I've become close with one of the workers in the cafeteria here where I go to school. She always can tell when I am having a not-so-good day. She saw me tonight and asked what was wrong and we had a rather deep conversation right in the middle of the food court. She shared some personal things with me about her life and offered this suggestion:
"When it comes to mental illness, people are afraid of it. They are afraid they won't know how to deal with it, they won't be strong enough to deal with it. You are a good role model. People are afraid if they woke up with similar circumstances as you, they would be afraid they wouldn't be as strong as you are."
And it made me think, you know, maybe people are afraid of me, and that's why they are withdrawn.
But, that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is to talk about my own personal fear. Because, honestly, I don't think I've handled my fear with this illness very well.
When I first lost my ability to walk, I was scared stiff. When the words "partial paralysis" were delivered to me by my doctor, I didn't know what to think.
When days went by and I was showing no improvement or getting back any strength in my legs, I was terrified. I was terrified that I was never going to get any better.
And I was terrified during my "wait" to see the psychiatrist. Not knowing what I was going to be officially diagnosed with.
And I am still trembling with fear. I'm personally afraid that even though I'm showing improvement, I'm not ever going to be completely healed. I'm afraid I'm going to keep wrecking relationships. I'm afraid I won't be able to hold a job. I'm afraid no one will ever be able to love someone who is mentally ill.
I am frightened of what is coming next. Because I don't know.
I used to go to bed at night, frightened. And wake up even more afraid of what challenges the day was going to entail, and I was so nervous that I was not going to have the strength to face them.
Let's face it. I'm not a very good role model. I'm a coward. I'm a wuss. I admit it.
Let's face it. I haven't handled this as well as I should have. While I say "I've done the best I can", would I be where I am today and face some of the problems I am still sorting out if I did not handle this very well?
I am reminded of the story in Matthew 14, where Jesus goes off to pray and the disciples take off in the boat. When the disciples saw Jesus approaching them, walking on the water, they were "terrified" and they "cried out in fear"
Jesus gives clear instructions: "Take Courage! It is I! Do not be afraid!"
But Peter still doubts, and when he tries to walk on water, he sinks. Jesus asks him why he doubts. "What are you so afraid of?"
Peter doubted Jesus when the winds rose and he began to sink.
I pray tonight that God would give me the courage to trust him. The winds have gotten so strong in my life that I've started to sink. I know I shouldn't be afraid, but I am.
But tonight, and every day, God says "Take Courage! It is I! Do not be afraid!"
Recently, I've been waking up and instead of asking myself "What is going to go wrong today that I should prepare myself for?", I've been saying this prayer:
God, help me remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that you and I can't handle together.
I look forward to the day when God will finally calm this storm. Until then, may he grant me the courage to not be afraid and to trust him when He calls me to walk to Him. Only in Him can I find perfect contentment and peace. And all my anxieties and fears can be cast aside only in His arms.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
The Least of These
The Gospel lesson this morning in church was so meaningful to me. It was the lesson of the separation between the sheep and the goats, especially verses 34-46:
‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’ “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’ “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’ “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”
At times during our lives, we all fall into the category of "the least of these." Right now, I am feeling I fall into "the least of these"- especially the needy/sick.
And I thank God every day for those people who saw Jesus through me and helped me. As they did their acts of kindness and their service for me, they really did it for Jesus.
Blessed be their acts of service and kindness, and may God continue to work and shine upon those who are helping me, the least of these, in many and various ways.
On a different note, I've been really upset and frustrated lately with the way some people are treating me, the least of these, lately. Ignoring me. Not saying hi. Not even being willing to give me the time of day. Seeing me as helpless and hopeless. Not extending a hand of friendship. It has hurt me and I've struggled with the battle of "God, do something about this!"
However, I was reminded today by that passage, that God will take care of it. Those who are persecuting against me, hating me, ignoring me, causing excessive suffering to the "least of these", will have to answer to God some day. He will say "I was sick and you did not look after me.... whatever you did not do for the least of these you did not do for me." Who am I to judge these people? They will have to face God for the way they are living their life.
Right now, I am in a time of great confusion. I am still greatly distressed by the way others are treating me and how things have turned out. Promises broken. Our sinful nature gets the best of us, and I am not upset with any certain individual or circumstance.
I am frustrated with everyone as a whole, more or less. I can't really put it into words. I pray "Why can't others be more like Jesus?", but I realize we are all sinful and that is what frustrates me.
I know that God is the only one who truly knows how I feel, and how He will be the only one who ever understands. I am letting Him make the judgments on others. They will have to answer for their hurtful actions some day to Him. And that's their business and His business. Not mine.
Note: I don't mean for this post to be an attack on any individual who may come across it. This blog is a journal for me, where I can freely write about things on my heart, and things that mean a lot to me. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it.
‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’ “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’ “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’ “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”
At times during our lives, we all fall into the category of "the least of these." Right now, I am feeling I fall into "the least of these"- especially the needy/sick.
And I thank God every day for those people who saw Jesus through me and helped me. As they did their acts of kindness and their service for me, they really did it for Jesus.
Blessed be their acts of service and kindness, and may God continue to work and shine upon those who are helping me, the least of these, in many and various ways.
On a different note, I've been really upset and frustrated lately with the way some people are treating me, the least of these, lately. Ignoring me. Not saying hi. Not even being willing to give me the time of day. Seeing me as helpless and hopeless. Not extending a hand of friendship. It has hurt me and I've struggled with the battle of "God, do something about this!"
However, I was reminded today by that passage, that God will take care of it. Those who are persecuting against me, hating me, ignoring me, causing excessive suffering to the "least of these", will have to answer to God some day. He will say "I was sick and you did not look after me.... whatever you did not do for the least of these you did not do for me." Who am I to judge these people? They will have to face God for the way they are living their life.
Right now, I am in a time of great confusion. I am still greatly distressed by the way others are treating me and how things have turned out. Promises broken. Our sinful nature gets the best of us, and I am not upset with any certain individual or circumstance.
I am frustrated with everyone as a whole, more or less. I can't really put it into words. I pray "Why can't others be more like Jesus?", but I realize we are all sinful and that is what frustrates me.
I know that God is the only one who truly knows how I feel, and how He will be the only one who ever understands. I am letting Him make the judgments on others. They will have to answer for their hurtful actions some day to Him. And that's their business and His business. Not mine.
Note: I don't mean for this post to be an attack on any individual who may come across it. This blog is a journal for me, where I can freely write about things on my heart, and things that mean a lot to me. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
I Have A Voice
I saw The King's Speech tonight. It was an amazing movie, let me tell you. I was able to relate to King George VI in a number of ways.
I know what it feels like to try your hardest at something and not get any better.
I know what it feels like to be blamed for something that is out of your control.
I know what it feels like to have someone angry at you for something that is out of your control.
I know what it feels like to have people give up on you.
I know what it feels like to be pressured to improve, when improvement simply will not come overnight.
I know what it feels like to want to be "fixed," but healing seems a miracle far away.
I know what it feels like to feel afraid of the future.
I know what it feels like to be persecuted against because of an illness.
I know what it feels like.... to finally find your voice.
There were many quotes from the movie which made me laugh out loud, but this quote, not funny, was my favorite from the whole movie:
King George VI: [Logue is sitting on the coronation throne] Get up! Y-you can’t sit there! GET UP!
Lionel Logue: Why not? It’s a chair.
King George VI: T-that… that is Saint Edward’s chair.
Lionel Logue: People have carved their names on it.
King George VI: L-listen to me… listen to me!
Lionel Logue: Why should I waste my time listening to you?
King George VI: Because I have a voice!
Lionel Logue: …yes, you do
I've been in the same scenario, different circumstances. I have felt frustrated because the depression took over me. And I lost my voice. Dylan lost his voice. People said in their own way, after losing hope and giving up, "Why should I waste my time listening to you?"
And Dylan, the one behind the illness, finally spoke up. Dylan has found his voice.
King George VI continued to give speeches after his breakthrough. But he always needed Logue by his side to help him. Because although he had found his voice, his speech impediment was always there, but he was stronger in the end.
While I have found my voice, I still have some muck to work through. I know, that like King George VI, I will be stronger in the end. Because I have a voice.
I know what it feels like to try your hardest at something and not get any better.
I know what it feels like to be blamed for something that is out of your control.
I know what it feels like to have someone angry at you for something that is out of your control.
I know what it feels like to have people give up on you.
I know what it feels like to be pressured to improve, when improvement simply will not come overnight.
I know what it feels like to want to be "fixed," but healing seems a miracle far away.
I know what it feels like to feel afraid of the future.
I know what it feels like to be persecuted against because of an illness.
I know what it feels like.... to finally find your voice.
There were many quotes from the movie which made me laugh out loud, but this quote, not funny, was my favorite from the whole movie:
King George VI: [Logue is sitting on the coronation throne] Get up! Y-you can’t sit there! GET UP!
Lionel Logue: Why not? It’s a chair.
King George VI: T-that… that is Saint Edward’s chair.
Lionel Logue: People have carved their names on it.
