Sleep and Escape

I

Can't

CONCENTRATE.

Nothing I can do can make any of my thoughts or feelings subside.

We've tried to develop a list in therapy of things I can do when I am feeling super depressed and anxious and alone.

There's always the option of turning on some good Christian music, but, sometimes the voices in my head are louder than the message the music is conveying.

I've tried reading, getting lost in a book, but, before long my mind is wandering and feeling bad about myself and I cannot comprehend the words on the page.

Music, especially playing organ, is something I enjoy so I've tried diving into a piece of music and getting lost in it. Before long I'm ruminating on something I've done wrong or something else that I need to worry about.

Talking with people is a great escape and almost always helps, but, people aren't always available when I need them.

Homework has become so burdensome because I cannot concentrate enough to spill my words out onto a piece of paper.

I have found only one real escape that has allowed me to get away from everything, and that is sleeping.

Sleeping is the only way I can lose total conciousness and not have these feelings or thoughts. I can become totally free and away from the pain for at least a little while.

I have to admit, I have been sleeping too much, since I have found it to be such a good escape. The minute I am out of class, and know I don't have any urgent appointments or meetings, I schedule a nap for myself- not because I am tired or exhausted, but, because it means not feeling like complete crap for at least an hour or two.

I do need more rest because my condition is so physically exhausting, but the ammount I'm getting is beyond sufficient.

Yes, I could call someone to spend time with and talk in order to get away or not think about the situation, but I'm afraid everyone has grown weary of me.

I'm afraid to ask for help. I know I abused my privilege to ask for help and exhausted all of my rights, and people are tired of helping me. I don't blame them, I would get sick of helping a person like this too, or listening to all of those burdens.

I have the phone in my hand, ready to push dial for a friend, but then I put it back down and shake my head "No, no, they don't want to spend time with you. They have their own problems. You would ruin their day. They don't want to see you."

So instead I press the button for my alarm and get lost in a deep sleep.

Every time I wake up, I rub my eyes, pull myself up, and hope that just for a minute the pain will be gone and the darkness will have subsided.

But, each time I wake up, it's still dark and the pain and gloom still haunt me.

Why don't you just go away? I mutter, as if it could answer me back. That demon. That ugly beast that has caused so much misery and pain. You've kicked the crap out of me, what more do you want? Still, no answer.

Frustrated, I wake up, proceed with the day, and count down the hours until I can sleep and escape once again.