Hope

I was blessed today with a visit with Professor Reek. We talked about so many things that I will value, and we talked a lot about hope.


And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.- Romans 5:2-5


Hope is an interesting thing. Professor Reek phrased things in a way that if things like this in life, we wouldn't have anything to hope for. If I knew what tomorrow would hold and I could foresee the future, hope would not exist.


And if we had nothing to hope for, what reason would there be to live?


Professor Reek also gently reminded me that things like this take about 6-9 months to fully get over and recover from. I'm not behind or different or hopeless because I haven't quite come around. It's just something that takes time and that I have to be patient with.


He described it as a demon that's on my back and that is clawing in and bothering the heck out of me. And it won't go away. And I have no reason to feel like I should be happy or anything. Because it's tough to live like that, and if anyone expects me to walk around happy or joyful, they need to think again, and start considering their own fears and expectations.


I also explained to him how people have become frustrated trying to understand or comprehend what I'm going through and my feelings. How no one understands why I would cry every night. No one understands why this is physically exhausting.


Simply put, no one needs to understand and no one should try and understand. Accept that it's what I'm going through, take my word for it, and be thankful it's not you. 


After conversing with Prof. Reek, I saw this come up on my Twitter and thought it was really fitting.  "Hope is like a bird that senses the dawn and carefully tries to sing while it's still dark."- It's still dark, and while my singing isn't quite loud yet, it's getting there. There is always hope. 

Ramblings

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."

Stephan Hoeller

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

Helen Keller

I wish I had some sort of reaffirming vision so that I knew a "pearl" was really being produced by these trying times! Right now all I see being produced is hardship and pain, and people tell me, "Oh, you'll come out of this a stronger person. People who come through depression are the strongest people you'll ever meet.'

Oh, really? Am I supposed to somehow be comforted by that? It is so hard to vision the future as being a strong, bold, individual when something like this has happened. And to not have any sort of time frame "You'll get better in a few weeks" ... Who knows how long this could take?

It's hard to envision any sort of bright, happy, delightful future in this state. I would love as much as the next guy a future promised with all the little frillies of life and sunshine and rainbows and smiley faces galore. I can't picture ever not feeling like this or what a bright future might look like. Things are so bleak.

In a recent writing assignment for one of my classes, we are considering what "colors" are days embody. Some people chose yellow or red or whatever color for whatever reason. For me, it was easy, and I don't have to change colors. I'm a solid, murky, hazy black. Other than that little candlelight of hope glimmering in the distance, my life is black right now.

And don't try and tell me "It's only black because you're looking at it that way and aren't looking at things positive"- I don't want to hear that from one more person. And I'm serious. I will explode if I hear that one more time. You do not understand how this convolutes your thinking and the way you view things. I am trapped in darkness and I am trying my hardest to get out. Unless you have been though this, you don't understand what it's like so please find another way to help beyond "Start looking at things in a more positive way." 

Many who suffer this illness find it hard enough to recover while they take a leave of absence to stay home and rest and relax. It's really hard to get over in that situation. I technically should be on a leave of absence from school so I can spend a few months going through therapy and without stress. 

But, I chose to give the semester a shot. I knew going in that it would mean trying to battle this exhausting illness coupled with the pressures of school, work, friends, etc. I forgot until I actually got about a week and a half into classes how tough it really is. And I don't know if I can do it. If I am strong enough. 

So I face some tough decisions, and I ask for your prayers in the days and weeks ahead. I face possible hospitalization. Taking the remainder of the semester and next semester off to resume again next Spring is a choice. Quitting school and never coming back is an option. Transferring or doing work online is an option to find a less stressful environment. Or I could keep fighting, trying to get better and trying to keep up with the demands from classes and friends and everything else. I don't know what I will do. I am asking for God's guidance and direction as I make a decision.

And I also ask for His patience as I look to see that beautiful pearl that will supposedly be produced on account of my suffering and trials. Where is it? Give me hope! 

You'll Never Walk Alone

I know that although it has felt like I've walked alone and been abandoned at times, and at times "darkness is my only companion" (Psalm 88:18), I have not ever walked alone or been without my Savior at my side. "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5)


When you walk through the storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of the storm
There's a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of the lark

Walk on, through the wind
Walk on, through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone

Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone

Feelings

"Feelings are real, but that does not make them reality."

I don't remember who it was that shared those valuable words of wisdom with me at some point along this journey. It was a few weeks ago, I believe, but just recently the words have been echoing through my head and bouncing around in me.

I've realized that this illness is mostly and primarily a mental illness- and it is my feelings that are wearing and tearing me down.

Feelings are so powerful, if they have the ability to destroy a person the way they have me.

While they are also valuable, in my case, they are detrimental.

My feelings have clouded my view of reality and have brought much pressure, trial, and tribulation in my life.

I need to remember that what is going on in my head is not reality.

Reality is, I have a God who loves me, a Savior who died for me, and a life worth living.

