Backwards and Forwards

Everyone seems to have a trend today, New Year's Eve.

They are either reflecting back on the great things that happened to them this last year, or, making resolutions for the new year ahead.

Not me.

I could write a post reflecting back on all of the things that happened this last year. But, I'm not going to. I'm not looking back. Please don't get me wrong- 2010 was full of a lot of great blessings and events. There are some things I will be forever grateful for. But it was also a year full of a lot of pain and hardship for me.

And, there's no need looking back on that. What is the sense of looking back and reliving all of those hard times, or even good times? They're in the past. The past is something that cannot be changed.  Isaiah 43: 18 tells us "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past." This year is a chapter in my life that will soon come to a close. And I'm ready for it. It's a chapter I'm going to chose to not look back upon. It's too hard.

After I realized I wasn't going to look back, I realized I was equally afraid to look forward. So I'm not going to do that either. Because one of the things I have learned through my journey is that there is no sense trying to plan far ahead or look forward. I have no idea what the future holds, and even if I try and make guesses, they could very well be wrong. 

2011 could be full of more pain, hardship, and disappointment. While I don't want it to be that way, I am not in control. God is. And if that's what He is going to allow to happen, I certainly am not going to be able to stop Him. So why worry about it?

2011 is up to God. Not me. The past is too hard to look back upon and the future is too unsure to look forward upon. So I'm not doing either. 

If I can't look back and I don't want to look forward, where do I look?

Right beside me and all around me.

When I look around me, I see the blessings I am showered with now. I am surrounded by loving and caring family and friends. I have far more blessings than I deserve. 

Right beside is Jesus Christ who has not yet abandoned me. Right with me is a God who loves me and who is looking after me. 

And I'm content with that. I do not know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. 

I have a plaque in my room that reads, "Don't let yesterday use up too much of today."- And I am certainly not going to let the events of 2010 use up any of 2011.

I just finished reading the book Same Kind of Different As Me by Ron Hall and Denver Moore. It is an amazing true story that I highly recommend to anyone. In the book, Denver states this: 

"There's somethin I learned when I was homeless. Our limitation is God's opportunity. When you get all the way to the end of your rope and there ain't nothin you can do, that's when God takes over."

A while ago, I reached the end of my rope. And God took over. And He's still in control. 

And I head into 2011 with that in mind.

Tears

Today was a tough day.

Today I said good-bye to a woman who was like a grandmother to me.

I've never been especially able to constrain any tears at funerals, and today was no exception. Only, it was harder to not cry today.

I kept telling myself, "You'll be okay, you are strong enough, you are not going to cry."

Sure enough, I did. But I realized eventually, there was nothing wrong with crying. There is nothing wrong about mourning. There is no need to be strong in these instances. Crying is the body's way of releasing sadness and making room for joy. Crying is the release of sad emotions.

I guess I've gotten so caught up in the messages the last few weeks that I am strong, so strong that I don't need to cry. But, those were other instances. I think my crying and release of grief today was totally healthy.

Because, no where does it say we need to be strong at a funeral. Christ is strong enough for all of us. Christ won so all our tears would be wiped away from our eyes in heaven.

Death is tough, and unavoidable, as I have learned. And it's one of the harder things people suffer in life. Crying over it is perfectly okay, as I realized. And I don't think I cried because the medicines or anything suddenly stopped taking effect, or because I lost my strength for a moment. I cried because at a funeral, and when we lose people we love, it's normal to cry.

After the funeral, I went to the luncheon and after I had finished eating, the son and daughter of the woman came up to my chair and after I offered my condolences, they said "You really meant a lot to our mother. She loved you and she loved your letters and had to share them with everyone when she got them. Thank you."  That made me cry to. Because I meant more to this woman than what I realized. And I could have written more letters, had I known they meant so much to her.

But I soon realized there's no looking back in this world. Only forward. And I look forward to seeing her again some day.

People Care

I'm not really sure how much my appearance has changed as things got worse.

I know I lost a significant amount of weight, but otherwise, I don't really know how I appeared to others.

It must have been "not normal." Whatever that may mean.

This past Sunday, my family was the greeters for church. I stood at the end of the line, and it amazed me how many people remarked,

"You look so much better than you did at Thanksgiving, Dylan."

I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that. I think I said "Thank you, I am getting better." Or something along those lines.

At any rate, these people barely saw me over Thanksgiving, and hadn't seen me since. And they noticed a difference in my appearance. If even they noticed I looked different, I wonder what people like classmates and friends thought I looked like seeing me every day.

The greeting experience made me realize something, too. That the voices inside my head that are saying "People don't care about you." Are totally false. Many, many people who came through into church on Sunday stopped and asked how I was feeling. And then would make the comment about my appearance being so much better, too.

Some knew a lot of details of the situation; others only knew very little. Some I knew very well; others were just people I knew as fellow members of my congregation. Either way, many asked. May cared enough to stop and inquire how I was doing.

So many, in fact, that the line coming into church became blocked up at times because people were talking so much to me.

What I guess my point is, I realize now that people really do sincerely care. And it means a lot to me. I felt so good coming out of church because all of the messages that this illness were telling me were totally smashed.

And I guess I am coming to be thankful for being a member of the community of believers- the body of Christ. Because people really do fulfill their roles in building one another up.

Anxiety, Part Two

I'm continuing with other struggles that the GAD has presented in my life.

I guess one of the major problems that GAD caused was my inability to sleep. As I mentioned before, I would lay in bed every night and think about everything that I could have changed in the day. When I found problems, I would lay awake all night and think about them. My sleep schedule was often limited to 3-6 hours of sleep a night. My body physically could not handle that little amount of rest and my immune system took hits constantly.

For instance, last May, I became sick with a severe bacterial infection at the end of the school year for several weeks. The doctors said I was prone to catching it because of my lack of rest. When I told the doctor I couldn't sleep, he simply said to watch my caffeine intake. Little did I know at that time I was suffering an anxiety disorder.