King George VI: L-listen to me… listen to me!
Lionel Logue: Why should I waste my time listening to you?
King George VI: Because I have a voice!
Lionel Logue: …yes, you do
I've been in the same scenario, different circumstances. I have felt frustrated because the depression took over me. And I lost my voice. Dylan lost his voice. People said in their own way, after losing hope and giving up, "Why should I waste my time listening to you?"
And Dylan, the one behind the illness, finally spoke up. Dylan has found his voice.
King George VI continued to give speeches after his breakthrough. But he always needed Logue by his side to help him. Because although he had found his voice, his speech impediment was always there, but he was stronger in the end.
While I have found my voice, I still have some muck to work through. I know, that like King George VI, I will be stronger in the end. Because I have a voice.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Every Day in Every Way
"Every day in every way I'm getting better!"
For Valentine's Day, my mom sent me a "Therapy Box", and in it are small slips of paper. Each day I pull one out to read, and on them are quotes, words, and Scripture verses of encouragement.
Today's saying was rather optimistic:
"Every day in every way I'm getting better!"
I pulled it out and laughed, and initially I thought "That's rather absurd."
But, then I realized, it's not such a crazy thing to say. And it's true.
Some days, the road seems long and I feel beaten down by life, by other people, by class, by stress, and I always wonder "Did I do the right thing?"
But ultimately, in many ways, I am making progress every single day. Lately I've been going to bed saying "I survived another day. And I am proud. Because it wasn't easy."
And in the mornings I would usually say to myself "What do you need to prepare yourself for what's going to go wrong today? How can people treat me any worse today? What else can possibly go wrong in your life today that you need to be ready for?"
And I realized that no matter how hard I tried to "prepare", I really was never ready for what took place. I have been blindsided by so many events that have happened, and now I look back and think "Look how much you survived....
You were confined to a wheelchair for six weeks.
You moved on to a walker for four weeks.
You moved on to a cane for four weeks.
You then were walking on your own.
You were having panic attacks and those have become infrequent.
You were having anxiety attacks and those are manageable.
You were not sleeping because you were so worked up. Now rest is more manageable.
You were not eating because you were too upset. Now you have your appetite back.
You wanted to die but you now realize your life is worth more than anything to the one who won salvation for you.
You were falling behind in classes because it was hard to focus, but you earned straight A's last semester.
You would not associate with many people because of what was going on. Now you can converse again with almost anyone.
You were hearing extreme voices in your head and vocalizing them. Now they are a whisper in the background.
You had many people give up on you, but you did not give up on yourself.
You lost faith for a brief time, but now you are closer to God than ever.
You became ill as you tried different medications, but you stayed strong.
You were walked out on by your friends and are still being ignored and slandered against, but you are keeping your head up and keeping your eye on your best friend, Jesus.
You were having self-injurious thoughts, but you have won the battle against them.
You were told you couldn't do this here at school, but you pushed through and are winning a battle.
Whew! that's some heavy stuff. And the list could go on. I truly have been through a lot. And I don't know what other bends I will face in the road. But the list above shows that I truly am getting better every day in every way.
While my progress may not always be evident to myself or to others, it's happening. I'm learning and growing every day.
I don't know what the next curve ball will be. I'm not going to worry about it. Today is the only day worth focusing on. I've been through enough. The only thing I look forward to is the day where I will get a big pat on the back from God and I will hear him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant."
I haven't been perfect throughout this, but I've always done the best I could do. And I have not lost faith in God. Though the world has walked out, and everything I encountered was screaming "GIVE UP!", God remained faithful, and hope gently whispered, "Keep going."
I am being made stronger every day. While I certainly hope my trials are nearing their end, at least for a little while, if something else were to go "wrong" or "awry", I think I would be ready to face it.
Because I am getting better.
Every day.
In every way.
For Valentine's Day, my mom sent me a "Therapy Box", and in it are small slips of paper. Each day I pull one out to read, and on them are quotes, words, and Scripture verses of encouragement.
Today's saying was rather optimistic:
"Every day in every way I'm getting better!"
I pulled it out and laughed, and initially I thought "That's rather absurd."
But, then I realized, it's not such a crazy thing to say. And it's true.
Some days, the road seems long and I feel beaten down by life, by other people, by class, by stress, and I always wonder "Did I do the right thing?"
But ultimately, in many ways, I am making progress every single day. Lately I've been going to bed saying "I survived another day. And I am proud. Because it wasn't easy."
And in the mornings I would usually say to myself "What do you need to prepare yourself for what's going to go wrong today? How can people treat me any worse today? What else can possibly go wrong in your life today that you need to be ready for?"
And I realized that no matter how hard I tried to "prepare", I really was never ready for what took place. I have been blindsided by so many events that have happened, and now I look back and think "Look how much you survived....
You were confined to a wheelchair for six weeks.
You moved on to a walker for four weeks.
You moved on to a cane for four weeks.
You then were walking on your own.
You were having panic attacks and those have become infrequent.
You were having anxiety attacks and those are manageable.
You were not sleeping because you were so worked up. Now rest is more manageable.
You were not eating because you were too upset. Now you have your appetite back.
You wanted to die but you now realize your life is worth more than anything to the one who won salvation for you.
You were falling behind in classes because it was hard to focus, but you earned straight A's last semester.
You would not associate with many people because of what was going on. Now you can converse again with almost anyone.
You were hearing extreme voices in your head and vocalizing them. Now they are a whisper in the background.
You had many people give up on you, but you did not give up on yourself.
You lost faith for a brief time, but now you are closer to God than ever.
You became ill as you tried different medications, but you stayed strong.
You were walked out on by your friends and are still being ignored and slandered against, but you are keeping your head up and keeping your eye on your best friend, Jesus.
You were having self-injurious thoughts, but you have won the battle against them.
You were told you couldn't do this here at school, but you pushed through and are winning a battle.
Whew! that's some heavy stuff. And the list could go on. I truly have been through a lot. And I don't know what other bends I will face in the road. But the list above shows that I truly am getting better every day in every way.
While my progress may not always be evident to myself or to others, it's happening. I'm learning and growing every day.
I don't know what the next curve ball will be. I'm not going to worry about it. Today is the only day worth focusing on. I've been through enough. The only thing I look forward to is the day where I will get a big pat on the back from God and I will hear him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant."
I haven't been perfect throughout this, but I've always done the best I could do. And I have not lost faith in God. Though the world has walked out, and everything I encountered was screaming "GIVE UP!", God remained faithful, and hope gently whispered, "Keep going."
I am being made stronger every day. While I certainly hope my trials are nearing their end, at least for a little while, if something else were to go "wrong" or "awry", I think I would be ready to face it.
Because I am getting better.
Every day.
In every way.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Talking Like an Ice Dispenser
I chose to read It's Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini for an upcoming Banned Books project in Adolescent Lit. The project is new, so I've just chosen the book and just cracked it open for a quick read through the first few chapters. It is about mental illness, and Chapter One starts off saying that it's hard to talk when you're mentally ill. It's something I've had trouble describing to others, but Vizzini (this is actually an autobiographical work) describes things fairly accurately:
That's above and beyond everything else, and it's not a mental complaint- it's a physical thing, like it's physically hard to open your mouth and make words come out. They don't come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people's words do; they come out in chunks as if from a crushed ice dispenser; you stumble on them as they gather on your lower lip. So you just keep quiet.
And that's coming from the first page of the book, so I am anxious to see other ways this author is able to describe some nightmares associated with this illness.
Because that is accurate- I have felt like my brain has lost connection with my mouth, and while my words aren't necessarily in "chunks," I tend to say things that I normally wouldn't say.
In fact, many times, after I have regained a sense of calm after an erupting/upsetting situation, I think, Dylan, did you REALLY just say those things?! And I sit in regret and wallow in shame.
That's why for a while, I kept my conversation with people to a minimum. And those who I did associate with suffered the lash of my tongue. I said things I will forever regret. I don't know if it really was me, or if it was the illness speaking. All I know is that I have lost total control before.
I am happy to report that I have gained almost complete control over what comes sliding out of my mouth. I credit it to my recent change in medication. There is just something that has changed ever since I got off the old medication and on to the new. I didn't think it could work so fast, and it might just be a placebo affect (time will tell if that was the case), but at any rate, things are much better. Everything nowadays I say and do seems to be deliberate and from MY heart, not from the heart of the illness.
And it's a relief to know that there is another person out there who has experienced similar things. It's not just me. Someone else understands. I'm not an inexplicable case. Other people have faced this struggle.
These last few days have just been filled with so many affirmative, positive and I like it. I am really starting to think the "new" Dylan is here to stay. A visit with my psychiatrist on Monday afternoon will tell if we are on the right track and what is the next step to take. Prayers still needed and appreciated!
That's above and beyond everything else, and it's not a mental complaint- it's a physical thing, like it's physically hard to open your mouth and make words come out. They don't come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people's words do; they come out in chunks as if from a crushed ice dispenser; you stumble on them as they gather on your lower lip. So you just keep quiet.
