A Wonder At Work

"Dylan, there are few students on this campus who have such a profound faith as you.”

Coming from one of the Theology professors, I took that as quite a compliment.

I am not trying to compare faith with anyone, but to hear that truly meant a lot to me. It reaffirms that though I’ve questioned some things, my faith has been unyielding and has grown tremendously through this whole endeavor.

I was also given this advice this afternoon:

“Dylan, if someone can’t see you for the genuine, sensitive, caring, compassionate individual that you are, then they don’t deserve to be your friend.”

That hit me pretty hard.

And I was given this to think about: A few years from now, the friends I had will look back on this mess and feel one or two things: shame or pride. Shame for being so cruel to another human being, or pride for what they did. That will show what kind of people they really are. 

But… Anyway, enough on that.

I got this analogy in an e-mail yesterday and it is definitely worth sharing and reflecting on…

Sometimes we wonder,
'What did I do to deserve this?' or
'Why did God have to do this to me?'
Here is a wonderful explanation!
A daughter is telling her Mother how everything 
is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend 
broke up with her and her best friend is moving away. 
Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and 
asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the 
daughter says, 'Absolutely Mom, I love your cake.' 
'Here, have some cooking oil,' her Mother offers. 
'Yuck' says her daughter.. 
'How about a couple raw eggs?' 'Gross, Mom!' 
'Would you like some flour then?
Or maybe baking soda?' 
'Mom, those are all yucky!' 
To which the mother replies:
'Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves.
But when they are put together in the 
right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake! ' 
God works the same way. Many times we wonder why 
He would let us go through such bad and difficult 
times. But God knows that when He puts these things 
all in His order, they always work for good! We just 
have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all 
make something wonderful! 

God sure must still be mixing the ingredients together.

But I trust that soon a delicious, wonderful cake will be produced!

Patience is the key. Tough times don’t last, but tough people do.

Today’s positives:

-The sun came out (briefly)

-“Thanks for bringing joy into my life”

-Making a child laugh

-Making peers laugh

-I watched a new documentary out of Patricia Polacco’s life- it was awesome.

-Time to reflect and ponder

Promises

Promises, promises, promises.

I've shared some comparisons of Jesus' last week before His crucifixion, how I can relate to some of the events.

Today, a professor helped me make the connection between Peter and Jesus and me and friends that I had.

Here's the account, from Matthew 16:21-23, 25:31-35,  From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life. Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. “Never, Lord!” he said. “This shall never happen to you!” ....Then Jesus told them, “This very night you will all fall away on account of me, for it is written: “‘I will strike the shepherd, and the sheep of the flock will be scattered.’ But after I have risen, I will go ahead of you into Galilee.”  Peter replied, “Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will.” “Truly I tell you,” Jesus answered, “this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.” But Peter declared, “Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you.” And all the other disciples said the same..... Now Peter was sitting out in the courtyard, and a servant girl came to him. “You also were with Jesus of Galilee,” she said. But he denied it before them all. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said. Then he went out to the gateway, where another servant girl saw him and said to the people there, “This fellow was with Jesus of Nazareth.” He denied it again, with an oath: “I don’t know the man!” After a little while, those standing there went up to Peter and said, “Surely you are one of them; your accent gives you away.” Then he began to call down curses, and he swore to them, “I don’t know the man!” Immediately a rooster crowed. Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken: “Before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.” And he went outside and wept bitterly.

While I can't begin to imagine the emotions Jesus felt, I have an idea....

Peter promised, "Never, Lord!" "I will never disown you!" ... He thought that he would always stick up for His master, Jesus. Any circumstance would never lead up to his betrayal. He thought he would never break his promises.

But Peter did break his promises. Peter even said, "I don't even know the man!"

I head the words all-too-often, "I will never leave you." "I will always be your friend." "I will always be there for you." "Never would I ever do that do you."

And yet, those promises are now broken.

And it hurts. I am not afraid to admit that. I'm grieving because it hurts, as any normal human being would.