Those that have worked with my muscles (health professionals), and people who rubbed my back always remarked how tense my muscles were. That is another thing I suffered- I was in a constant state of tension and I could not relax. That took a toll on my body as well.

I also (and still admittedly am) in a constant state of tension and for those who know me, I am very, VERY easily startled. The simplest things startle me. That is something I may never get over, but this has caused me to be extremely jumpy and continuously on edge.

Only recently, the anxiety caused a lot of nausea. I woke up every morning nauseated (no longer do I), and I would become nauseated at random times. Those problems are now under control as well.

I also developed a stomach ulcer and I get severe heartburn and indigestion problems. That is another problem that only developed recently.

I'm not sure why I listed off all of my physical ailments. I guess I did it for personal reasons, because I feel so much better "letting them go" if you will. I know it's certainly not the most interesting reading material, but I'm trying to use this to get rid of everything. I know it won't correct any problems, but it helps me cope with them. If that makes any sense at all?

Looking at all of the things listed above and in my previous post, it is a lot to take in for me- I've got a lot of problems, and with the depression, it is rough. I'm facing a really tough battle. And not many people would ever guess that any of this was going on simply by my outward appearance. 

I'm really hoping that this doesn't make it seem like I'm feeling sorry for myself. Because that is not it at all. I still myself am trying to make sense of everything and try and steer my life in the right direction.

I'm not looking for sympathy or compassion from others, either. I'm just looking for people to be understanding, I guess... For people to keep in mind that I do have a continuous struggle. And when I don't act like you expect me too, it's because I have an illness.

I do know that I am a child of God, and God designed me to be this wonderful creation. And right now this creation of His is undergoing some rough times. But God only knows how to give good things. So it's a good thing, in His eyes. Even though it's not in my eyes. Perhaps some day it will be...

For now, I'm going to keep fighting, as I've said before. Because I'm stronger than ever. And there's no looking back. Only forward.

Anxiety, Part One

I've sort of neglected writing about the GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) component of my illness.

There's a lot to it, I guess. And I'm sort of ashamed in a way about things.

Growing up, as early as Kindergarten, I suffered severe migraine headaches. They were so severe that I got really sick along with them. They came often when I got really excited about things. In fact, I never got to go along on a class field trip until second grade. Every time a field trip was happening, I had to miss out because I made myself sick because of anxiety.

I missed other things, like the Thanksgiving pageant at Kindergarten, the fire truck rides, the circus field trip, etc. I would get so anxious I would get a migraine headache and soon after begin vomiting. It was hard on me and unfair that I missed out on everything because of something I had no control over.

While I didn't get anxious about field trips so much when second grade rolled around, I still suffered migraines because of anxiety. It was in fifth grade that I sought medical help. The doctor didn't diagnose me with GAD, but gave me medicines for my migraines. Of course, they came, and I took the pills only after it was too late.

Fortunately, after middle school, I "outgrew" the migraines and my anxiety took different forms. I so much regret not seeking medical attention for my anxiety. It has always been there haunting me.

I haven't had a migraine for a while now, but, I can still get sick.

Now I have anxiety attacks, which are different from panic attacks. I just become extremely uncomfortable under certain circumstances and I want to scream. I start to sweat and shake. I am still entirely conscious of the situation. Most of the time, when I am experiencing them people can't even tell. I just become really quiet, or remove myself from the situation. I've had these for a long time.

And again, I've chosen to ignore them and just tell myself to get over it.

I guess I've also been living in a state of constant worry over EVERYTHING. I worry day and night about too much. When I laid down in bed at night, I would have a rewind of the day. And I would think about what I said in different circumstances and what I did wrong and what I should have done.

I would just become obsessed over things I had absolutely no control over and that was all I could think about. I can't remember ever feeling relaxed or at ease. Well, not before recently.

I also used to be obsessed with time and being early. I was always looking at the clock and I had a constant fear of being late and even on time was not good enough. All throughout childhood, I've had to be really, really early to everything.

And I think ignoring it, as I've said in earlier posts, is what brought me to my downfall and breakdown. And I know we can't look back, we can only look forward, but I still regret waiting to get help. And waiting until things got so bad that there was nothing I could do anymore.

Thankfully, because of ongoing therapy, many of the above symptoms are now under more control and getting much better. I finally can feel relaxed and not obsess over so many uncontrollable things anymore.

I realize now that it is a serious illness and I am so thankful that I am on medications now that are working to help me get over this illness I've been suffering from for too long now.

It's about time I got help.

Oh, I should also mention that much of the above information are things I have never shared with anyone. I'm ready now. It's part of my healing process. I'm glad I can share them with you, (whoever you may be), the reader.

I'm not quite done "purging" about the GAD, so another post will come.

Enough To Share

Christmas was different this year.

Not because of any snowfall, gift I received, church service I attended, or any TV special I may have missed that I usually tune in to.

No, Christmas was different because of my depression.

Normally, at Christmas time, my heart is filled with overwhelming happiness and joy. Not this year. At least, it didn't automatically happen that way.

I had to search down and fight off the messages and unhappiness the depression was presenting with them with. It wasn't easy, but, I did that.

And I'm proud of myself. For being stronger. For not letting this physical illness limit the joy I was able to exude.

I'm happy to say, that I was, and still am, happier than I've been in the last few weeks. You see, when Christmas Eve struck, I used all of my strength to turn the negative inside me into something positive and joyful. Peaceful.

I allowed Christ's joy and peace to fill my heart, so much, in fact, that it was overflowing. Overflowing so much, that I had enough to share with others.  I still do, as a matter of fact. Please visit with me.

And I thought to myself, "If I can do that for two days- why can't I do this for longer?" And so I am. I partially credit my medications, but I also credit myself. For being stronger. For not allowing the feelings of loneliness, unhapiness, hopelessness, and worthlessness get the best of me. For pushing them out of the way and allowing stronger feelings to step in.