And that's coming from the first page of the book, so I am anxious to see other ways this author is able to describe some nightmares associated with this illness.
Because that is accurate- I have felt like my brain has lost connection with my mouth, and while my words aren't necessarily in "chunks," I tend to say things that I normally wouldn't say.
In fact, many times, after I have regained a sense of calm after an erupting/upsetting situation, I think, Dylan, did you REALLY just say those things?! And I sit in regret and wallow in shame.
That's why for a while, I kept my conversation with people to a minimum. And those who I did associate with suffered the lash of my tongue. I said things I will forever regret. I don't know if it really was me, or if it was the illness speaking. All I know is that I have lost total control before.
I am happy to report that I have gained almost complete control over what comes sliding out of my mouth. I credit it to my recent change in medication. There is just something that has changed ever since I got off the old medication and on to the new. I didn't think it could work so fast, and it might just be a placebo affect (time will tell if that was the case), but at any rate, things are much better. Everything nowadays I say and do seems to be deliberate and from MY heart, not from the heart of the illness.
And it's a relief to know that there is another person out there who has experienced similar things. It's not just me. Someone else understands. I'm not an inexplicable case. Other people have faced this struggle.
These last few days have just been filled with so many affirmative, positive and I like it. I am really starting to think the "new" Dylan is here to stay. A visit with my psychiatrist on Monday afternoon will tell if we are on the right track and what is the next step to take. Prayers still needed and appreciated!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Time with God
"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!"- Psalm 118:24
I recall saying something along the lines at the beginning of the year about that becoming my theme verse for this year, thinking it would be so easy.
Boy, was I wrong. Granted it's only been less than two months, I haven't been very good at finding reasons to rejoice in the days the Lord has made.
Today was an exception.
So many people remarked "It's such a beautiful day today!" And I thought "Well, I am not going to let it go to waste." Granted I had some drama happen during the afternoon, I decided I was going to escape the world for a while and spend some time with God.
So I spent a long time on the Plum Creek Trail. I didn't bring my iPod. I didn't bring my cell phone. I brought my Bible and walked a ways, past Highway 15, and then went off the marked path to a secluded place.
There, I talked with God. I vented my anger. I let my tears flow. I gave thanks where thanks was due. I prayed for myself and for others.
It was nice. I didn't expect to erupt into tears, but, it happened. It was nice to "escape" the real world for a while and spend time with my Father.
And on the way back, I rejoiced in the beauty of the day. In the creation all around me. While the singing of the birds was rather sparse, there were a few of them. I sang along with them, in happiness.
While I wish I could say, the walk and time with God "fixed" all my problems, it certainly didn't. But it was nice to leave reality for a little while and reflect. And let out some of my sadness and frustrations and anger.
I have become weak, but I was strengthened today by my walk with God.
I recall saying something along the lines at the beginning of the year about that becoming my theme verse for this year, thinking it would be so easy.
Boy, was I wrong. Granted it's only been less than two months, I haven't been very good at finding reasons to rejoice in the days the Lord has made.
Today was an exception.
So many people remarked "It's such a beautiful day today!" And I thought "Well, I am not going to let it go to waste." Granted I had some drama happen during the afternoon, I decided I was going to escape the world for a while and spend some time with God.
So I spent a long time on the Plum Creek Trail. I didn't bring my iPod. I didn't bring my cell phone. I brought my Bible and walked a ways, past Highway 15, and then went off the marked path to a secluded place.
There, I talked with God. I vented my anger. I let my tears flow. I gave thanks where thanks was due. I prayed for myself and for others.
It was nice. I didn't expect to erupt into tears, but, it happened. It was nice to "escape" the real world for a while and spend time with my Father.
And on the way back, I rejoiced in the beauty of the day. In the creation all around me. While the singing of the birds was rather sparse, there were a few of them. I sang along with them, in happiness.
While I wish I could say, the walk and time with God "fixed" all my problems, it certainly didn't. But it was nice to leave reality for a little while and reflect. And let out some of my sadness and frustrations and anger.
I have become weak, but I was strengthened today by my walk with God.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Usefulness
We're reading The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie for Adolescent Lit. class. While doing my reading tonight, this quote struck me:
"If you care about something enough, it's going to make you cry. But you have to use it. Use your tears. Use your pain. Use your fear."
The last few days I've written about things that this illness has damaged. I do care about all of them enough, and I have cried myself to sleep at night about them.
I guess I've just been using the tears, the pain, and the fear for making myself upset.
I guess I've been looking at it the wrong way. I don't know how I am going to use my upcoming tears, pain and fear, but I'm not going to let them go to waste any more.
Thanks, Sherman Alexie.
"If you care about something enough, it's going to make you cry. But you have to use it. Use your tears. Use your pain. Use your fear."
The last few days I've written about things that this illness has damaged. I do care about all of them enough, and I have cried myself to sleep at night about them.
I guess I've just been using the tears, the pain, and the fear for making myself upset.
I guess I've been looking at it the wrong way. I don't know how I am going to use my upcoming tears, pain and fear, but I'm not going to let them go to waste any more.
Thanks, Sherman Alexie.
Acceptance
Hi. My name is Dylan and I have a mental illness.
There. I said it.
Today in therapy we talked a lot about acceptance. And we came to realize that I haven't really accepted the circumstances to be what they really are.
But, I accept it. I have a mental illness. And I did not cause it. And I am doing my best to heal and recover from it. It's my cross to bear, and though it's a heavy one, I'll bear it.
Accepting it doesn't make me any less of a person or human being. I am still Dylan, with an illness.
I find comfort tonight in Psalm 139. The whole thing is good, but I especially focused on verses 11-14. There it reads this:
If I say "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light will become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful. I know that full well."
I've said it before- my damage, my elephant, doesn't define me. In fact, it's with me, but I'm going to put a blanket over it and hope that nobody notices it.
I'm certainly not going to let it get in my way.
Because God made me just the way He wanted. Every neuron in my brain was designed and fashioned in His image. And who am I to get upset with the Creator of the Universe for not giving me "normal" neurotransmitters? He obviously had a plan in mind when He made this grand design.
And I am not sure, but, that Psalmist could be writing about depression. Because darkness hid the real Dylan for a while. (Don't worry, he's back now.) God saw the real Dylan, the one he fearfully and wonderfully made behind that darkness.
God did something wonderful when He made me just the way I am.
And because I was fearfully and wonderfully made, I was loved so much that He sent His only Son to die for even "not normal" people like me.
And that is reason enough for me to rejoice. And smile. And walk out of the darkness into the marvelous light.
Hello, world. My name is Dylan and I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I like that much better. I think I can accept that.
There. I said it.
Today in therapy we talked a lot about acceptance. And we came to realize that I haven't really accepted the circumstances to be what they really are.
But, I accept it. I have a mental illness. And I did not cause it. And I am doing my best to heal and recover from it. It's my cross to bear, and though it's a heavy one, I'll bear it.
Accepting it doesn't make me any less of a person or human being. I am still Dylan, with an illness.
I find comfort tonight in Psalm 139. The whole thing is good, but I especially focused on verses 11-14. There it reads this:
If I say "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light will become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful. I know that full well."
I've said it before- my damage, my elephant, doesn't define me. In fact, it's with me, but I'm going to put a blanket over it and hope that nobody notices it.
I'm certainly not going to let it get in my way.
Because God made me just the way He wanted. Every neuron in my brain was designed and fashioned in His image. And who am I to get upset with the Creator of the Universe for not giving me "normal" neurotransmitters? He obviously had a plan in mind when He made this grand design.
And I am not sure, but, that Psalmist could be writing about depression. Because darkness hid the real Dylan for a while. (Don't worry, he's back now.) God saw the real Dylan, the one he fearfully and wonderfully made behind that darkness.
God did something wonderful when He made me just the way I am.
And because I was fearfully and wonderfully made, I was loved so much that He sent His only Son to die for even "not normal" people like me.
And that is reason enough for me to rejoice. And smile. And walk out of the darkness into the marvelous light.
Hello, world. My name is Dylan and I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I like that much better. I think I can accept that.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Big Problem
I'm really an angry person.
I try and always pretend like things don't bother me. A remark I hear all-too-often is "Dylan, I have never seen you get angry." I thought that was a good thing, for a while. But now I've realized being angry is okay. Even being angry with God.
I am so angry that this happened. That this has changed so many things in my life. I'm angry at God. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at my parents. I'm angry with my friends. I am simply angry.
I'm angry at God because he allowed this to happen. Angry at myself for not noticing it sooner and letting it get the best of me. Angry at my parents for biological reasons. Angry at my friends for not holding true to their words. Angry at any given circumstance.
I just screamed, startling many neighbors, I'm sure:
IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!
I am so frustrated! So very very frustrated!!!!!!!! This is the most frustrated and confused I have ever felt. And as a gentle professor reminded me today, "It comes with the illness, Dylan."
Well, how convenient. He also said "Dylan, I feel for you. This is one of the most confusing illnesses that are out there and I wish I had a magic wand to make things all better. Just know that it's okay to be frustrated. But don't ask why, ask, "What can I do to cope?""