As Peter pretended not to know Jesus, now I'm in the same situation. I can't get the time of day from my betrayers.

And it hurts. It hurts to have someone promise you something in one breath and want nothing to do wtih you a few weeks later. It sucks.

I have such a great appreciation for what Jesus suffered. I can relate on differing levels, and it strengthens my faith. It puts me in a state of awe- a Savior experienced these emotions for me.

These feelings are some of the hardest I've dealt with- not only the betrayal, but everything. And Jesus experienced it all. Only worse. And what I'm going through is so hard, I don't know how Jesus did it without giving up. I certainly would have given up if I was feeling worse than this.

But Jesus held on. For me.

Promises, promises, promises.

Some friends here have all fallen away and broken their promises and betrayed me.

But God sticks by His promises. He always has, and always will. And I trust that.

Thank God for His promises to always be with us and never forsake us.

I'll have a post with today's positives later. I just wanted to reflect a bit now.

Battles

My perceptions have really been altered over night. 

I don't intend to sound boastful or prideful, but, dang, I've overcome a lot....

While looking through hymns last night for comfort, I came across one, Rise My Soul To Watch And Pray... here are verses 3 and 5

Watch! Let not the wicked world

With its lies defeat you

Lest with bold deceptions hurled

It betray and cheat you.

Watch and see

Lest there be

Faithless friends to charm you,

Who but seek to harm you.

But while watching, also pray

To the Lord unceasing.

God protects you day by day,

Strength and faith increasing,

So that still

Mind and will

Shall unite to serve Him

And forever love Him.

Everytime I get up and leave for the day, I have a line up of battles to face. Everyone does. Mine just seem extremely difficult and challenging now. 

But there is one stronger than any battle, who is on my side. With His strength, I can overcome anything. Every day, as I said He has provided, He has also protected me. There are those who seek to harm me, but they haven't caused any permanent damage. God has been faithful. God has been a protector. 

God is faithful. (See 1 Corinthians 1:9). He always provides just what we need. It's so comforting.

I've also realized that each day is a new day, and each day I survive makes me stronger to face the next. As the verse of the hymn says, strength and faith increasing. Each day I get stronger. Each day my faith gets stronger. Each day I realize how faithful God is. 


And tonight, at Praise, the song "You Are On Our Side" by Bethany Dillon was played. I had never heard it before, but WOW, powerful... here are some lyrics...


The orphan clings to Your hand
Singing the song of how he was found
The widow rejoices
For her oppressors are silenced now

You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor
You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore
When You could just be silent and leave us here to die
Still, You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side

Let’s keep those positives comin’!
-“You’ve been through a lot, but you are becoming one of my role models because you keep soldiering through everything. You amaze me.” (This means especially a lot, because it came from an adult)

- A one on one lunch with great conversation

-Teaching a lesson that went extremely well for my 2^nd grade classroom

-“That lesson plan was great, I need to keep a copy!”

-“Please tell me this isn’t your last day!” (coming from one of my students)

-"There are some people out there who think it's easier to be cruel to a person they don't know what to do with than to love them."

-Pause to reflect during midweek Lenten worship this evening

Thanks God, for being faithful. For protecting me. For helping me win every battle I encounter. 

He Provides

I got a plethora of advice today.


I had so many accidental run ins and God blessed me in ways through people I didn't expect.


Luther's explanation for one of the Lord's Prayer petitions comes to mind...
He richly and daily provides me with all that I need to support this body and life.


How true is that? I survived today not because of anything I had done, but because of everything that God has done for me. He gives me everything that I need, and not always what I want. And that's okay.


I was blessed to have lunch with someone who is my greatest mentor. While I kept the conversation light, we ended talking about some struggles, and while I didn't go into detail, she reminded me that, 


"Sometimes at night I look back and I wonder why some of the struggles I had that day happened, and then I tell myself, 'Just look back at some of the struggles you had and some of the blessings that eventually came out of them.'"