It felt great. And I am still on track. It hasn't been easy, but, I'm managing. And I hope each day it will only get easier. Please pray that it does.

Christmas was wonderful. Because God enabled it to be. By providing me with medication, and strength, to overcome my illness. And I know He will continue to do that.

I've got a heart full of peace and joy. And I have enough to share. 

God's Gift

I've been doing some reading this break.

Last Christmas, I bought the book The Purpose of Christmas by Rick Warren. I read it last year, but I've been reading it again. This paragraph struck me today:

The name Jesus actually means "God saves." Right now, Jesus says this to you: "I can replace the frustration in your heart with peace. I can replace your guilt and shame with forgiveness. I can replace your worry and anxiety with confidence. I can replace your depression with real hope. I can fill your emptiness with meaning and purpose. If you'll trust me completely, I can replace your confusion with clarity. But I'm not going to break down the door of your heart. You've got to invite me in." Aren't you ready to do that?


Woah! That's pretty much all I've been experiencing wrapped up in one paragraph- these past few months -years- I've been experiencing so much frustration with myself; so much shame about my illness; too much anxiety- so much that I have GAD; too much depression- so much that I have severe depression- and I have felt totally empty throughout all of it.

And Jesus has a cure for all of it?! I then thought for a while, if Jesus really had a cure for all that I've been going through, why am I still suffering?

And then I realized, it's because God is trying to show me that I need Him and I need not rely on myself. Only He can fix the problem- and use other people and resources on this earth to work through.

How comforting to know that God is sending me a gift this Christmas.

His Son.

And with His Son, I'm going to find peace. I need that peace so much right now. There's a storm brewing inside me and I have constant terror. I need Christ's peace to surround my heart and wrap me up as if I am a gift.

I'm going to find confidence. When my anxiety overwhelms me- which it will- I'm going to be confident with Christ behind me, knowing that I am stronger than all of this. If there is one term I have heard over and over again from others throughout this journey, it's "You're stronger." And I realize, that because of that small baby born in Bethlehem, I am stronger than any physical ailment that has control over my mind right now. I AM STRONGER.

I'm going to find real hope. That's exactly what I need. Because depression has left me feeling totally hopeless and helpless. And it's the worst feeling I could ever experience. But with Christ, I have hope. I have hope to wake up each day and be filled with joy.

I'm going to find meaning and purpose- perhaps this journey is changing me into something or someone that can help others. I don't know. But God does. And that's all that matters.

This Christmas, God is giving me the best gift I could ever ask for- healing.

To: Dylan From: God
Inside- a baby in a manger.
Who can bring me exactly what I need this Christmas.

A Learning Curve

A good friend sent me a Facebook message today and she shared with me something that was shared with her. This is how the message ended: 


What is sure is that even if our learning curve on this front is long and steep, Jesus is ever at our side and is ever on our side, for he is, as we say this time of year, Immanuel, God with us, God with Dylan.


I never thought of this journey as a "Learning curve" before... but how true is that? 


I reflected on those words and I looked back on this journey, yes, I've learned a lot. This learning curve has really "bent my thinking" if you will, and I am viewing life in a completely different way than I have before.


What have I learned?


That God is a Healer. Health is a gift from God, and often we just expect it to be perfect. But He doesn't promise that. In our times of need, He gives us what we need. And He heals in His time, not ours. 


That God places special people in our lives to fulfill their vocations- as professionals, as family members, and as friends. Each person came into this world with God's design in mind. He places them where He needs them to do His work. And the Holy Spirit leads them to fulfill what they have been called to do.


That I am blessed beyond belief. Although the road right now is rough, I am still showered with far more blessings than what I deserve.


That God answers prayer. In His time, not ours. He wants to hear from us. He wants to be there when we need Him.


That the things here on earth can't give us the fulfillment we need. Only God can provide total nourishment and fulfillment that we desire. He does that through His Word and the Sacraments.


... And the list could go on. But, I have learned so much about myself, and others, and my relationship with God throughout all this.


And He has not ever left my side during this journey. Ever.


Emmanuel, God with us. God with Dylan.


God with (your name goes here).


Even me. Even you.

River

I heard this song today and I found at least the first part of the lyrics, the part I posted below, to somewhat describe how I have been feeling. The latter half of the song talks about a love story, which is entirely not the case for me. But, at least the first part of the lyrics were meaningful to me...


It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But it don't snow here
It stays pretty green
I'm going to make a lot of money
Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on


I'm not really sure what it is about these lyrics that seems so meaningful to me right now.


Christmas has always been my favorite time of year, hands down. But this year has been different. I've sort of had a "Bah humbug" mentality about everything. I haven't bought many gifts. I completely missed all of midweek advent services, which I normally make a special point to attend.


And it hasn't even felt like Christmas. And now the time of year I am supposed to enjoy the most is quickly slipping away. And within a few days it will be just a memory. 


And it feels like the illness has robbed me of yet another joy in life. 


Yes, I've been able to attend some things, I have already gone to a few Christmas get togethers, but I really didn't enjoy myself. 


Maybe the thing about these lyrics that is so true for me is that I am looking for a river- a river I can get away on and one that I hope will lead me to find the joy and comfort I am so much longing for during these trying times. 


I want to teach my feet to fly- fly somewhere I can find total happiness and contentment. Because right now I can't find it anywhere I look. At least, here on earth.


I know the reason we celebrate Christmas is to celebrate Christ's birth. And I guess one place I haven't looked yet is to the manger.


And I guess that is the place I can find what I am looking for.


Because many years ago, that baby, born in Bethlehem, brought the ultimate joy, happiness, and peace that the world was looking for. 


I know that new born baby can bring me the joy and fulfillment that my heart is yearning for right now.


I wish I had a river, I could skate away on, that will lead me to the manger this Christmas.