Sometimes I feel to blame, and I get frustrated with myself. "You're innocent, Dylan." Well, thanks, but in the end, the illness is within me and and it at times has controlled me.
Which is why this is not fair to me!!! Because something lies in me, the Dylan many people came to know and love is now at fault.
I know I made the elephant analogy before, but, it came up today in group therapy. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, you can go back and read my post titled, 'The Elephant'). The leader explained to me that people still view me as carrying this elephant along with me...
"I don't want to speak to Dylan because he'll have the elephant with him and I can't deal with the elephant."
"I can't sit with Dylan because the elephant will be sitting there too and I can't deal with it."
"I don't know if I want to invite Dylan because the elephant will come along."
And I try to tell people, "Look! See! The elephant is not anywhere near me"... But, they think...
"I still don't want to speak to Dylan because the elephant could show up unannounced."
"I still don't want Dylan to come along because the elephant may come find him eventually."
I wish people didn't think that way!!! Because I am my own person!!! I am NOT the elephant, and I am trying my best to fight him off!!! I wish people could trust me in that.
And I am so frustrated because I did not ASK for this elephant to come. I did not INVITE him. I want him gone as much as the next guy.
But unfortunately, for some, the elephant has become Dylan. And that's not okay...
Because, way, deep, down, Dylan is still there, hiding behind that monstrous elephant.
And he's scared. He's afraid. He's weak. He's hurt.
He's trembling because everyone hates the elephant and since the elephant overpowers Dylan, Dylan suffers their hate.
And all he wants is to be loved. To get another chance. To not be associated with this elephant.
And there Dylan sits, crying and frustrated. Crying because he is suffering the problems this elephant brought. Crying because he is hurt that he is being judged/excluded/slandered because of the elephant. And it's not fair.
And what makes Dylan cry the hardest is the fact there is nothing he can do about it. The elephant has done so much irreversible, inexplicable damage. Dylan can do all the explaining he wants, but, it doesn't change what this elephant has done.
God help me remove this elephant from my life. God help others look past the elephant and see the real Dylan. The Dylan who deserves another chance. The Dylan everyone came to love. Don't let them forget about him. The Dylan you love who you sent your Son to die for.
I try and always pretend like things don't bother me. A remark I hear all-too-often is "Dylan, I have never seen you get angry." I thought that was a good thing, for a while. But now I've realized being angry is okay. Even being angry with God.
I am so angry that this happened. That this has changed so many things in my life. I'm angry at God. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at my parents. I'm angry with my friends. I am simply angry.
I'm angry at God because he allowed this to happen. Angry at myself for not noticing it sooner and letting it get the best of me. Angry at my parents for biological reasons. Angry at my friends for not holding true to their words. Angry at any given circumstance.
I just screamed, startling many neighbors, I'm sure:
IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!
I am so frustrated! So very very frustrated!!!!!!!! This is the most frustrated and confused I have ever felt. And as a gentle professor reminded me today, "It comes with the illness, Dylan."
Well, how convenient. He also said "Dylan, I feel for you. This is one of the most confusing illnesses that are out there and I wish I had a magic wand to make things all better. Just know that it's okay to be frustrated. But don't ask why, ask, "What can I do to cope?""
Sometimes I feel to blame, and I get frustrated with myself. "You're innocent, Dylan." Well, thanks, but in the end, the illness is within me and and it at times has controlled me.
Which is why this is not fair to me!!! Because something lies in me, the Dylan many people came to know and love is now at fault.
I know I made the elephant analogy before, but, it came up today in group therapy. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, you can go back and read my post titled, 'The Elephant'). The leader explained to me that people still view me as carrying this elephant along with me...
"I don't want to speak to Dylan because he'll have the elephant with him and I can't deal with the elephant."
"I can't sit with Dylan because the elephant will be sitting there too and I can't deal with it."
"I don't know if I want to invite Dylan because the elephant will come along."
And I try to tell people, "Look! See! The elephant is not anywhere near me"... But, they think...
"I still don't want to speak to Dylan because the elephant could show up unannounced."
"I still don't want Dylan to come along because the elephant may come find him eventually."
I wish people didn't think that way!!! Because I am my own person!!! I am NOT the elephant, and I am trying my best to fight him off!!! I wish people could trust me in that.
And I am so frustrated because I did not ASK for this elephant to come. I did not INVITE him. I want him gone as much as the next guy.
But unfortunately, for some, the elephant has become Dylan. And that's not okay...
Because, way, deep, down, Dylan is still there, hiding behind that monstrous elephant.
And he's scared. He's afraid. He's weak. He's hurt.
He's trembling because everyone hates the elephant and since the elephant overpowers Dylan, Dylan suffers their hate.
And all he wants is to be loved. To get another chance. To not be associated with this elephant.
And there Dylan sits, crying and frustrated. Crying because he is suffering the problems this elephant brought. Crying because he is hurt that he is being judged/excluded/slandered because of the elephant. And it's not fair.
And what makes Dylan cry the hardest is the fact there is nothing he can do about it. The elephant has done so much irreversible, inexplicable damage. Dylan can do all the explaining he wants, but, it doesn't change what this elephant has done.
God help me remove this elephant from my life. God help others look past the elephant and see the real Dylan. The Dylan who deserves another chance. The Dylan everyone came to love. Don't let them forget about him. The Dylan you love who you sent your Son to die for.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
What If...
I know I posted yesterday about not living in the past and enjoying the present, but last night, I laid awake wondering, "What if this had never happened...?"
What if that Sunday morning I had not passed out in church? What if I kept my story to myself and only a select few? What if things had been different?
I know it's not logical or rational thinking, but I can't help to think, "What if?"
and IF this had never happened, I wouldn't have this mess to clean up. I wouldn't have to deal with a lot of today's drama. If, If, If.... What if....
How would today be different if yesterday had not happened?
How would tomorrow be different if yesterday had not happened?
Winston Churchill once said, "If you're going through hell, keep going..."
I'm keeping going. But, how much longer? What if I am always going through hell?
Tonight I decided to meditate on Psalm 121. I'm not going to type it here, I encourage everyone to take a look at it for themselves. Instead of asking "What if..." I am going to start asking "What now..."
For I lift my eyes to the mountains, and I find that my help comes from the Lord. What now? The Lord promises in Psalm 121 that He will not sleep nor slumber. He is always watching over me, even amidst this time of "What if"-- What now? I am under complete protection and care.
What if that Sunday morning I had not passed out in church? What if I kept my story to myself and only a select few? What if things had been different?
I know it's not logical or rational thinking, but I can't help to think, "What if?"
and IF this had never happened, I wouldn't have this mess to clean up. I wouldn't have to deal with a lot of today's drama. If, If, If.... What if....
How would today be different if yesterday had not happened?
How would tomorrow be different if yesterday had not happened?
Winston Churchill once said, "If you're going through hell, keep going..."
I'm keeping going. But, how much longer? What if I am always going through hell?
Tonight I decided to meditate on Psalm 121. I'm not going to type it here, I encourage everyone to take a look at it for themselves. Instead of asking "What if..." I am going to start asking "What now..."
For I lift my eyes to the mountains, and I find that my help comes from the Lord. What now? The Lord promises in Psalm 121 that He will not sleep nor slumber. He is always watching over me, even amidst this time of "What if"-- What now? I am under complete protection and care.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Each Day A Gift
One thing I asked Professor Reek was something like "What if it is like that for you the rest of your life?" and he said "I don't know. I'm only worried about today. We should live taking life one day at a time."
And it sort of hit me.... That's where some of my problems come from. I get too wrapped up in the future and worry about what tomorrow is going to bring, often forgetting about what lies at hand.
And it's also hard not living in the past. Remembering what things I've done or said or was ashamed of.
The future and past sort of control my life. I have a plaque above my desk that reads "Don't let yesterday use up too much of today."- Each day is too valuable to focus on what has happened in the past. Rather, we should focus on what tasks we are presented with every day.
One of my favorite quotes is: Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present. ~Babatunde Olatunji
And it sort of hit me.... That's where some of my problems come from. I get too wrapped up in the future and worry about what tomorrow is going to bring, often forgetting about what lies at hand.
And it's also hard not living in the past. Remembering what things I've done or said or was ashamed of.
The future and past sort of control my life. I have a plaque above my desk that reads "Don't let yesterday use up too much of today."- Each day is too valuable to focus on what has happened in the past. Rather, we should focus on what tasks we are presented with every day.
One of my favorite quotes is: Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present. ~Babatunde Olatunji
Each day is a gift- a new treasure- from God, and should be valued likewise. Every second we have is precious and we should focus on the gifts God has given us then and there rather than be consumed with yesterday's affairs or tomorrow's upcoming stresses.
Being ill, I've learned to take nothing for granted. Not even health. No where in the Bible does God promise us perfect health or a life free of pain and hardship. No where are we promised perfect lives with daisies and roses. (Though, we can look forward to a life like that in heaven).