Sharing and Listening

A friend and colleague in the teahcing ministry shared this with me in a recent message:

"Too often in the church as members of Christ's body, we tend to go into the "I'm fine" mode. No one sees or knows our pain and we suffer in silence. I think we tend to be afraid that others will think we're not strong or that our faith isn't strong or something.

The real truth is that God has made us family. Family members share their joys and their pain! We can support one another, care for one another, or just silently listen to one another. Sharing isn't sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength."

That really struck me. That's exactly why I've been posting on this blog. Not only has it helped me cope and make sense of this illness, but, it's also helped others help me, I think.

"Share one another's burdens..." Galatians 6:3

Right now, I realize that there is not a single person on this earth, no friend, family member, professional, or other person who I could sit down with and they could magically fix what's wrong.  I wish it was that way. But it's not. And I must face reality.

Reality is, God puts people in our lives to listen, and people to help by listening. So many people have been able to just sit down and listened while I blabbered on like a baby. And they didn't have any words, just being there to listen was enough for me.

I hope everyone also understands that just because I am sick, I don't not want to help you as well. Please don't be afraid to share something with me, or if you want help or advice about a situation you can come talk to me. ....

I've missed being in the "Giver" role- I've been a receiver the majority of the time and I would love nothing more than to give back and to show love like people have shown love and support to me.

Thanks be to God for the gift of fellowship and blessing us with community and people who are willing to share and listen. What an amazing gift.

Light in Darkness

It’s hard to sense the presence of God in this darkness.

I am facing a major spiritual battle right now, and I have spoken with a few Pastors who have helped.

It’s just so hard to see God in total darkness.

It’s hard to find God when I’m so tired. So very tired.

It’s hard to trust God when all I feel is pain.

It’s hard.

The darkness is the depression. The depression has made me feel as though no one wants to see me or makes efforts to see me. That the only reason I’m seen and noticed is because I am simply there. If I were not to seclude myself for any period of time, no one would notice. No one would care. I’m a nothing. I’m a nobody. I’m deadweight. If I stayed in my room for a period of three days straight, yeah, my professors might notice a student is absent and contact me, and classmates may note the empty chair, but, I don’t know that anyone would do anything about it. I don’t think I would really be missed. After all, how can you miss nothing?

The darkness has made me afraid to trust. It has made me feel as though all my efforts for anything are for nothing. All of my hope is for nothing.

The darkness is evil.

It’s hard.

But, people have reminded me that the darkness has not won, and will not ever win.

“If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will cover me, and the light around me become night,’ even the darkness is not dark to you; and the night is as bright as day, for darkness is as light to you.” – Psalm 139:10-11

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”-  John 1:5

In God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. Even though I am blanketed in black and darkness now, the light is still shining. It’s just hard to see.

It’s a little candle, in the distance, glowing really bright and shining for me to reach it and see.

Please be patient. Please help me. Please lead me to this light.

And I pray that I will be stronger than the darkness and be able to let that little light shine through me to others.

I’d like to close here with some hymns and song verses…As so many have been written about light in the darkness.

A prayer, I Want to Walk as a Child of the Light, Lutheran Service Book No. 411

I want to walk as a child of the light,

I want to follow Jesus.

God set the stars to give light to the world.

The star of my life is Jesus.

In Him there is no darkness at all.

The night and the day are both alike.

The Lamb is the light of the city of God.

Shine in my heart, Lord Jesus.

Another prayer, Abide with Me, Lutheran Service Book No. 878

Abide with me, fast falls the eventide.

The darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide.

When other helpers fail and comforts flee,

Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

A song that has become a great comfort to me during this time, Light Up The Sky by The Afters. A portion:

When stars are hiding in the clouds

I don’t feel them shining

When I can’t see beyond my doubt

The silver lining

When I’ve almost reached the end

Like a flood You’re rushing in

Love is rushing in

Light, light, light up the sky

Light up the sky to show me You are with me

I, I, I can’t deny

Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me

You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me

Light, light, light up the sky

Light up the sky to show me You are with me

So I run straight to Your arms

You’re the bright and morning Sun

To show Your love, there’s nothing You won’t do

Light, light, light up the sky

You light up the sky to show me You are with me

I, I, I can’t deny

Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me

You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me

Light, light, light up the sky

Light up the sky to show me You are with me

And finally, I turn to the childhood song I grew up with. I still pray that my little light is able to shine, even in the midst of this deep, black darkness.

This little light of mine

I'm going to let it shine

Oh, this little light of mine

I'm going to let it shine

This little light of mine

I'm going to let it shine

Let it shine, all the time, let it shine

Don't let Satan [blow] it out!

I'm going to let it shine

Don't let Satan [blow] it out!

I'm going to let it shine

Don't let Satan [blow] it out!

I'm going to let it shine

Let it shine, all the time, let it shine

The Blame Game

"The strong are not always vigorous, the wise not always ready, the brave not always courageous, and the joyous not always happy." -Charles Haddon Spurgeon

I often blame myself, beat myself up, and sit in a lot of shame.