And I want that baby to wrap my heart with what I need right now- love. Hope. Joy. Peace. 

Hills

I feel as though I'm on hills.

At least, I feel as though my mood goes on hills.

For a while there, I was a flatline- completely low and hopeless.

And now that I've been through quite a bit of therapy and the medications are doing their job, I'm no longer on a flatline- I'm starting to see some uphill progress.

But, although I go uphill, I often end up going right back downhill to a low.

It's frustrating.

I want to feel good- I want to feel up on top of the hills all the time, happy, joyful, and excited about each day.

But, my illness prevents that.

Actually, life prevents that. Nobody will ever live a perfect life happy up on a mountaintop. That's just the way it goes. God never promised He was going to bless us with complete happiness and prosperity.

Because sin is in the world, we will have our low times- where we're downhill and feeling low.

Right now, I'm just feeling low more than I should.

However, lately, I've been more up than I've ever been. And it's exciting. Because there's this strange feeling that I am getting better. I am getting stronger to face each day and to be strong enough not to fall downhill.

I will have more downhills than other people. I just need the courage and strength to crawl out and get back uphill where I belong.

I hope this all makes sense. I want to feel uphill and good about life. I want that more than anything. My mind just doesn't allow it. I keep praying for strength and courage to face each day.

And you know what? God grants it. He gives me what I need to face each day. Sometimes I don't feel like I have it. But I do. I am getting stronger.

I'm going to walk away from this a strong individual. While I will face it the rest of my life, I won't let it control me. I won't. I am stronger than that.

I am strong enough to be up on the mountaintop.

I am strong enough to pull myself from the lows.

That's what I'm going to keep telling myself.

Words of Wisdom

"This, too, soon shall pass."

I was privileged yesterday to have a brief visit with a member of our congregation.

I hurriedly went to the church to run through a few things before a Christmas get together, and as I started a woman from the congregation came in to change out some of the flower planters. I practiced while she worked up some new arrangements.

When she was done she came and leaned up on the organ console and said "How are you really doing?"

I shared some things about my condition with her. And in turn, she shared some things with me. Some things I would have never guessed about her. How she lived for years with a raging alcoholic.

As tears filled her eyes, she shared with me, that every time she was feeling low and wondering if things could get any worse, she had two sayings she told herself:

"This, too, soon shall pass."
"Let go and let God."

She left, but she left behind those words, which danced around my mind all afternoon.

"This, too, soon shall pass."

I know, that because of God's promises, that statement is true! While I know I will battle depression the rest of my life, I know that this low that I am currently in, will eventually pass... and I know it will be soon. I am confident God is a Healer, who heals in His time.

Which is another thing that comes to mind- how today's church service seemed to just speak to me. The sermon was titled "The Lord comes through"- How God sticks to His promises, and always comes through- He promised a Savior, and the Savior came. God doesn't promise us that we will be healed or have good health for all eternity. But He does promise that He loves us and He is working for our good.

And then, during the offering, a soloist sang "At The Right Time", which stressed the point that God sent His Son to be born at the right time- the best time.

And I know that I will be healed at the right time- the best time. God's going to come through. This, too, soon shall pass.

Heroes

Some people have a hero.

While I've never considered having one before, and while no one has really "saved" me from the illness I have, I do have some people that I consider heroes who have helped me tremendously throughout this journey. I'd like to share a little bit about each.

The first would have to be my counselor, Dina. She has always made accommodations to see me when I needed it most. She is the one I first turned to when I was feeling down. Every time I leave her office, I feel at peace and comfortable about things. She always manages to bring a little bit of light into the situation and I always know after I leave her office that there is hope.

My psychiatrist, Dr. Danielle Buda, (if you'd like to read about her, here is a link- http://www.bryanlghheartlandpsychiatry.com/index_content.html ) is another hero that comes to mind. I was very nervous when I first visited her office, but she made me feel so at peace, and I know it is her job to listen, but she just completely understood everything I was going through. I've heard stories about some psychiatrists who just say "You're fine" and let the person go. She displayed a genuine sense of compassion and concern and I felt so comfortable talking to her. I know she is doing everything in her power to see me get better, while she could simply just prescribe a pill and go on with the next patient. She is going beyond that.

Another is Professor Oliver. She's been a great role model and listener for me. Many times I've just walked into her office and unloaded all of my problems to her, and she has always dropped what she was doing to listen and offer a helping hand. She has so much wisdom and insight to offer from things she's been through in her life. I know when I need someone to talk to or help about something, I can turn to her.

Some people with depression need that one friend who they can count on for anything. I've been blessed with a friend like that- Andrew has helped me fight this battle and gone above and beyond in his role as a friend. I can't thank him enough for always being willing to be there to lend a hand and being there to listen and offer as much support as he knows how. I couldn't have asked for a better friend to help me through everything - and he has not given up on me, which I know has not been easy at times. I also cannot fail to mention other friends definitely are heroes too, they have been there as well and gone above and beyond to help me out and offer support and encouragement.

I also can't forget about the most important hero in my life, Jesus. At times, when everyone in the world seems to have shut me out, there sits my Bible. I can open it up and find exactly what I need- strength from God's Word and His promises. And I am reminded every day that I am a saved, redeemed Child of God. I have the marking of the cross on my forehead that reminds me God called me His- I am a damaged mess right now, but He still wraps His arms around me and covers me with His grace. He loves even a miserable, sick, person like me. And sometimes that's a little overwhelming for me.

I thank God every day for putting these heroes in my life and blessing me with their presence. Throughout this illness, I've learned He hasn't been giving me what I want. He's been giving me what I need- and what I needed were people like this.

Loneliness

I have never felt so alone.

Although I am surrounded by caring friends, compassionate family members, and concerned professors and staff members, I still feel so alone.

I'm not alone, though. Which is why some people reading this may think, "You're not alone, you're not going to be alone, so get over that feeling and move on."