Meanwhile here on earth, every thing we have is precious and valuable. You don't know what you have until you lose it. And when it's gone, sometimes it's too late to get it back.
Forget about yesterday. Forget about tomorrow. Focus on today and the gifts of the present.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Listening Ears
"You can stop by any time and talk!" I heard that three times today, and I've heard it many times before. Briefly at lunch I vented my frustrations to two theology professors as they were getting their food, and tonight at a band concert to a music professor sitting next to me.
"You can stop by any time and talk!"
Those are the best words I can hear right now. The most comforting words I can hear. It is so nice to know that I have so many theology professors, pastors, education professors, music professors, and other staff and faculty here on campus who are on my side. It is so comforting, because no matter what I tell them, they are not judging me, letting my illness define me, or pushing blame on me. They are all the kindest, most sincere people I have ever worked with. And while sometimes they have to tell me I am thinking irrationally, they go about it so kindly and sincerely.
It seems as though as my mood is elevated and I undergo intense cognitive psychotherapy to control my uncontrollable thoughts, it seems like all that is left to do is to clean up the mess I've made.
The mess I've made and the drama I created with friends and relationships. I'm still sorting through it. Still losing sleep over some things I've said or done. Still beating myself up for it. While each one of these caring adults has reminded me that none of what I've done is in any way my fault, it seems that isn't quite enough to convince me.
It seems like I need to see evidence, hear from other people that it's okay, the mess has been sorted out, and they are not angry or don't wish to speak to me. I want to begin a new normal and until this drama is cleaned up and sorted through, that's not going to happen. Because if it's not, then it is still defining me and people are still using the past to define the future. And that's not okay.
And now, the only "help" I need from people are listening ears. While I am not letting the illness define me and that is the farthest topic of conversation from my peer relationships, simply talking to someone about life in general is so good for my continued progress toward optimal wellness.
I love talking. I love being around people. That's the new me, and that's not going to change. I have learned to let go, and let God, and I wish others could do the same.
"You can stop by any time and talk!"
Those are the best words I can hear right now. The most comforting words I can hear. It is so nice to know that I have so many theology professors, pastors, education professors, music professors, and other staff and faculty here on campus who are on my side. It is so comforting, because no matter what I tell them, they are not judging me, letting my illness define me, or pushing blame on me. They are all the kindest, most sincere people I have ever worked with. And while sometimes they have to tell me I am thinking irrationally, they go about it so kindly and sincerely.
It seems as though as my mood is elevated and I undergo intense cognitive psychotherapy to control my uncontrollable thoughts, it seems like all that is left to do is to clean up the mess I've made.
The mess I've made and the drama I created with friends and relationships. I'm still sorting through it. Still losing sleep over some things I've said or done. Still beating myself up for it. While each one of these caring adults has reminded me that none of what I've done is in any way my fault, it seems that isn't quite enough to convince me.
It seems like I need to see evidence, hear from other people that it's okay, the mess has been sorted out, and they are not angry or don't wish to speak to me. I want to begin a new normal and until this drama is cleaned up and sorted through, that's not going to happen. Because if it's not, then it is still defining me and people are still using the past to define the future. And that's not okay.
And now, the only "help" I need from people are listening ears. While I am not letting the illness define me and that is the farthest topic of conversation from my peer relationships, simply talking to someone about life in general is so good for my continued progress toward optimal wellness.
I love talking. I love being around people. That's the new me, and that's not going to change. I have learned to let go, and let God, and I wish others could do the same.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Little Reminders
Today, part of my organ lesson was spent discussing life matters. And I was okay with that. Because my professor, Dr. Ore, who has known me for four years, knows when something is really wrong with me.
While he knows what has been wrong and the specifics of my health problems, today he asked what was bothering me and I, for the sake of time, skimmed the surface of some of my hurts and frustrations. He offered many great words of wisdom. While what we discussed was somewhat private, it made me feel better to know that it's okay to be feeling the way I am. He reminded me that it's more important to be healthy than it is perfect.
Today, also in Family Life Ministry class, Dr. Warren talked about how some people like to play the role of God in trying to control relationships. And unfortunately, I fell short and let my sinful flesh take control and that made me want control. Now that I recognize this, it is benefiting my health greatly.
I was also reminded in an e-mail today of the following:
Dylan, you are not common. You are a special being, kind, smart, considerate, observing, deep, funny, with an unyielding faith in God! You are a dream come true for most people, and do not let people see you for what you became when you got sick- - rather, let people see you for all of the above- who you REALLY are.
It's great little reminders like all of the above that I do have the strength to push through this. God does not expect perfection, only faithfulness. And I have remained faithful. And that is one thing this illness did not, or will not ever, take away from me.
While he knows what has been wrong and the specifics of my health problems, today he asked what was bothering me and I, for the sake of time, skimmed the surface of some of my hurts and frustrations. He offered many great words of wisdom. While what we discussed was somewhat private, it made me feel better to know that it's okay to be feeling the way I am. He reminded me that it's more important to be healthy than it is perfect.
Today, also in Family Life Ministry class, Dr. Warren talked about how some people like to play the role of God in trying to control relationships. And unfortunately, I fell short and let my sinful flesh take control and that made me want control. Now that I recognize this, it is benefiting my health greatly.
I was also reminded in an e-mail today of the following:
Dylan, you are not common. You are a special being, kind, smart, considerate, observing, deep, funny, with an unyielding faith in God! You are a dream come true for most people, and do not let people see you for what you became when you got sick- - rather, let people see you for all of the above- who you REALLY are.
It's great little reminders like all of the above that I do have the strength to push through this. God does not expect perfection, only faithfulness. And I have remained faithful. And that is one thing this illness did not, or will not ever, take away from me.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Love is Expensive
Professor R is outstanding. I had a very long, personal conversation with him about the many things I am facing in my life, "behind the scenes" battles if you will, and it was good to be able to share them with him and know that I am not the only one facing some of this stuff and having problems. Everyone has their own cross to bear. I wish I had carried a tape recorder to record every word he said, because there was so much good stuff to soak up and I'm sure I missed some of what he said because I was too hung up on something good he had said and I wanted to remember it.
I'd like to share, and elaborate, on some of the things he shared with me. The thing that struck me the most is "Love is expensive." Friends and family who have been helping me get through this have realized that. Friends are called to fulfill their vocations as friends and colleagues, and no one ever promised that it would be easy. Sometimes helping each other is emotionally and physically taxing- but as Christians, we are called to love one another, and sometimes that's expensive on our parts. Sometimes the crosses we bear become crosses that others help us bear, and we do it out of love. We are called to love as Christ loved us (John 13). And sometimes, it's okay to step back and take a break. But we should never forget our calling as disciples of Jesus.
I referred yesterday to not knowing "why" this was happening- and he simply said "That's none of your business. It's God's business. Asking 'why' is for people working with Physics." He also said that sometimes a car gets in the ditch, and it is not important why it got there, but what it's important is that it gets out. I don't really care or am going to investigate further "why" I have had a mood elevation these last few days. It doesn't really matter.
He also explained that this illness makes me able to relate to Jesus more, and Jesus to me more. I know to an extent the feelings that Christ felt on the week of His betrayal. Professor R remarked, "This will make you excellent at choosing and playing Lenten music."
We especially looked at Matthew 26:36-46: Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter. “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.” When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. So he left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing. Then he returned to the disciples and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Look, the hour has come, and the Son of Man is delivered into the hands of sinners. Rise! Let us go! Here comes my betrayer!”
Basically, it's what has been happening to me, but in a different experience! I had not made that connection before, but he made it right away- I have said to my friends that my soul is overwhelmed, and asked for their help. I have prayed to God that "take this cup from me." (He will, in His time). And my friends have been willing to help, and their spirit has been willing, but their flesh has become weak. I've grown frustrated, and said "Couldn't you keep watch with me for one hour?!" But, it's not their fault. They are only human. They have the old adam in them. Everyone does. It's nobody's fault.
Which brings up another good point we discussed. I still cannot get past feeling blame, fault, or shame for what has been happening. He compared it to someone with Cancer, Parkinson's disease, Diabetes, etc. For them to apologize for their condition would be absurd. This is a condition which is not my fault. I have no reason to be sorry or apologize or whatever. I certainly didn't ask for this to happen and I certainly don't mean for other people to be affected negatively. But it has happened. And I pray that people are filled with understanding, compassion, and forgiveness. Because I am not to blame.
I also expressed that I feared people were becoming uncomfortable with me. He said "Bearing crosses was not meant to be comfortable, ask Jesus... do you think that He was ever comfortable when His last week began?"
Everyone has their own cross(es) to bear. This is one of mine. I am doing the best I can. Nobody's job is to remove the cross or the cup from me, but to love me and help me through it, even though it may be expensive. In Matthew 16, we hear Jesus say, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." (v. 24). No where there does it say bearing the cross would be easy. No where in there does it say it would be comfortable. It's a part of following Christ. It's a part of loving one another. It's our role as disciples of Christ and sharing His love.