I ruminate and think that I got this "illness" because I am weak... because I did something wrong... because I am insecure... because I feel unhappy.

I sit and scowl at myself, thinking, "Look at you. You're a mess. This is all. your. fault."

And then I sit and think of how I am not currently stronger than the illness. I think about what it's done to me and how it has brought me down to rock bottom.

And then I get to feeling even more depressed. Because I should be strong. I should be positive. I should be happy. At least, that's the jist I'm getting from everyone.

I think everyone would like to knock me upside the head, slap me across the face in complete frustration, and scream, PULL YOURSELF UP BY THE BOOTSTRAPS AND THINK POSITIVE!


I wish people would believe I would if I could, but right now I simply cannot. But no one really realizes how hard it is. And because everyone seems to be conveying that message, I feel guilty/let down/embarrassed that I am not doing what everyone wants to see.

As if I have any control.

I still am tormented by the question, "How's it going?" "How are you?"  I've learned lying about it doesn't help. I've just learned to simply say "Okay." or "Alright"

Inside I'm screaming "You want to know how I'm really feeling? Like complete garbage. I am suffering from an illness that is wearing me down and I should technically be taking the semester off from school, but I don't want to get a year behind so here I am fighting this battle and facing all the pressures of school. I feel worthless, I feel hopeless, I feel pain, I feel completely and totally without joy."

I know everyone means well, but, that question is a nightmare for me.

I don't think most people who inquire would even second guess that this is going on.

And they don't need to know.

I feel better after ranting about that. I put that quote at the beginning of this blog and right now, I know that I am still a child of God. I am still strong. I am still wise. I am still brave. I am still joyous.

I'm just pushing through a thick fog and it's hard to see those characteristics.

I wish I could dive inside myself, search through all the muck and dirt this illness has brought upon me, and pull out all of those qualities again.

I am not quite sure what the purpose of this post was. It feels good to rant about all of the above. I got it out. and I feel a little bit better.  Hey, I may have just cracked a smile. :)

Walking on Broken Glass

I am currently reading a book by Kathryn Green-McCreight and in the book she put a very accurate description on how depression feels. Far better than I've been able to describe it to anyone, and as I read I was almost screaming "Yes! Yes! Exactly how I'm feeling"...

I am not necessarily sad when I am depressed. I am not necessarily "down." Sometimes I just have a gnawing, overwhelming sense of grief, with no identifiable cause. I feel completely alone; darkness is my only companion. I feel as if I am walking barefoot on broken glass. When one steps on broken glass, the weight of one's body grinds the glass in further with every movement. The weight of my very existing grids the shards of grief deeper into my soul. When I am depressed, every thought, every breath, every conscious moment hurts.


She is dead on with that description. Some people don't understand how this can be physically exhausting and taxing, but, please believe me, it is. I cannot explain it. Every thing I do hurts. I have no energy or motivation to do anything except sit and lay in the dark.

Think of putting yourself in a boxing ring and throwing punches for 18 hours straight. How would you feel after the fight? Tired? Worn down? Exhausted? I am fighting a battle and it takes everything in me to do simple tasks like get up and go to class. It is completely and totally tiring and wearing down on me.

I have learned to use sleeping as an escape. It seems that the only way not to hurt is to cease being a center of conciousness. I do not want to burden others or impose misery upon them, so I have sort of quit talking about my feelings if you will.

But, back to the broken glass analogy- everything hurts! If someone does something my mind completely turns it to make it seem like it was the worst thing in the world, and it was my fault. I can't explain it. I am working in therapy on thought-stopping so that I don't think that way anymore, and then lash out at someone else in anger. It hurts the other person probably as much as it hurts me.

Any missed point on an assignment, note played wrong in music, word that I misspoke, etc. stabs me and makes me feel completely and totally awful about everything.

So, I'm working on steadying my step as I walk along the glass. I'm still recovering, so I'm going to get hurt and feel this pain for a while yet. But, as I continue with therapy and we find a good balance of medications, I'll walk off of the majority of the glass.

I'm pretty sure that everything I just processed will not make sense to many readers. That's okay. Please don't try and comprehend. Just understand that what I'm going through is so, so hard.

And I know many of you who keep up with this are probably still praying regularly. I ask for your prayers and encouragement more now than ever as things sort of took a turn for the worse this weekend. I'm not giving up on myself- I promise, but, I ask that you don't give up on me either.

Tears

One day I'm afraid I'll start crying and never be able to stop.

The author of Psalm 6 knows how I feel....

"I am wearied with sighing; Every night I flood my bed with weeping. I drench my couch with my tears." -Psalm 6:7

Bingo! He has my sentiments hit head on.

Everyday during this journey, I have cried at some point. Every. Day. The majority of the time it's when I am finally back in my room for the night and I can sit down and unpack everything that has happened. It's during times like that I can sit for hours and cry.

Sometimes it's in the afternoon when I feel overwhelmed.

Sometimes it's in the morning when I rise and I'm afraid to face another day like this.