I wish it was that easy.

Because even though I am surrounded by so many wonderful people, I am the only one that really understands how I feel. Someone reminded me yesterday that I am definitely not alone, as there are over 12 million other Americans out there suffering with depression. So I'm not alone.

But it still feels that way. And at times it feels that everyone else is against me.

And I have no control over that. And that's what makes things so hard.

I will get the opportunity here in the coming weeks to help someone else in my community who is suffering from depression. I just found out about that today. That makes me feel a little bit better.

Because I will get to communicate with someone else battling this terrible illness. And maybe that will help my feeling of loneliness.

If you're reading this and you communicate with me regularly, it never helps to remind me that you're there for me. Because every time I hear things like that, and reaffirming comments, it makes the clouds of loneliness go away.

At least, for a little while.

And sometimes when I feel super lonely, I turn to Scripture, where I am reminded that no matter where I go or what I do, I'm not alone.

Because God is there with me. And He's not going anywhere.

For Jesus said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

So even though I feel like I've been abandoned, I know that God is there. And wants to talk.

No More Good Byes

I've never liked saying "Good-byes."

Something about those two words makes things seem so final and over with.

Yes, I've had to say "Good-bye" to people for long term, so it was final and over with.

But, there are still "Good-byes" that must be said to people who I won't see in a few weeks, or, as I experienced yesterday, for over eight months. And it's tough.

I don't like missing connections with people- I don't like not having people just a stone's throw away from me. I would rather everyone I love and care about be right around me.

But, reality is, life is full of good-byes. Things change. Life goes on.

And, I must leave my "family" here on campus to be with my family at home- but shortly, I'll have to say good-bye to my family too to come back here. It's a cycle of good-byes that's unavoidable. It's life.

One thing I've learned about depression is that "Good-byes" are harder on me than they were. Something about them just eats away at me, and it just seems so much sadder than it is. It's this feeling that eats away at the positives and reaffirmations that I'll see the people again.

I'm hoping in time they'll be easier- While I'll probably never like saying "Good-bye" the rest of my life, I hope in time it becomes not so hard on me, putting me into this feeling. I understand that it's okay for me to feel sad when it's time to say good-bye. Because good-byes are sad. And I don't like them.

I am not sure which song it is, but there lyrics go "In Christ, there are no Good-byes"- and although the song is referencing death and letting go of someone; I think it holds true here on earth too. Because of Christ, we have a connection with each other. His love is able to keep us strong and hold us up in our rough times.

I think a better term to use is "See you later"- it seems so much less "final" - and though there may be uncertainty about the exact date or time you may see the person, you are certain that you will see them again. And if not here on earth, definitely in heaven. And that is certain.

Good-bye has never made sense to me anyway. What's good about good-bye? Other than it was good that you cherished the time you had together.

So the next time you see me, I will probably say "See you later"- because I know I will, eventually.

A Reason To Smile

Everyone has bad days.

Everyone has those days where it seems like everything goes wrong, and the thought at the front of  the brain is "It couldn't get much worse than this."

And most people deal with it at the end of the day, are able to rest up and face the next day, hoping it will be a little better.

It's a little bit different for me with depression.

Those bad days make what I'm going through even worse. I had a stream of so many things go wrong within the last 24 hours, I had a meltdown because I felt so helpless.

And after visiting with the counselor, she made me realize that all of the things that seemed so wrong and so insurmountable were really not that big of a deal.

The depression just made everything seem so significant and so horrible, and when they were all piled up together it seemed so overwhelming.

And now, I could type everything out that went wrong. But I'm not going to. Because, for one, I'm done dealing with it and dwelling on it; and for two, if another person read through it they might think they were petty things.

But I'm not at an emotional point now to make them seem so insignificant. Someone else has to "slap me across the face" and make me realize that things aren't such a big deal.

And even when the medicine takes full effect and I am able to control my emotions a bit better, it's not as if I'm never going to have a bad day again. They'll come, of course.

I'll just be stronger, and have the strength to realize that things do go wrong, and it doesn't do any good to get upset over it.

Right now I don't have much of a choice, it seems, whether or not I can be happy. But, after talking with a Pastor here, I realize that Christ has given me enough to be happy for. I have a reason to smile- because I'm forgiven. It's not about whether or not I have a good day or a bad day, whether things to right or wrong, whether things go exactly as I had imagined them.

It's about being a Child of God and rejoicing daily in His promises.

Even though it was a bad day, it ended very well. And two of my followers have pointed out that I stopped ending my posts with positives. I conquered my one and only final today- and it was so easy! I walked on a ton of ice without falling; I enjoyed an evening with two great friends.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up. And I'll have a smile on my face.

Thoughts, Voices, Memories

I have different thoughts, images, and messages that go through my head and cause different things, and for a while it was hard for me to sort everything out and distinguish the difference between each.

Now that I have a better understanding of the differences, I'm going to share some of them.

The worst thoughts I have are what the psychiatrist calls intrusive thoughts. These are images, pictures, that seem so real that I can't distinguish them from reality at hand. These are what initially caused my panic attacks. They are images like me being falling over, and a crowd sees it happen, but they all look at me and walk away, and I lay there helpless. They are so vivid, so real that it feels like I am in two different places- the place I am actually in, and the place I see myself.

In a sense, it feels as though I have separated myself from my physical body. It's so strange, and so hard to describe that it kind of makes me uneasy to write about it. I have learned enough coping skills and statements that when these randomly happen without any trigger, I can handle them without going into a panic attack.

Another thing I am fighting is self-talk, also sometimes I refer to it as "the voices"- I hear these voices inside my head, telling me things like "You're worthless" "You're a failure" "He hates you." "They don't care about you." They were very, very strong at one point, so strong, in fact, that it altered my ability to concentrate.