For love was really expensive- it cost God His only Son. That was the most expensive love of all. John 3:16.
On the way out he said something that made me smile:
"You're a good man. Don't you ever forget that or let anyone try and make you feel otherwise."
I'd like to share, and elaborate, on some of the things he shared with me. The thing that struck me the most is "Love is expensive." Friends and family who have been helping me get through this have realized that. Friends are called to fulfill their vocations as friends and colleagues, and no one ever promised that it would be easy. Sometimes helping each other is emotionally and physically taxing- but as Christians, we are called to love one another, and sometimes that's expensive on our parts. Sometimes the crosses we bear become crosses that others help us bear, and we do it out of love. We are called to love as Christ loved us (John 13). And sometimes, it's okay to step back and take a break. But we should never forget our calling as disciples of Jesus.
I referred yesterday to not knowing "why" this was happening- and he simply said "That's none of your business. It's God's business. Asking 'why' is for people working with Physics." He also said that sometimes a car gets in the ditch, and it is not important why it got there, but what it's important is that it gets out. I don't really care or am going to investigate further "why" I have had a mood elevation these last few days. It doesn't really matter.
He also explained that this illness makes me able to relate to Jesus more, and Jesus to me more. I know to an extent the feelings that Christ felt on the week of His betrayal. Professor R remarked, "This will make you excellent at choosing and playing Lenten music."
We especially looked at Matthew 26:36-46: Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter. “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.” When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. So he left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing. Then he returned to the disciples and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Look, the hour has come, and the Son of Man is delivered into the hands of sinners. Rise! Let us go! Here comes my betrayer!”
Basically, it's what has been happening to me, but in a different experience! I had not made that connection before, but he made it right away- I have said to my friends that my soul is overwhelmed, and asked for their help. I have prayed to God that "take this cup from me." (He will, in His time). And my friends have been willing to help, and their spirit has been willing, but their flesh has become weak. I've grown frustrated, and said "Couldn't you keep watch with me for one hour?!" But, it's not their fault. They are only human. They have the old adam in them. Everyone does. It's nobody's fault.
Which brings up another good point we discussed. I still cannot get past feeling blame, fault, or shame for what has been happening. He compared it to someone with Cancer, Parkinson's disease, Diabetes, etc. For them to apologize for their condition would be absurd. This is a condition which is not my fault. I have no reason to be sorry or apologize or whatever. I certainly didn't ask for this to happen and I certainly don't mean for other people to be affected negatively. But it has happened. And I pray that people are filled with understanding, compassion, and forgiveness. Because I am not to blame.
I also expressed that I feared people were becoming uncomfortable with me. He said "Bearing crosses was not meant to be comfortable, ask Jesus... do you think that He was ever comfortable when His last week began?"
Everyone has their own cross(es) to bear. This is one of mine. I am doing the best I can. Nobody's job is to remove the cross or the cup from me, but to love me and help me through it, even though it may be expensive. In Matthew 16, we hear Jesus say, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." (v. 24). No where there does it say bearing the cross would be easy. No where in there does it say it would be comfortable. It's a part of following Christ. It's a part of loving one another. It's our role as disciples of Christ and sharing His love.
For love was really expensive- it cost God His only Son. That was the most expensive love of all. John 3:16.
On the way out he said something that made me smile:
"You're a good man. Don't you ever forget that or let anyone try and make you feel otherwise."
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
If You're Happy and You Know It....
I can't quite put my finger on it.
The past 2 and a half days I have been feeling superb!
Let me first start of by saying, I still am having intrusive, obsessive thoughts, but, my mood has improved tremendously and my willingness and eagerness to do things has taken a new spin and drive.
I am trying to figure out exactly what it was that has finally put me in a good mood- if it is the weather we are having, the new medication is taking a quick effect, if my relationship and fervent prayer with God did the trick, or what is the explanation.
Regardless, I don't really know what did it, but it feels great and I want it to last!!
A great friend sent me this in a message today and it meant a lot to me so I am going to share it because I think it is applicable:
You know how awesome the weather is right now? And it just completely rejuvenates you? And you're SO happy! And you know that it might snow again, and you might think that you're going to get frost bite again? But you're still happy that this weather is happening? And you know that in some time, the weather will always be like this??
That's how the analogy I am making to how you're feeling right now. It's AWESOME!!!! And it might get cold again, but it might not. But either way, Spring is coming! ...I hope that made sense :)
She is right- I don't know if this happy high is permanent. But it shows me that there is hope! The light of hope is growing to be really bright!
And although I am feeling much better, a hole of hurt still remains in my heart. I miss greatly a few friends who have grown weary of the depression and are not really speaking with me any more. I am still hurt that my illness caused that and they are taking it to such extremes. While the pain still eats away at me each day, I am hopeful that they will see me for who I really am, and not what the illness made me out to be, come to terms of forgiveness and we can pick up the pieces and move on. It's almost like I have the happiness/wellness puzzle figured out, but, one big piece is still missing. I don't know how soon these few people will hold their grudges. I respect their right to do what they want, but, that doesn't change how much it hurts me. I keep hope that they will come around sooner rather than later, and I pray about the situation fervently.
And I am sure there are other people walking around out there who are still placing me down on the rug of depression because of their notions about the illness and the effects it had on me. I just want everyone to know that it is not who I am. It brought trials in my life and brought me down, but that is not me.
I am going to continue to enjoy this sunshine while it lasts. I hope it's not going anywhere. And I hope it gets so bright that I need to get some sunglasses.
The past 2 and a half days I have been feeling superb!
Let me first start of by saying, I still am having intrusive, obsessive thoughts, but, my mood has improved tremendously and my willingness and eagerness to do things has taken a new spin and drive.
I am trying to figure out exactly what it was that has finally put me in a good mood- if it is the weather we are having, the new medication is taking a quick effect, if my relationship and fervent prayer with God did the trick, or what is the explanation.
Regardless, I don't really know what did it, but it feels great and I want it to last!!
A great friend sent me this in a message today and it meant a lot to me so I am going to share it because I think it is applicable:
You know how awesome the weather is right now? And it just completely rejuvenates you? And you're SO happy! And you know that it might snow again, and you might think that you're going to get frost bite again? But you're still happy that this weather is happening? And you know that in some time, the weather will always be like this??
That's how the analogy I am making to how you're feeling right now. It's AWESOME!!!! And it might get cold again, but it might not. But either way, Spring is coming! ...I hope that made sense :)
She is right- I don't know if this happy high is permanent. But it shows me that there is hope! The light of hope is growing to be really bright!
And although I am feeling much better, a hole of hurt still remains in my heart. I miss greatly a few friends who have grown weary of the depression and are not really speaking with me any more. I am still hurt that my illness caused that and they are taking it to such extremes. While the pain still eats away at me each day, I am hopeful that they will see me for who I really am, and not what the illness made me out to be, come to terms of forgiveness and we can pick up the pieces and move on. It's almost like I have the happiness/wellness puzzle figured out, but, one big piece is still missing. I don't know how soon these few people will hold their grudges. I respect their right to do what they want, but, that doesn't change how much it hurts me. I keep hope that they will come around sooner rather than later, and I pray about the situation fervently.
And I am sure there are other people walking around out there who are still placing me down on the rug of depression because of their notions about the illness and the effects it had on me. I just want everyone to know that it is not who I am. It brought trials in my life and brought me down, but that is not me.
I am going to continue to enjoy this sunshine while it lasts. I hope it's not going anywhere. And I hope it gets so bright that I need to get some sunglasses.
Monday, February 14, 2011
HAPPY Valentine's Day
Normally I am a Scrooge when it comes to Valentine's Day. And why would this year be of any difference, especially in light of what has been going on?
But, this year was definitely different. I felt loved and cared about and today for the most part was great.
I played in chapel today, and in my own way I felt good knowing that this hasn't robbed me of using my abilities to glorify God. The people's singing today sent chills down my spine- it was so beautiful. The last verse of the hymn went: Jesus, be endless praise to Thee, whose boundless mercy hath for me, for me, and all Thy hands have made, and everlasting ransom paid.
That was a great example of what love is really about- what Jesus did for us. And the sermon further extended that thought and reminded me of what love really is and what our call as Christians is.
While I know I see the examples of others' love and kindness every day, it was especially evident today as my mailbox was filled with cards, cookies, and candies, and even a pick up for a balloon arrangement.
My heart was so happy. If you are reading this and you sent me something, know that it means a lot to me and I thank you so much!!!
The day drew to a close with a wonderful dinner with a wonderful friend and fun math centers, math literacy, and 100th day activities in night class. And tons of treats to go along with it. Another positive reaffirmation that my passion is primary teaching. I'm still on a happy high.
So, there were no "Bah humbugs" muttered today. My heart was happy. I haven't felt this way in a long time. And I like it. And I hope it stays.
John 3:16
But, this year was definitely different. I felt loved and cared about and today for the most part was great.