Sometimes it's in public and I'm "done" dealing with everything.

Sometimes it's more than once during a day.

I am literally drowning in a sea of tears.

The incessant grief is almost comical, I imagine, to an outsider. "Suck it up. What do you have to be sad about?" I cannot explain it. There is nothing to be sad about.

But because of a biological/chemical imbalance in my brain, I am not functioning correctly and cannot control my emotions.

But, I will not apologize for my tears or feel bad about them.

Tears are a way of healing.

Tears are a release. Tears are sadness leaving the body, making room for joy.

And yesterday, a chapel message was too perfect for what I was feeling that morning. God finds ways to speak to me, as I've said before.

It's comforting to know that He has a giant tearcatcher, and he catches all of our tears, He knows our sorrows, He knows our pain.

When I wake up in the morning, after I had cried for several hours the night before, the drenched pillow or wetspot on the floor is dry.

My tears disappear. God takes them and says, "I understand. It's okay. I am here to wipe away your tears."

How comforting.

I hope that one day soon, that final tear will drop and it will mean that all the sadness and pain from this journey have finally left the body.

Until then, I'll keep letting all of my pain go through my tears. And I know God is there to catch them. I'm not embarrassed. I'm not ashamed. I'm healing. 

Damaged Goods

God truly puts special people in our lives when we need them.

Yesterday, I was blessed by a visit with Prof. Blanco here on campus.

Before I begin, don’t get me wrong, my counselor Dina is wonderful. But, she is not a Pastor. And I need much spiritual guidance right now.

I set up a meeting with Prof. Blanco and I’m still processing and using everything he told me.  

He shared this verse from Isaiah 42:3- “A bruised reed he will not break, 
   and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.”

Right now… I’m a “damaged good”… one of God’s precious creations is not in good shape. At least, my health is not in good shape.

Professor Blanco explained that reeds were used to make things like wicker furniture. If a reed has a slight bruise, when it’s bent to make something, it snaps and breaks.

Most people who worked with reeds would have thrown a piece like that away.

Not God. Right now, I’m a bruised reed. And he’s not going to break me. He has another purpose for the bruised reed.

Have you ever had the candle at Christmas that is on it’s last end of the wick and ready to come apart?

Some people like to trade those in for another candle, some even throw those candles away.

But what the candle really needs is extra support and care. God doesn’t toss or refuse the smoldering wick. Instead, He takes extra care to wrap his hands around the flame to prevent it from going out by a wind or breeze.

He gently holds and slowly moves along with the smoldering wick.

Right now, I’m a smoldering wick. I’m not burning as brightly as God designed. But He’s not casting me aside. He’s gently nurturing me back to being a strong wick.

 This reminds me of a story I heard about a woman in a supermarket. She saw a section in the store marked “Damaged Goods”- she went and found a tattered can, label removed, and scarred and beaten up.

She purchased the can, not knowing what was inside.

She came home and pried open the can with her can opener.

To her surprise, she found delicious peaches inside- tasty, her favorite.

The outside of the can meant nothing about what was hidden deep inside.

Right now, the fog of depression is so thick that you have to look past all of the cloudiness to see the “real” me- but I’m still hanging in there, and even though I’m tattered and worn down by this illness, I’m still full of goodness and God’s grace and mercy.

My damage isn’t defining me. Rather, it is refining me.

This isn’t my story- it’s a part of my story. Nobody goes through life unscarred.

Thank you, God, for speaking through Prof. Blanco to reach me. 

A Weary Servant

In my adolescent lit class, we are currently studying poetry aimed at adolescents.
I was looking over my homework tonight, and I thought, "What if I tried to put my feelings into a poem?"
I did, and the results are below. Please don't be too critical- for I'm not much of a writer.

"A Weary Servant"

The path I’m on is dark and weary,

Big, dark, ugly clouds fill the sky.

A weary servant is walking along,

Helpless, hopeless, and asking, “Why?”

A heart is filled with grief and pain,

I suffer much each day,

I look around, there’s no away out,

It seems things will always be this way.

The voices inside my head scream out,

“You’re worthless, and you’re hopeless,

why get up and live another day?”

I still go on and with a smile, but inside, I’m a mess.

Friends walk out, give up, and 

in frustration turn away,

To encourage seems to be a lost cause,

For he may always be this way.

It is hard to see this servant suffer,

As family and friends all know,

Resources and time seem to have been exhausted,

And there’s no where else to go.

God sees Him getting tired,

This servant He so carefully made,

He hears him when he cries out so loud,

“God, for days to you I’ve prayed,

I’ve prayed for you to take away

This illness that’s consumed me,

I really would like healing now,

I’m suffering!! ...don’t you see?”

God looks down and sees this servant,

So confused, and ready to give up,

He wipes away His many tears, and replies,

“My child, that's enough.

Foe you do not see the plan I have in mind,

In store are many great things for you,

And there’s a reason behind this trials,

For now please trust that one day you’ll see my wondrous works come true.”