They are still there, and they are constantly "tormenting" me, trying to convince me that I am purposeless and a failure and that no one cares about me. They are also hard to describe as well. Unlike the intrusive thoughts, they are constantly there, sometimes stronger than others.

At one point a few weeks back, as my way of trying to cope with them, I began vocalizing them and repeating them as I heard them. They were so overwhelming mentally and emotionally that I tried to vocalize them as a way of releasing them. It didn't really work.

Now, they still get me down and feeling bad, but the medication is doing its job and they are becoming less strong, and I am learning to deal with them and be stronger than them.

Another thing I have is simply known as memories- and everyone has these. These do have triggers. When I simply see someone, smell something, hear something, etc. I can get a memory of something bad that has happened associated with that sound, smell, sight, etc.  And with my depression, I have a loss of control over my emotions in a sense, so I'm not always able to brush them off of my shoulder.

Sometimes when a bad memory is triggered, I just cry. Other times I get upset and fall into the ultimate low depressed state. It was also memories last week that were causing me to vomit impulsively and ultimately which caused me to have the self-injurious thoughts.

Thankfully, I am also learning to control my emotions and not let the memories make me lose control.

I should also point out that I do have good memories as well, which can brighten my spirits and make me happier.

As I sort through this, it's always nice to look back and see how things like the intrusive thoughts once had such a strong effect on me, and how now, I am getting better, and I am stronger than them.

God is ultimately a Healer who is working for our good.

I can only hope that one day I come to complete terms and understanding of that last statement.

Hopeless To Hopeful

I'm going to write about a rather somber topic today. Thoughts of death.

At one point during this journey, I was having them.

Now, before you get anxious, I would like to start off by saying that I never contemplated suicide. I think my faith prevented that. However, I could easy see why depression could make someone with a weak or no faith contemplate and act on suicide.

I had thoughts of death about 6 weeks ago for about 2 weeks straight.

What I mean by that is, when I would be feeling the ultimate low, laying on my floor sobbing, I would pray to God to take me right then and there.

I prayed very frequently that God would end my life. I sat up for hours at night and begged God to just take me so I wouldn't have to feel like this anymore.

Because, the depression had me feeling entirely hopeless and helpless and at a loss for what to do.

I've said before that it's hard to describe the way it makes you feel, but, it is a very rough feeling. It's worse than feeling ill. And it got to a point that I couldn't take it anymore.

Because, when you look into the future, and it seems bleak and hopeless, why would I have wanted to go on feeling the way I did? Constantly sad, dazed, and confused?

I told my counselor about my feelings and she said they were normal with depression. She was just afraid of them escalating to suicide.

It just amazes me that a chemical imbalance in a brain can make someone feel so helpless and hopeless.

I am relieved to say that the feelings eventually subsided- at least, the thoughts of death then. What really helped me was speaking to a theology professor and another pastor here. Because they both asked me if I had anything to look forward to- getting married, having a career, having children some day.

And the answer was yes. And they both said "Then why do you want it to be over now?"

They were a glisten of hope for me. And it made me realize that at this point, I didn't want to die, but I wanted help. Help from God.

And it made me realize how much I need to rely on God, and how my times are in His hands and not my own.

God is ultimately stronger and the provider of the strength to get through this. And while I certainly feel similar to the ways that I did a few weeks ago, I have become stronger and completely ruled out death as an option. Because, my life is worth living, despite my illness.

There is so much I have yet left to do, and realizing that has made me hopeful.

I am confident I will someday completely smash this illness to pieces. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy life the way it is and the way God has designed it for me to be.

Panic

After dealing with a rather tough last few nights, I thought I was stuck with nothing to write about.

Because nobody wants to hear about how miserable I've been.

Rather, instead, I'm going to write about panic attacks. I had to deal with about one a day for two weeks straight about seven weeks ago.

They were caused by my anxiety disorder, and I have them under control for the most part now.

They are, by far, the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced. Imagine yourself being chased by a man you don't know dressed in black, him holding a knife saying he was going to kill you. Multiply that fear and intensity by about ten and that's the intensity of a panic attack.

The very first time I had one I was alone, and I thought I was going to die.

A mental image came about, it was all white, and I was deserted by anyone that cared about me. I was all alone. And that's what set it off. The vision was so real, that I couldn't distinguish it between that and reality. I don't know that I would be able to if it were to happen now. It seems so real and so vivid.

That caused my heart to race, me to begin to hyperventilate, my hands and face became numb, and I had hand and leg tremors.

While I didn't really have any visions of drowning, I would compare the feeling to being underwater, you're about 50 feet below the surface, and you lose breath, and you keep swimming to the top, knowing you're not ever going to make it before you run out of air.

It really, really felt like I was dying. And it was terrifying.

And I think it was terrifying for those who were trying to help me. So much that it became exhausting for them. And when people were helping, I could hear them, feel their touch, and know they were there. But I still had trouble distinguishing between them and reality.

Thankfully, I have them under somewhat control now. I recognized what was triggering them, and I've learned to avoid that, and when it's not possible to avoid it, I use my coping phrases and skills to try and prevent it from happening.

I still do have anxiety attacks, which I will post about in the future.

It's not to say that I'll never have an attack again- but I do have more control now. And the medicines I've been taking have also made me more relaxed and able to take things in rather than getting worked up and overwhelmed by them.

If you were one of those people who either helped me through a panic attack or had to witness it, I can't imagine what you must have been feeling, but, please know that it meant a lot to me that you had the courage and patience to help me through it.

And if some day you are reading this and I don't know you, and you are having attacks yourself, I encourage you to seek help. They are terrifying and exhausting and the more control you have, the less likely they will occur.

Also, know that God gives you the strength to fight past it, and in my opinion, He was using the attacks to build me up to be a stronger individual. Because it feels like I've faced a lot of bad stuff and feelings now, and I know I was strong enough to get past it.

And I know I am strong enough to get past the depression and anxiety disorder. God will see me through it, upholding me with His righteous and mighty hand.

