I gotta know, mom. Can you give me the guarantee?" "Son, I just don't know about a guarantee." The boy then got an idea. "Mom, he said, "tell dad I'm on the train and I want to come home. Tell him the train will run on the tracks that go behind the back of your property. If he wants me to come home, tell him to hang a white handkerchief from a branch of that old dead apple tree we were going to chop down that's out by the tracks. If I see a handkerchief, I know I can come home; if there isn't one, I'll know I'm not wanted and I'll keep going on the train. Mom, I gotta go. Tell dad what I said. Bye Mom." The boy hung up and jumped on the train. He entered a train car that was filled with strangers. He sat by a window next to an older, stately-looking man, but he kept to himself staring out the window. Finally the older man nudged the boy and said, "Son, it's obvious you have something on your mind. I'll leave you be if you want, but sometimes it helps to talk over your troubles. I've been told I'm a good listener."

The boy looked at the face of the kind stranger and began to tell his story. The boy told of his fight with his father, how he had left home a month ago, and how now he wanted to go home. He told of calling his mom and how she was to let the father know the boy was on the train and that if he was welcome, to tie a white handkerchief on the branch of that old dead apple tree. After finishing the story the boy could tell everyone in the train was eavesdropping. Then up ahead he saw the last bend before the train would run along the back of his parents' property. He pointed the bend out to the stranger, then buried his face in his hands, and doubled over with crying, too afraid to look what was or was not on the tree. The boy felt the train make the bend. He literally felt everyone straining to look out the windows on his side as he knew they were approaching the apple tree. He was hoping they'd yell, "There it is!" or "Hurray!" or "Look at it!" but instead there was simply an audible gasp. The boy knew it must be bad news so he cried harder. But the stranger said, "Son, it's time to grow up. It's time to face your future. Face your future and look.

The boy sat up and pulled away his hands, and looking out the window as the train passed the apple tree, he saw not one white handkerchief was on the branch of that tree. What he saw was that there were a hundred white handkerchiefs on a hundred branches of that tree! The message was oh so clear. The dad was saying, "Please come home! You are welcome to come home! I need you! I want you! I love you!"


The analogy was made that God does the same thing for us. Only he doesn't hang a white handkerchief on a tree.... He hung His Son on a cross. That's how much He wants you with Him.


Find comfort in that the next few days as the Christmas rush tries to sweep us away. Focus on that baby that would be hung for you on the cross, as a way of God saying, "Please come to me! I love you!"


More of a life update from me to come soon...