That leaves me still unsatisfied,

I wonder, "How can that be true?"

But I hear His promise echoing,

“My grace is sufficient for you.”

So I guess that means I’ll keep fighting,

I’ll muster up the strength that still remains,

I’ll walk steadily through this darkness,

I’ll keep pushing through the pain.

And when I feel like giving up

Because times are so trying and tough,

I hope to hear God’s promise echo,

“You have my grace, and that’s enough.”

(Scripture from 2 Corinthians 12) 

Deadline

I've had a deadline in mind.


The deadline has continuously changed, however.


I've been setting a deadline for when I want to get better. I think "By this time, I will be feeling in tip-top shape."


Unfortunately, I have yet to meet that deadline and I've needed continuous "extensions" if you will on my deadline for getting better.


It's so discouraging to miss a deadline. And I only beat myself up and get disappointed in myself for not being back to "normal." 


At first, I had a few weeks in mind. Then it was about a month. Then it was extended to being back from Thanksgiving break. When that still wasn't met, I extended it even further, to Christmas. When I still wasn't feeling peppy, I said I"d be back to normal by the start of 2nd semester.


And I got back to school and realized I'd missed another deadline.


Today, my counselor explained that there is no deadline or rush to get better. This is a very long, slow, learning process and it takes time to completely recuperate and get into a new lifestyle. 


I felt overly discouraged today that I haven't made any progress, but my counselor gently reminded me that I indeed have. I've come so far, but, still have a long ways to go. 


And she also said that I won't ever be back to "normal"- and that's a good thing.


Because the "normal" life I had before I became seriously ill is not one I want to resume living. I am in the process of beginning a new life.


So, there's no rush, no need to get back to "normal"- rather, I'm well on my way to the start of a new life. I am not sure what it looks like yet. I'm just emerging from a dark corner, peering out at what lies ahead.


I'm a bit afraid. Because at times it feels like I don't have the strength, determination, or hope to move on with a new life.


But I'm ready. I want more than anything for all of this ugliness and dreariness that has been taunting my heart and mind for so long to be gone. 


And as far as a deadline for "getting better"? I turn to Isaiah 55:9, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”


God only knows what's going to happen and when. So I leave it under His control. Though, I need reminded of that time to time. 

The Right Time

It amazes me how God intervenes at "just the right time."

Last night, I got this e-mail forward in the wee hours of the morning when I was up, sobbing, feeling helpless and hopeless and totally unsure of what to do. The content of the e-mail is posted below.

Not getting any sleep and still uncertain about what today was going to bring, I went to church feeling "off" and not right.

The pastor echoed the words of Psalm 118:24 and 1 Peter 5:7... Words that I have clung to for hope and security in the past. Just as those words seemed to have faded, they were resounded again as the Pastor proclaimed them in his sermon. They were just enough to get me on for another day, and I know I can turn to His Word and promises for total fulfillment.

And, now, here's the contents of the e-mail...

1] Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble; it is a "steering wheel" that directs us in the right path throughout life.

2] Do you know why a car's WINDSHIELD is so large & the rear view mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, look ahead and move on. 

3] Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes a few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write. 

4] All things in life are temporary.  If going well enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong don’t worry, they can't last long either. 

5] Old friends are like Gold! New friends are Diamonds! If you get a Diamond, don't forget the Gold! Because to hold a Diamond, you always need a base of Gold! 

6]  Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles and says, "Relax, it's just a bend, not the end! 

7] When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities. 

8] A blind person asked: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?"
Answer: "Yes, losing your vision." 

9] When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them; and sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.

10] WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES; it takes away today’s PEACE.

Amen!

Untitled

I have almost reached my limit.

If anyone has any suggestions for me, please help.

I don't know what else to do anymore. I am so tired of feeling like this.

Help

As time goes on, more and more friends are becoming frustrated and feeling helpless about what to do with me. The question is also continuously posed, "What can I do to help?" For your resource, not my own, I've compiled a list between about.com and wikihow.com on "how to help someone with depression." (The words below are not my own; they were copy-pasted.)

1. Educate yourself. There are countless sites on the internet where you can learn about depression.

2. Put yourself in their shoes. Learn what depression feels like, and what they must really deal with.

3. Take care of yourself. Feelings of depression are contagious. Periodically take some time to step back from the situation and recharge your batteries.

4. It's okay to feel upset, angry, frustrated. These feelings are a valid response to a very trying situation. The important thing is vent your frustrations rather than allowing them to build up inside.

5. Be there for them. Give them a shoulder to cry on or just listen while they spill out their hearts to you. Be patient with them. Let them know that you care. Share the things you've learned while researching depression. Let them know it's not their fault, that they're not weak or worthless.

6. Remember that the depressed person's behavior isn't indicative of the "real" person. The depressed person has impaired social skills. They may be withdrawn and shy or sullen and angry. When the depressed person lashes out in anger, it's because they're actually angry with themselves and the way they feel. You just happen to be there. 

