Patience

Patience.

Part of me is expecting immediate relief and healing, as I referred to yesterday.

Why am I not feeling better? Why aren’t these medications working? It’s been eight weeks now. Come on. I am never going to get better. I am tired of feeling like this. There is no hope. I can’t go on another day like this. Why isn’t anyone listening to me? Why doesn’t anyone believe me that these medications aren’t working? What is it going to take? How much longer?

I scheduled a meeting with Dr. Elwell, a professor here, who is trained in clinical psychology. I expressed my concerns with her and told her that I was really frustrated with the way the medications seem not to be working and how frustrated I am with therapy, because it doesn’t seem to be working either.

I have to admit, I left her office saying “I feel so much better about everything!”

She explained to me in great detail, more than my therapist or psychiatrist have, the way that medications work and reassured me that it is not a primary concern that the medications I’m on haven’t worked the way I wanted them to.

I told her that I was expecting just to wake up one day and say “Wow! I feel like I’m finally over this!”, and that is not what is going to happen.

Rather, over time, I will begin to notice “I didn’t get mad, anxious, or upset about that, and I normally would have. I am improving!” And before long I will be able to begin to enjoy activities and things that I should and not have a constant feeling of sadness.

Part of it comes from my own ability and strength and the willpower to take control over the thoughts that dominate and take over my head the majority of the time, which is what the cognitive psychotherapy that I am undergoing will help with.

She also said that the reason why it’s taking so long is because I myself waited so long. As I’ve said before, it is a problem that I’ve been battling for years, and she used the analogy of a person with a sore throat.

If someone has a sore throat and says “I’m just going to hope it goes away,” and then it sticks around for days and they still say “I don’t need cough drops, it’s going to get better soon,” and even after it’s bothering them for two weeks they say “It’s really nothing, I don’t need to see a doctor,” and then 3-4 weeks later it is so severe they have to be hospitalized and realize that they were battling strep throat and it only got so bad because they ignored it, they are not going to be able to recover from it over night. It is a long healing process that they have to slowly recover from.

I’m the same way. Because I didn’t do something about this sooner, it got to be so out of control that now I have to be patient in waiting for it to heal.

She also said that it’s almost like an obese person- while they would want to lose weight over night and become slim with the snap of a finger, it takes work, time and patience. I am going to have to be patient. I am going to have to work for this. But I am confident I can do it.

I am confident I can do it with the help of God and with the help of others.

Please pray for me because at times I do feel like I cannot go on another day. Like I do not have the strength to overcome this. Like it is hopeless and will be around and a problem forever.

Romans 12:12 – “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”