Big Problem

I'm really an angry person.


I try and always pretend like things don't bother me. A remark I hear all-too-often is "Dylan, I have never seen you get angry." I thought that was a good thing, for a while. But now I've realized being angry is okay. Even being angry with God.


I am so angry that this happened. That this has changed so many things in my life. I'm angry at God. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at my parents. I'm angry with my friends. I am simply angry.


I'm angry at God because he allowed this to happen. Angry at myself for not noticing it sooner and letting it get the best of me. Angry at my parents for biological reasons. Angry at my friends for not holding true to their words. Angry at any given circumstance. 


I just screamed, startling many neighbors, I'm sure:


IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!


I am so frustrated! So very very frustrated!!!!!!!! This is the most frustrated and confused I have ever felt. And as a gentle professor reminded me today, "It comes with the illness, Dylan."


Well, how convenient. He also said "Dylan, I feel for you. This is one of the most confusing illnesses that are out there and I wish I had a magic wand to make things all better. Just know that it's okay to be frustrated. But don't ask why, ask, "What can I do to cope?""


Sometimes I feel to blame, and I get frustrated with myself. "You're innocent, Dylan." Well, thanks, but in the end, the illness is within me and and it at times has controlled me. 


Which is why this is not fair to me!!! Because something lies in me, the Dylan many people came to know and love is now at fault.


I know I made the elephant analogy before, but, it came up today in group therapy. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, you can go back and read my post titled, 'The Elephant'). The leader explained to me that people still view me as carrying this elephant along with me...


"I don't want to speak to Dylan because he'll have the elephant with him and I can't deal with the elephant."


"I can't sit with Dylan because the elephant will be sitting there too and I can't deal with it."


"I don't know if I want to invite Dylan because the elephant will come along."


And I try to tell people, "Look! See! The elephant is not anywhere near me"... But, they think...


"I still don't want to speak to Dylan because the elephant could show up unannounced." 


"I still don't want Dylan to come along because the elephant may come find him eventually."


I wish people didn't think that way!!! Because I am my own person!!! I am NOT the elephant, and I am trying my best to fight him off!!! I wish people could trust me in that. 


And I am so frustrated because I did not ASK for this elephant to come. I did not INVITE him. I want him gone as much as the next guy.


But unfortunately, for some, the elephant has become Dylan. And that's not  okay...


Because, way, deep, down, Dylan is still there, hiding behind that monstrous elephant.


And he's scared. He's afraid. He's weak. He's hurt. 


He's trembling because everyone hates the elephant and since the elephant overpowers Dylan, Dylan suffers their hate. 


And all he wants is to be loved. To get another chance. To not be associated with this elephant. 


And there Dylan sits, crying and frustrated. Crying because he is suffering the problems this elephant brought. Crying because he is hurt that he is being judged/excluded/slandered because of the elephant. And it's not fair. 


And what makes Dylan cry the hardest is the fact there is nothing he can do about it. The elephant has done so much irreversible, inexplicable damage. Dylan can do all the explaining he wants, but, it doesn't change what this elephant has done.


God help me remove this elephant from my life. God help others look past the elephant and see the real Dylan. The Dylan who deserves another chance. The Dylan everyone came to love. Don't let them forget about him. The Dylan you love who you sent your Son to die for.