7. Depressed people aren't lazy. They're ill. Everyday activities like cleaning house, paying bills, or feeding the dog may seem overwhelming to them. You may have to take up the slack for them for awhile. Just like if they had the flu, they simply don't feel up to it.

8. Medications and therapy are crucial to their recovery. Help keep them on track with treatment. Help to ease their fears about treatment by letting them know that they're not crazy.

9. Offer hope in whatever form they will accept it. This could be their faith in God, their love of their children, or anything else that makes them want to go on living. Find what works best for them and remind them of it whenever they're not sure they can hang on any longer. If they're suicidal, you may need to seek immediate help. There are some very valuable suicide resourceson the Internet that will help you to help your loved cope with suicidal feelings as well.

10. Love them unconditionally and let them know it's their illness you're frustrated with, not them.

Provide emotional support. What a person suffering from depression needs most is compassion and understanding. Telling someone to "snap out of it" or "lighten up" are awful things to say. The best things to say are, "How can I help you?" or "I will always be here for you. I won't leave you to face this on your own." Usually, depressed people lie about their depression, so if someone says, "Are you okay?" they will say "Yes," but you have to make sure they can tell you how they really feel.

Don’t try to talk the depressed person out of his or her feelings. The depressed person’s feelings may be irrational, but telling them they are wrong or arguing with them is not the way to go. Instead, you might try saying, "I’m sorry that you’re feeling bad. What can I do to help?"

Stay in contact. Call them on the phone, write an encouraging card or letter, or visit them in their home. They will know that you care if you do things like this. It tells the person that you are willing to stick by them no matter what.


No one wants to make your life miserable by being depressed. Try not to view someone else's depression as your own affliction. Rather, be grateful that you don't have clinical depression and try to realize what the other person is going through. Don't take the things your friend, spouse or relative says/does, personally. They aren't meant that way.


Recovery from depression is not just a matter of taking anti-depressant medication and going to therapy. Both the depression and recovery from it can totally change a person's life. Treatment involves a lot of fundamental changes in a person. At times, you'll wonder if it's the same person you've known for so long. Believe me, it is--the depression probably hid the "real person" from your view, up to the point that he or she was diagnosed and began treatment.


Little things go a long way for someone with clinical depression. Small gifts and favors seem much bigger to them than to you. Don't be afraid to (for example) leave the person a short note with a smiley face on it. Even if it seems silly or hokey, small considerations will help.


A depressed person often rushes to person after person for help. This depressed individual tends to focus only on the terrible suffering that is being experienced. People soon grow weary of this type of conversation. Soon rejection after rejection occurs. The depressed person desperately needs someone to care, someone to hold onto. Most people cannot fulfill this role. If you are a casual friend to whom a depressed person is clinging, be merciful. Listen gently. Give a little of your time. Perhaps not much will be asked of you. You may not be phoned. You may not need to visit. But be gentle and understanding for the short time that is asked of you. Nothing hurts a depressed person so deeply as the sight of people avoiding encounters and fleeing away.


If you are a close friend, let the depressed person cling for a time. It will not last. Above all be there when others reject the depressed person, as they will. Such rejections may bring many tears. They certainly add to the depression. Be one who accepts. Depressed people need to have their worth confirmed.


A depressed person is often overwhelmed by irrational fears. Doing activities alone seems impossible. Staying alone, even more so. The person is fully aware that such fears are totally irrational. Adults feels shame and horror at their inability to do things that children easily do. Embarrassment at being afraid joined with true inability to be free from fear brings intense suffering. Be gently understanding of someone in this state. Do not comment upon it. The person knows how irrational the behavior is. Just understand that the fear is real and be merciful.


Share in activities with the depressed person. Often this individual finds it terrifying to be at home alone. Be ready to do what seems to soothe anxiety and bring some peace. Invite the depressed person also to share in your own activities in order that your patterns of activity are preserved.


Above all, patience, patience, patience. Depression is a disease. It is marked by a chemical imbalance in the brain. No one ever wants to be depressed. No one can simply throw off a moderate or severe depression. It would be nice if someone could. “Being there” is the most important thing, being there patiently with gentle understanding. Depression brings an agony within in which death seems to be a blessed relief from anxiety, fear, and loneliness. It takes a great friend to stay with someone in this state, to stay without lecturing, without condemnation, without exasperation, without fleeing.

The Elephant

"What would you compare your feeling of pain to?"

As more and more people find out about my battle, I find that to be a common question.

I don't really have an answer or what to compare the feeling to, or make anyone come to any sort of terms as to what I'm going through.

I've had my share of physical pain. Falling backwards off of bleachers, landing 6 feet below and slamming my head on cement; being whacked with a golf club, severing off my eyebrow and having thirteen stitches put in its place; falling backwards into a bed of cacti and spending 6 hours in the emergency room having them removed from my backside; cracking my head open from running into a doorframe...

All of those hurt, a lot! They were so painful.

But, none of them quite to compare to this illness. I would take any of those over again a hundred times over feeling like I do now.