Honest Answers

"How are you feeling?"

That's a question I've been getting a lot lately. And I find it extremely hard to answer. Because I don't think anyone wants the full answer. So my answers vary... 

"I'm alright."

"Pretty good."

"I'm doing better."

They seem to satisfy the inquirer, but, they're not by any means honest. You want to know how I've been feeling?

It's hard to put into words, but it almost feels like the sky is falling, and has left me in a pile of rubble, and I don't have the strength to push the stuff off me, and pull myself out from underneath everything that has been dumped on me. I know it sounds strange, but that's the best I can do. 

It's a feeling of the ultimate low- I've never felt anything like it before, so I don't have any standard of comparison. Yes, I've experienced pain before; yes, I've experienced rejection before; yes, I've experienced failure before; yes, I've lost a loved one before; yes, I've been sad before.

But none of those feelings compare to how I've felt lately. It's almost like the way I'm feeling is an "All of the above" answer. And it's hard to go about life when you're feeling an overwhelming feeling of being helpless, hopeless, and ultimately very, very sad. And I'm trying not to be a "Debbie Downer" and raining on everyone else's days, but, it's also very hard to put on a fake smile and go about my day as nothing is wrong.

Although, in reality, nothing is wrong; the depression just makes it seem like there is.

I have a tremendous hope that as soon as the medicines really, really begin working, this feeling will be lifted from me. Granted, they won't turn me into a "Happy Zombie" who will never be sad again- I will be able to feel proper emotions- sad at sad times, etc. But, they hopefully will eliminate this helpless feeling of pain on me. 

For now, it's something I've learned to deal with and learned that I am stronger than that feeling. And it's no strength of my own. Only God has provided that strength. It's seemed as though He hasn't at times, but now that I look back, He has always been there, carrying me through this.

And that's comforting.

Because, whenever I come out of this- or at least feeling better- and I experience trials in the future, I will have this experience to look back on and remember how God did provide in this hard time.

It has been a hard time. I know I've said this to a lot of people- not that I would ever wish these feelings upon anyone because I know how hard they are, I wish my friends could step into my shoes for just five or ten minutes, to get an idea of just how I am feeling, since it is so hard to describe.

In the meantime, I'll keep smiling. When you pass me on the sidewalk and ask how I'm doing, I may smile and say "I'm doing great!" - but remember, there is a battle going on inside of me. And I hope one day can answer confidently and honestly.

But for now, I'll keep fighting. I'll keep smiling.

Something's Not Right

Someone asked me today, "How did you know you had depression?"

I didn't really "know" it- I knew something was wrong, but my counselor had to tell me that it was depression.

I realize now that it's something I've had for quite a few years- I realized the feelings I was having were not "normal"- no normal human being, especially someone like me who enjoys socializing and being among people, would want to be secluded from society on purpose for long periods of time. Granted, things weren't quite as severe years ago as they had been recently, but I was definitely suffering.

The urge to withdraw myself constantly was my first major red flag. I also noticed a major difference in my appetite- I could only eat about less than half at a meal of what I was used to. I also noticed the following symptoms now that they've been pointed out:
-I was really irritable and angry a lot of the time.
-I wasn't enjoying things I once did.
-I was beginning to feel hopeless and helpless.
-It took me almost 2 hours to fall asleep at night, and then I would wake up for long periods after falling asleep- I was averaging less than 4 hours of sleep per night.

And as things became more severe in the last eight weeks, these symptoms began happening:
-I completely lost my appetite at times.
-I lost a lot of weight (13 pounds as of a few days ago)
-Some nights I was not sleeping at all.
-I was hearing voices that weren't there.
-I would have frequent crying spells that were sometimes inexplainable.

And while it is unknown what caused my depression, or what causes any depression for that matter, ignoring the symptoms certainly got me in trouble and caused me to lose my ability to walk. Because I am a "stuffer"- when I get mad or upset about something, I tend to keep it stuffed inside and try to ignore/look past it. And the build up of that, among stress and anxiety, is what caused my brain to shut off the communication with my feet.

And when I knew something was wrong, I was embarrassed to admit it. Because I kept telling myself, "You're normal. You have nothing to be upset or depressed about, so just get over it." That's the thing- I really don't have anything to be depressed about, but I am.

And I've learned that it definitely helps to talk about my emotions and feelings rather than keeping them bottled in. Whether it is confronting someone or just venting to someone else, it helps. It doesn't always solve the problem, but it helps.

I also have realized that I am suffering from Generalized Anxiety disorder, but, I will save those details for another time.

As for today's positives? Well, I have been walking without the help of a cane or anything else. And that is more positive than I could ask for right now.

Up and Out

I face a battle every morning.

When my alarm goes off and it's time to get out of bed, all I can think about is staying put.

And it's not because I'm still sleepy or I don't want to leave the warmth of the blankets surrounding me.

It's because my mind is telling me that it's not worth it to get up for the day.

Every morning it's the same story. I've had to set my alarm for earlier because I have to lay and argue with myself. The voices/messages/intrusive thoughts tell me things like...

"It's not worth it to get up today. You're not going to do any good in the world today."
"Nobody wants to see you today so just stay in bed."
"You're not going to accomplish anything today so why bother."

You get the idea.

And the thoughts are so strong- and so real- that, it's not that I can simply brush them off my shoulder and get up. I have to sit and think of reasons to counteract what they are telling me. And some days it's easy, but some days its harder.

I don't know what the day will bring when I get up- I'm not God, and I certainly don't have a crystal ball that can tell me whether the day will be good or bad, or worth getting up for. And that's why it's hard to fight them off.

Even when I am out of bed, showered, and ready to go, they are still there- the voices- taunting me- "Don't leave. You're only going to get hurt out there." "There is no one out there who cares about you. Stay put." And so I have to talk myself into leaving the building.