I played in chapel today, and in my own way I felt good knowing that this hasn't robbed me of using my abilities to glorify God. The people's singing today sent chills down my spine- it was so beautiful. The last verse of the hymn went: Jesus, be endless praise to Thee, whose boundless mercy hath for me, for me, and all Thy hands have made, and everlasting ransom paid.
That was a great example of what love is really about- what Jesus did for us. And the sermon further extended that thought and reminded me of what love really is and what our call as Christians is.
While I know I see the examples of others' love and kindness every day, it was especially evident today as my mailbox was filled with cards, cookies, and candies, and even a pick up for a balloon arrangement.
My heart was so happy. If you are reading this and you sent me something, know that it means a lot to me and I thank you so much!!!
The day drew to a close with a wonderful dinner with a wonderful friend and fun math centers, math literacy, and 100th day activities in night class. And tons of treats to go along with it. Another positive reaffirmation that my passion is primary teaching. I'm still on a happy high.
So, there were no "Bah humbugs" muttered today. My heart was happy. I haven't felt this way in a long time. And I like it. And I hope it stays.
John 3:16
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Something I Needed To Hear
This came through in an e-mail from an older friend of mine...
Sometimes, it is not US, but other people who have problems, and shortcomings. You are very kind, very loving, trusting, have a heart that is so clean and pure, so caring and devoted! There are people that are not all of the above, and to such degree. You are an angel in the form of a Dylan. And that might be where the problem lies. That people aren't angels like you and you expect everyone to be an angel like you. However, there are still many, many people out there who love you for who you are. You are not lacking in that department. I love you!
Sometimes, it is not US, but other people who have problems, and shortcomings. You are very kind, very loving, trusting, have a heart that is so clean and pure, so caring and devoted! There are people that are not all of the above, and to such degree. You are an angel in the form of a Dylan. And that might be where the problem lies. That people aren't angels like you and you expect everyone to be an angel like you. However, there are still many, many people out there who love you for who you are. You are not lacking in that department. I love you!
Free at Last
The words of Martin Luther King Jr. are echoing in my head...
Free at last! Free at last!
I am happy to say, as of 12:00 AM on February 13, 2011, my chains are gone! I've been set free!!!
Let me explain what I mean by that. After a conversation last night, I realized that my illness has basically come to define who I am- it has taken complete control over my life. It has shackled me down in ugly chains. I was too weak, and Satan was too powerful for me to realize that my life was being defined by my illness.
And I always tried to break the chains, but, I was too weak. It was because I was trying to break the chains on my own.
As I said on Thursday, I repaired my relationship with God, and he has arrived and has given me the strength to break free from my chains.
Don't get me wrong- I still have the chemical imbalance, I still have the thoughts, I still have problems.
BUT- they are no longer defining who I am or taking me captive. I am no longer their prisoner, but a warrior against them. I am still weak- but in Christ, I am made strong, as 2 Corinthians 12:10...
That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Though I am weak, in Christ I am strong and have the power to be set free from these ugly chains.
The illness will no longer be the topic of my conversations. When people look at me, they will not see a depressed individual, but, one who is now strong enough to fight depression and overcome it.
I am officially a new person. Let me introduce myself. My name is Dylan. I have an illness, but it is no longer in front of me, but, beside me.
I am strong in Christ. I am strong enough to be happy and be my own person. There is only one person that I can control and make happy- and that person is myself.
And because I am God's child, I have a reason to be happy.
If I know you, let's start over. Forget the past. That was the old me, the "me" who let depression define my life and my decisions. And that is no longer me.
I don't even like looking back myself. I don't like to see that person who was controlling me. It was an ugly person. I will never let that person's lies run or ruin my life. I am new.
Now in Christ I'm a new creation.
Free at last! Free at last!
I am happy to say, as of 12:00 AM on February 13, 2011, my chains are gone! I've been set free!!!
Let me explain what I mean by that. After a conversation last night, I realized that my illness has basically come to define who I am- it has taken complete control over my life. It has shackled me down in ugly chains. I was too weak, and Satan was too powerful for me to realize that my life was being defined by my illness.
And I always tried to break the chains, but, I was too weak. It was because I was trying to break the chains on my own.
As I said on Thursday, I repaired my relationship with God, and he has arrived and has given me the strength to break free from my chains.
Don't get me wrong- I still have the chemical imbalance, I still have the thoughts, I still have problems.
BUT- they are no longer defining who I am or taking me captive. I am no longer their prisoner, but a warrior against them. I am still weak- but in Christ, I am made strong, as 2 Corinthians 12:10...
That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Though I am weak, in Christ I am strong and have the power to be set free from these ugly chains.
The illness will no longer be the topic of my conversations. When people look at me, they will not see a depressed individual, but, one who is now strong enough to fight depression and overcome it.
I am officially a new person. Let me introduce myself. My name is Dylan. I have an illness, but it is no longer in front of me, but, beside me.
I am strong in Christ. I am strong enough to be happy and be my own person. There is only one person that I can control and make happy- and that person is myself.
And because I am God's child, I have a reason to be happy.
If I know you, let's start over. Forget the past. That was the old me, the "me" who let depression define my life and my decisions. And that is no longer me.
I don't even like looking back myself. I don't like to see that person who was controlling me. It was an ugly person. I will never let that person's lies run or ruin my life. I am new.
Now in Christ I'm a new creation.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Baby Birdie
I was listening to a sermon late last night by Pastor Ken Klaus titled "Refusing Rescue"- it hit my heart. I want to share part of that message here because it meant so much:
Last Spring we had some sparrows build a nest in the joists of our deck. It was interesting to watch them make repeated trips... to see the vast array of materials they wove into the complex construction of their home. We made note of the eggs which were laid and when they hatched. And if we had been impressed by the couple's dedication in building a nest, that was apprentice work compared to the job of feeding four, small, continuously open mouths. All this we watched with growing enthusiasm, always waiting for the day when the little ones would take wing. Apparently there was someone else even more eager for flight than we were. One late afternoon I came home and found one of the birds on our patio. It was well-feathered, but unable to fly. Maybe he had been bold, maybe he had been bumped, I don't know. I do know he had left the nest too early. Looking at the fledgling and knowing the danger of staying in the open, my wife's heart went out and she said something like, "Oh, save the baby birdie."
Right. Well, the baby birdie couldn't fly, but it could hop. For about five minutes I looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, stooped over, trying to gently grab hold of 'baby birdie.' Well, I eventually managed to scoop baby birdie into my hands. Have you ever done that; held a baby bird in your hands? Do you remember the feeling? What do you recall? Me, what I remember more than anything else is the beating of that little heart. It shook that small body as it raced. I wondered how it could keep up that speed and I hurt for the small bird because it didn't understand I didn't mean it any harm... indeed, I was trying to save its life.
So many people I know are that way. They are surrounded by dangers, difficulties, problems, pains, depressions, angers, jealousies, prejudices, sins. All these things threaten to destroy them and there's not a whole lot they can do to stop them. But God knows and recognizes every one of these crosses of life, and because He cares, through His Son, through the power of the Spirit, He reaches down and picks us up. He holds us safely in His protective hands. But we, like that tiny bird, simply don't understand. We don't understand God means no harm, He's not going to hurt us. On the contrary, He does what He does to help us. Which is why, today I encourage you, not to be more afraid of God's hands in your life than you are of the dangers from which He is delivering you. Do not fight Him; do not struggle against Him.
Indeed, let Him give you a peace which goes beyond anything this world can give. Learn to say with your Savior: 'not as I will, but as You will." Join with the Christ in praying: "Thy will be done." And believe, no matter life's reverses; no matter the situation in which you find yourself, believe you will always be safe and secure in the hands of the Lord Who loves you. Today I invite you to trust the Lord. Do not stop the Holy Spirit from giving you that spiritual discernment which believes in God when He says "all things work together for good to those who love Him." Have confidence in Him when He says, "Call upon me in the day of trouble and I will deliver you." Trust Him when He says, "I am with you always."
That is so true- I am that little bird, my heart is beating, my wings are flapping, and even though I am being held in the hands of the one who made me, I am still afraid.
I don't have to write much more. Because I have finally realized whose hands I am in. Who is holding me through this. There's no need to doubt. No need to be confused. But to know that I am safe and being delivered from these troubles.
Last Spring we had some sparrows build a nest in the joists of our deck. It was interesting to watch them make repeated trips... to see the vast array of materials they wove into the complex construction of their home. We made note of the eggs which were laid and when they hatched. And if we had been impressed by the couple's dedication in building a nest, that was apprentice work compared to the job of feeding four, small, continuously open mouths. All this we watched with growing enthusiasm, always waiting for the day when the little ones would take wing. Apparently there was someone else even more eager for flight than we were. One late afternoon I came home and found one of the birds on our patio. It was well-feathered, but unable to fly. Maybe he had been bold, maybe he had been bumped, I don't know. I do know he had left the nest too early. Looking at the fledgling and knowing the danger of staying in the open, my wife's heart went out and she said something like, "Oh, save the baby birdie."