It's the worst feeling I've ever had. No physical pain, but, sometimes I almost wish it were because I think it would hurt me less.

I am still breathing, and my heart is still beating, but I'm suffering. Encompassed by total darkness.

Here are some things I would compare the feeling to... though, nothing really compares to it...
-Being smothered and not being able to find your way out
-The sky is falling and you're under the rubble and pressure trying to push your way out
-Imagine a fragile piece of glass, like a window, on your inside. Imagine a rock being thrown at it and it shatters, and there are a million shards stuck on your insides.
-The lump you feel developing in the back of your throat and you know you're going to cry- that's constant for me.
-Winning a race, being surrounded by millions of fans who have been cheering you on, only to have someone come up and tell you that you were disqualified
-Finding out you're responsible for tragedy
-Having someone who you care deeply about come up and kick you in the stomach and tell you they never want to see you again, and you're just left to wonder why.
-Being in the front in an auditorium, and hundreds of people you know are watching you, and you fail miserably at some task you are about to perform, and you know you have let everyone down.

I could go on, but, imagine all of those feelings wrapped up in one and that somewhat gives an idea of what I am experiencing.

And that's why it's so hard to "just get over" because it won't go away.

It's there, looming like a 1,000 pound elephant, everywhere I go. It's like that elephant is stuck with me and will not leave, no matter what I do. It's so large, heavy, and incontrollable, that I can't do anything with it. I can push it, kick it, scream at it, or perform other acts of violence.

And there it sits. I'm in my room alone, and it's right next to me at my computer desk.

I'm in the cafeteria and it follows me in and wants to eat with me.

I go to class and it stands right up at the front of the room with the professor.

I hang out with a friend and it wants to hang out too.

I cannot escape from it. It is always in view. Always there. It won't go away.

So, I must learn to live with that elephant. It won't go away.  I have to adapt my life to having this elephant following me.

And it takes time. It takes patience. It takes understanding.

But, the elephant becomes a few pounds lighter and less noticeable every time I get an encouraging note in the mail (Thanks everyone!!!), every time a friend offers a hug. Everytime someone says, "Hey, I've been praying for you." everytime someone sits down with me and just talks about life.

Thank you for your help in managing this "elephant"- I know he won't go away, but, with your help, and strength through Christ Jesus (Phillipians 4), I can make him less noticeable.

There's A Reason

I talked a bit yesterday about taking talking for granted…

I have come to realize, that people take so much for granted.

I came to this realization partially because of Facebook.

Scrolling through my NewsFeed I saw that the majority of the statuses were complaints.

Complaints about the weather. Complaints about classes. Complaints about environments. Complaints about TV. Complaints about the internet.

And what was a little more surprising to me, was how many people “liked” the complaints.  When someone complains, what posses someone to “like” the status? Do they “like” that the person is complaining? Or are they “liking” the complaint to agree? I don’t get it.

And I don’t get why people “complain” on their statuses in the first place. What good does that do? It sticks on your profile and reminds you of whatever upset you in the first place.

And it’s not just on Facebook. People like to complain in general. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pointing fingers, and I’m certainly not saying that I am above complaining or have never done it. Because I am as guilty as the next guy.

I’ve learned along this journey that you can take nothing for granted. You don’t really realize what you have until it’s gone.

Who would have thought that I would ever be so thankful for the ability to walk, or the ability to talk?

Everything we have is a gift from God. Everything. He puts things, people, circumstances, whatever in our lives to fulfill His purpose.

And He never promised that we would like everything He put in our lives.

But He did promise us that He works for our good and He has a plan for all of us.

If something as petty as the weather is all you have to complain about, I’d say you have life pretty good. Be thankful that the weather isn’t more severe or that you have coats and scarves and gloves to bundle up with.

Find the good in every day. In every circumstance. God doesn’t know how to give bad things. Only good things come from His hands.

There is a reason why God put you where you are in the circumstances you are in.

Are you fulfilling your purpose, or are you complaining about it?

I did some serious meditation on Phillippians 4… Good stuff, take a look at it if you have a chance. Verse four was especially meaningful to me: Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say: Rejoice!

I’m viewing every obstacle, challenge, hardship, pain, problem, hurdle, bump in the road, etc. in my life as a gift from God, my Healer and my Comforter. 

Let's Talk!

It's easy to completely disregard some of the simple gifts God has given us.

One that comes to mind for me is talking.

I have spent a good chunk of the last forty eight hours simply talking to people. And other than one or two instances, it has not really been about my illness.

I've been very blessed to be able to sit down with people individually or in small groups and have so many meaningful conversations just about every day life and not about my illness.

And I have to say, it has helped me "get better" tremendously.

And I guess up until this point, I've completely disregarded talking to be a "gift" from God- He provides us, for one, with other people, who we can associate with, and he also provides us with the ability to talk and communicate with them.

And I am very, very grateful for that gift. Because simply sitting and having a chat with someone about their life and mine outside of the illness has proved to be major therapy for me.