And after 10+ weeks of this, I am proud to say, I have not yet missed a day. I have not yet let the intrusive thoughts win. I have always been stronger. I have talked with some people who have known people with depression to stay in their bed for a week at a time because they aren't strong enough. I do empathize with them- and I understand how hard it must be.

But I know God is on my side. He is stronger and He gives me the strength to push those voices aside and take control. I pray for continued strength that there won't be a day where I succumb to those evil thoughts and stay put.

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."- Even though it's hard to rejoice in these times, I do my best. And God doesn't expect us to be perfect- just faithful. And I have by no means been perfect. But I have remained faithful to God, who brought me to this time and place.

And now for the positives-
-I had a great lesson
-I really reconciled with a friend
-I went to Lincoln for dinner
-I celebrated with a friend
-I walked around for a while without my cane

GOOD night.

Mood Swings

It's funny to notice how quickly a mood can change during depression.

I can be feeling happy, at peace, and content one minute, and then someone says something, does something, or I recall a memory, and suddenly, I'm down in the slums.

And that's what makes this so hard. Because I have no control over the situation. I don't want to feel that way, and I don't want certain things to make me feel the way they do.

But, they do, and that's reality.

And I must face reality and figure out how to cope with it.

I would compare getting these feelings to being sick with the flu- sometimes, you feel 'okay' as you lay there, and other times you feel like you need to go vomit. And, that 'vomiting' for me is the ultimate low feeling- the state of complete hopelessness- the depressed state.

What do I currently want to do in the depressed state? Nothing. I don't want to talk to anyone, see anyone, do anything, or hear anything. So I often just drop whatever I am doing- if I am in my room, I'll shut the light off, lock the door, turn my phone on silent, and lay on the floor. If I am in a public place and getting back to my room is not an option, I'll find the nearest quiet place/corner, go there, and face a wall.

What gets me out of those states? Often times, it's talking to someone. And that's hard to do when I shut myself off from everyone. But, I am so focused on being alone and getting away during those times that trying to get ahold of someone is not easy to do.

And that's what makes things even harder. Sometimes I do dig up enough self-determination to make the call to tell someone I need to talk. Other times I just sit/lay there for hours until the feeling starts to subside. And during those times I am absolutely miserable and unfocused.

So, I hope that eliminates the question, "Why is it that if you know talking would make things better, you don't call someone"- because my mind simply is strong enough to tell me not to. And sometimes, people are what 'cause' me to fall into a deeply depressed state. So I think, if a person did this to me, what's to say that another person couldn't do the same thing?

If anything, it's put limits on my trust. And it sucks. And it's hurt some relationships. And that sucks even more. But, I am trying to remember- God is the one in control, allowing this to happen. And God only allows things that are good for us to happen. So sometime I will see that God was the one orchestrating all of this, for some divine purpose that I cannot yet see.

In the mean time, my moods will keep swinging. People want to know what they can do... Keep praying, and keep encouraging. Please. I don't know that anyone would ever be able to completely understand what a simple Bible verse reminder note in the mail or on Facebook does to lift my spirits. I can't tell you. And it seems that since I'm walking again, people have sort of assumed I'm okay. And I'm not. A simple phone call if you haven't seen me makes me feel so much better. Because depression often causes me to think that no one is out there for me, and no one cares. But the notes, those ever so simple reminders are a big way to prove those messages and intrusive thoughts wrong.

And I continue to put my trust, my hope in God, who has the strength to melt a mountain. (Psalm 97:5)

Here are some good things that happened today-
-I got an A on my voice final/jury.
-I slept and felt relaxed
-I regained sort of an appetite and ate a lot at lunch.
-I had a productive session with the counselor.
-I drove myself to Wal-Mart.
-I figured some things out on my computer.

The Start of Something New

No one really knows that I am starting this blog.

But I am starting it for many reasons- personal reasons, to look back, and reflect on how I've overcome a battle; and also for others to some day understand what it was I was going through; and also for others struggling with depression to understand that there is hope out there.

I wish I had started this sooner, because I've already come so far.

But, yet, there is still so far to go.

Today was my second visit with the psychiatrist. Coincidentally, I also had the urge for the very first time today to injure myself. It was scary.

I always saw TV shows on MTV or other reality networks where teens were interviewed about injuring themselves. And I can remember thinking "How could anyone be so upset that they would want to inflict pain upon themselves?" and today I finally understood that question as it became reality.

As I became so overwhelmed with emotion and confusion, I leaned over to a stairwell ledge to hurl myself over. I was able to stop myself.

As I walked on, the urge to somehow find a way to deal with the emotions I was having continued. I used my cane to beat myself on the head.

Did I learn anything? It hurts to injure yourself. All that was running through my mind was "Maybe physical pain will make the emotional pain go away."- It was an impulsive action, one that I didn't want to do, and I hope it never happens again. Because, well, it certainly doesn't help anything. It has caused much fear and regret, as a matter of fact.

They are considering putting me under partial mental hospitalization, a time during which I will undergo intense analysis, work with counselors, a psychiatrist, a dietitian, and other professionals who would work together to help bring me through this time. It's a struggle for me- if I continue having the urges, then I must go through with it. If I show improvement, it becomes an option.

And tonight I begin a new journey as I begin taking Mirtazapine, a drug that will hopefully act as a crutch to my other medication, Lexapro. Dr. Buda said today that I will only stay on Mirtazapine for 4-6 months to help the Lexapro get a move on working.

And now, I see a little light start to reappear at the end of the tunnel. It's nice.

And I promise to end each post with the positives that happened each day. Because depression makes it so hard to think of positives- even though they are right there.
-I was able to find transportation to Lincoln.
-I was able to reconcile with a friend.
-I was able to spend time with a friend who I haven't seen in a while.
-I was able to walk a short distance without a cane.
-I am blessed to be surrounded by wonderful, caring people.

And so a journey begins. And I know that God's love remains constant through all of it.

Dylan