Right. Well, the baby birdie couldn't fly, but it could hop. For about five minutes I looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, stooped over, trying to gently grab hold of 'baby birdie.' Well, I eventually managed to scoop baby birdie into my hands. Have you ever done that; held a baby bird in your hands? Do you remember the feeling? What do you recall? Me, what I remember more than anything else is the beating of that little heart. It shook that small body as it raced. I wondered how it could keep up that speed and I hurt for the small bird because it didn't understand I didn't mean it any harm... indeed, I was trying to save its life.
So many people I know are that way. They are surrounded by dangers, difficulties, problems, pains, depressions, angers, jealousies, prejudices, sins. All these things threaten to destroy them and there's not a whole lot they can do to stop them. But God knows and recognizes every one of these crosses of life, and because He cares, through His Son, through the power of the Spirit, He reaches down and picks us up. He holds us safely in His protective hands. But we, like that tiny bird, simply don't understand. We don't understand God means no harm, He's not going to hurt us. On the contrary, He does what He does to help us. Which is why, today I encourage you, not to be more afraid of God's hands in your life than you are of the dangers from which He is delivering you. Do not fight Him; do not struggle against Him.
Indeed, let Him give you a peace which goes beyond anything this world can give. Learn to say with your Savior: 'not as I will, but as You will." Join with the Christ in praying: "Thy will be done." And believe, no matter life's reverses; no matter the situation in which you find yourself, believe you will always be safe and secure in the hands of the Lord Who loves you. Today I invite you to trust the Lord. Do not stop the Holy Spirit from giving you that spiritual discernment which believes in God when He says "all things work together for good to those who love Him." Have confidence in Him when He says, "Call upon me in the day of trouble and I will deliver you." Trust Him when He says, "I am with you always."
That is so true- I am that little bird, my heart is beating, my wings are flapping, and even though I am being held in the hands of the one who made me, I am still afraid.
I don't have to write much more. Because I have finally realized whose hands I am in. Who is holding me through this. There's no need to doubt. No need to be confused. But to know that I am safe and being delivered from these troubles.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Power and Pills
30 blue pills spilled across my carpet.
I stared at them. Felt them between my fingers.
Does the power to change my life start in these chemical compounds?
I put them all in my hand, rubbed them, and put them back in the bottle.
Sertraline. That's what it's labeled. Sertraline. Does the combination of chemicals in "sertraline" hold the power to bring me to the path of wellness?
Too many unknowns.
I've realized I've never explained the journey I've taken with medication. I started off on a small dose of Lexapro.
The amount of Lexapro wasn't doing anything. Lexapro (Escitalopram) is an SSRI. SSRI stands for selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. These allow the neurotransmitter of serotonin to be utilized more effectively. Serotonin is necessary to metabolize stress and hormones. When it's not being produced to its potential, depression and anxiety occur.
That wasn't enough. I couldn't get rid of my nausea, sleeplesness, and loss of appetite.
The drug Mirtazapine was added on. Mirtazapine is not an SSRI, but an atypical antidepressant. This drug works to balance the neurotransmitters norepinephine and dopamine.
That seemed to do the trick- at least with the side effects. The thoughts and feelings still stuck, sometimes even getting worse.
A message from the insurance company put a halt on me taking Lexapro. They tried to tell the Dr. what to do and refused to cover Lexapro, as something cheaper was not proven to be effective.
So I weaned myself off of the Lexapro and onto Citalopram.
Weeks passed and I noticed no difference. I expressed my concern to my doctor and she doubled the dosage.
Yesterday, I went in and expressed more concern. I am convinced it hasn't done anything, and never will. She listened to me. And now I have Sertraline.
Sertraline. What a beautiful word. I am praying that God uses it to work in me to bring me back to wholeness and completeness.
While the pills help, ultimately the power to heal comes from my Father, God, and only He can bring me through this. Pray that He does.
I stared at them. Felt them between my fingers.
Does the power to change my life start in these chemical compounds?
I put them all in my hand, rubbed them, and put them back in the bottle.
Sertraline. That's what it's labeled. Sertraline. Does the combination of chemicals in "sertraline" hold the power to bring me to the path of wellness?
Too many unknowns.
I've realized I've never explained the journey I've taken with medication. I started off on a small dose of Lexapro.
The amount of Lexapro wasn't doing anything. Lexapro (Escitalopram) is an SSRI. SSRI stands for selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. These allow the neurotransmitter of serotonin to be utilized more effectively. Serotonin is necessary to metabolize stress and hormones. When it's not being produced to its potential, depression and anxiety occur.
That wasn't enough. I couldn't get rid of my nausea, sleeplesness, and loss of appetite.
The drug Mirtazapine was added on. Mirtazapine is not an SSRI, but an atypical antidepressant. This drug works to balance the neurotransmitters norepinephine and dopamine.
That seemed to do the trick- at least with the side effects. The thoughts and feelings still stuck, sometimes even getting worse.
A message from the insurance company put a halt on me taking Lexapro. They tried to tell the Dr. what to do and refused to cover Lexapro, as something cheaper was not proven to be effective.
So I weaned myself off of the Lexapro and onto Citalopram.
Weeks passed and I noticed no difference. I expressed my concern to my doctor and she doubled the dosage.
Yesterday, I went in and expressed more concern. I am convinced it hasn't done anything, and never will. She listened to me. And now I have Sertraline.
Sertraline. What a beautiful word. I am praying that God uses it to work in me to bring me back to wholeness and completeness.
While the pills help, ultimately the power to heal comes from my Father, God, and only He can bring me through this. Pray that He does.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
A Breakthrough
The Holy Spirit is at work!!!!!!
This evening I was consumed with evil and unholiness. I was trapped. I called on my friend Carol, who showed up and we prayed long and fervently.
Carol pointed me to the cross. As I was voicing some of the voices racing through my head, she reminded me of something.
One of the main things the voices shout is, "You are worthless"- Carol reminded me that believing that is an insult to God.
It's an insult to God because then He sent His only Son to the cross for nothing. And that was not the case. I was worth something to Jesus Christ. I was worth every drop of blood that spilled from his beaten skin. I was worth it all.
To believe otherwise would be like saying, "Jesus, you died for nothing" and that I do not believe.
And for those of you who may feel discouraged and saying "I've told you that Dylan"- I know you have. And I thank you. And it meant something, believe me. But the way God spoke through Carol tonight was different.
For the first time in years, I have felt the presence of God. As we prayed and sang, I was consumed with the Holy Spirit. I felt empowered by the strength. I'm still too weak to break the chains, but I am getting stronger.
As we ended our prayer, we were talking about how God puts certain people in our lives at just the right time and in came another friend, Sloan, who had felt so strongly empowered by God to come in and pray over me. So she joined hands with Carol and I and prayed for the healing now and in God's time. Again, the Holy Spirit filled me.
Do not feel discouraged if you have been praying for me or encouraging me. Your work has in no way been in vain and don't you dare think otherwise.
Your prayers and encouragement have led up to this moment- this "breakthrough"- and I can't thank you enough. Don't give up, and please, come pray over me or with me. It is an amazing feeling and the Holy Spirit will consume you too.
While I am in no way completely healed, I feel like I have finally come to accept God's help. God has come to help His people. He will help me get through this.
More on medication tomorrow. I was just too excited about being consumed. God is amazing. God loves me. Nothing else matters.
This evening I was consumed with evil and unholiness. I was trapped. I called on my friend Carol, who showed up and we prayed long and fervently.
Carol pointed me to the cross. As I was voicing some of the voices racing through my head, she reminded me of something.
One of the main things the voices shout is, "You are worthless"- Carol reminded me that believing that is an insult to God.
It's an insult to God because then He sent His only Son to the cross for nothing. And that was not the case. I was worth something to Jesus Christ. I was worth every drop of blood that spilled from his beaten skin. I was worth it all.
To believe otherwise would be like saying, "Jesus, you died for nothing" and that I do not believe.
And for those of you who may feel discouraged and saying "I've told you that Dylan"- I know you have. And I thank you. And it meant something, believe me. But the way God spoke through Carol tonight was different.
For the first time in years, I have felt the presence of God. As we prayed and sang, I was consumed with the Holy Spirit. I felt empowered by the strength. I'm still too weak to break the chains, but I am getting stronger.
As we ended our prayer, we were talking about how God puts certain people in our lives at just the right time and in came another friend, Sloan, who had felt so strongly empowered by God to come in and pray over me. So she joined hands with Carol and I and prayed for the healing now and in God's time. Again, the Holy Spirit filled me.
Do not feel discouraged if you have been praying for me or encouraging me. Your work has in no way been in vain and don't you dare think otherwise.
Your prayers and encouragement have led up to this moment- this "breakthrough"- and I can't thank you enough. Don't give up, and please, come pray over me or with me. It is an amazing feeling and the Holy Spirit will consume you too.
While I am in no way completely healed, I feel like I have finally come to accept God's help. God has come to help His people. He will help me get through this.
More on medication tomorrow. I was just too excited about being consumed. God is amazing. God loves me. Nothing else matters.
You are More
I love this song by Tenth Avenue North. LOVE it. Because I am the little girl described.
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
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