I think that before I began feeling better, I was underestimating how much sitting and having a conversation with someone and being able to forget about things and just talk could really help me.

Have I been able to have a meaningful conversation with you recently? No? Let's talk! Please, I would love nothing more than to sit down and have a meal one on one or get together for a cup of coffee.

Talking, if anything has become a "hobby" of mine. I strive for social interaction. However, because of my anxiety, I still find myself rather uncomfortable in large group settings. I feel I get lost in a crowd or a group. That's one problem I'm still overcoming. Bear with me as I work to overcome that.

I want to close with this verse from Scripture: "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another." Hebrews 10:24-25.

Message me! Text me! Give me a call! Let's talk!

Questions Answered

Here are two videos that kind of explain the illnesses I have, if you're interested in knowing more and have a few moments to view them. They are about five minutes each, and perhaps can explain better what's going on with me, better than I could. They are very accurate in conjunction with what I am facing:

About Depression:

About Generalized Anxiety Disorder:

The Mask

I finally took my mask off.

When I fell ill and could no longer walk or hardly function at all, I finally took my mask off. I admitted I had a problem, and could no longer deal with it on my own.

At the top of this blog, it says "Ive struggled with... for several years without knowing it"

What did life in those "several years" look like?

It often involved me wearing a mask and hiding my emotions and feelings.

I was, entirely and completely miserable. How long have you known me? Would you have guessed, say, two or three years ago?

As I've said before, I knew something was wrong, but only within the last 6 months did I realize I had depression.

I just thought, I guess, over time, that the way I was feeling was normal. I know that may not make a whole lot of sense, but, I was chronically unhappy and hopeless. I thought it was something that was my own fault, something I needed to just "get over", and something that everyone was probably feeling.

I guess in high school and early in my college career it may have been more obvious. But only over the last year and a half or so I started really "masking" my emotions.

You may be saying, "But, Dylan, I saw you last Spring and you seemed very happy, like a genuinely joyful person."

Then, I guess I make for a pretty good actor. Because I honestly do not remember the last time I was truly happy and truly content. All the times I seemed happy, okay, or fun to be around, I was really not. I was just putting on a mask of happiness that would be enough to get through the day. Enough to satisfy my professors and peers.

When I could finally go back to my room at night and be alone, the mask came off.

And I would spend many evenings just laying in bed sobbing. When I had a roommate, I would either wait until he was sound asleep to begin severely crying, or just lay in bed while the tears streamed down my face.

And I remember I would lay there confused-  "What do you have to be unhappy about?" "Get over it!" "Why are you feeling this way? What is really wrong?"

And I had no answers for the questions.

I felt so hopeless, so alone during those times.

I read a quote today that said  this:  "Depression must surely be a first cousin to hell on earth, for in the midst of suffering the soul often feels hopeless and separated from God."- Dr. Beverly Yahnke

She is exactly right. The way I have been feeling is comparable to hell on earth. Sheer misery, despair, and upmost hopelessness.

And now, I feel happy again. And I don't have to wear a mask to show it. Because I'm slowly gaining control of my emotions, grasping on to the positive and rejoicing in God's grace every day.

I will never wear that mask again.

Environments

The memory is a powerful tool.

It can either be good, helping us to remember important information and such.

Or it can be bad, causing us to remember painful things that have happened in the past.

I was reading something within the last few weeks, and environments are one of the most powerful things for helping people remember things. A study was done with a list of words and facts and people underwater and above water. The people were given the list of words below water, and then they were asked to recall the words above water. Then they tried and see if they could recall the words below water again. Fascinatingly, most people could remember the words below the water but not above the water. They tried the study vise versa and found the results to be the same- when your memory is in an environment, it is able to recall certain things that you learned in that environment.

And I've found that has stood to be true with me, too.

Last night I came back to campus, and I was very much eager to be back. I was under the impression that I was better and many of some of the bad events I experienced in my room and other places on campus were behind me in the past.

But once I arrived and got settled in, I began being hit with memories. And it hurt. Because they were things I wanted to forget about and give up. But, there they were, taunting me and tormenting me.

And I'm still here and so many things can trigger a bad memory to come back. Don't get me wrong- I am thrilled to be back, and still glad I'm here, but, it's hard right now.

I wish I could figure out a way to remove the association of the bad things with places and things that I love.

I've been strong enough to work past all of it. And for that I am proud. But the question still lingers- "For how long can you stay strong? How long before something really causes you to snap?"

I guess I will find out. I hope that question remains unanswered and that I remain a strong, courageous individual.

You know, I am not going to say "I hope that question remains unanswered"- scratch that. I KNOW that question will remain unanswered.

Because I am so much stronger than this illness and I'm not going to let things get to me. I'm going to enjoy life and move on and keep those in the past.

As for the memories- well, when they pop up, I think I'll smile. I'll smile because I'll look back and see how unstable and sick I really was, and see how strong and healthy I am now and know that I've been able to move past it.