It might sound like a broken record, but I need to remind myself that God's ways are not my ways, and His thoughts not my thoughts. 


Via e-mail, another respectable adult had a lot to offer, including this:

I don't know why you have to go through this after the last few months that you've had, but I do think God sometimes gets bad people out of the way to make space for better, new, fitting things.

Perhaps that is the case. I don't know. I guess time will tell. 

While nothing seems to make sense now, I do trust that God has provided and will continue to do so.

And His blessings are rich, even among the persecution, scorn, and suffering.

 

Another list of today's blessings to keep me going:


-Relaxation


-Many hugs


-Lunch with one of my mentors


-"If you don't want to make up the quiz you missed then, just come anyway and I'll be happy to talk."


-"Your work was above and beyond what I expected!"


-Visiting a friend who is laid up after just having been through surgery.


-A long overdue one on one dinner


-Peace through prayer


-"If someone doesn't like you, then obviously THEY are the one with the problems."

Blessings

Blessings 

By Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Dipper Or Filler?

What’s in your bucket?

A Skype conversation with a close friend last night entailed this discussion.

We all have our buckets we carry around. Are you a bucket dipper or a bucket filler?

Bucket dippers go around and steal from other people’s buckets, doing nothing but bringing scorn, hatred, and persecution to other people’s lives.

Other people are bucket fillers. They share what they have and in return their buckets are filled with love back.

Are you a bucket dipper or a bucket filler?

I can’t sit here and preach and say “I’m a bucket filler and you should be too.” Because, I’m not always a filler. I do my share of dipping. And when I have the remains of someone else’s bucket, the joy I robbed, I want to sit and sulk…

And think “What have I done?” It’s hard. It happens. But thankfully, we always have the opportunity to go fill up that bucket again with even more than what we took.

Is your bucket dry? Mine sometimes gets that way. Thankfully, and as we were reminded in yesterday’s Gospel lesson, Jesus is the living water and never runs dry. We can turn to Him ANY time to get a full bucket again.

My bucket today has had varied levels of contents. Sometimes it was bone dry. After such a wonderful day of blessings and being stronger than persecution and hardship, my bucket is overflowing with love.

And I want to fill so many other people’s buckets!

It’s funny- you would think that filling other people’s buckets would make your bucket less and less.

But it’s strange- the more you fill someone else’s bucket, the fuller yours gets.

And it’s amazing to look down and see a bucket full of blessings.

This reminded me of a passage from John 10, verses 7-17:   Therefore Jesus said again, “Very truly I tell you, I am the gate for the sheep.  All who have come before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep have not listened to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep. “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd. The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life—only to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father.”

The bucket dippers are the thieves and wolves. Thank goodness, our Shepherd is a bucket filler.

This list is a bit premature, since I promised lists on Saturdays, and its only Monday, but things in the last 48 hours have sucked so much for so many varying circumstances, some even unrelated to the illness, that a positive list will do me good.

-As always, many hugs

-An amazing group therapy session (I know none of them read this, but Thank you all!)

-A heartbox present

-A “I really just want to go kick their butts! You don’t deserve that!”

-Many one on one conversations full of blessings

-“The people who love you far outnumber the people who don’t!”

-Teaching a lesson about Resurrection Eggs tonight

-“Please stop by sometime!”

-A great Skype conversation

-No throwing up today

-E-mails to someone across the world

-Pulling this quote from my therapy box: “A true hero is one who knows how to hang on a minute longer.”

-Having a direct line to God and being able to go to Him always in prayer

A Mess of Thoughts

I hate to follow up yesterday's post with kind of a discouraging one, but I'm really confused...


Many of you readers I've shared some of the latest happenings with. I just wanted to reflect on some interesting things that two people have shared with me today via e-mail.


The first is from a professor who I have come to grow really appreciative of. She is awesome. This is what she had to offer on the situation: 


 I wish you didn't have to go through this, Dylan, but surely there has to be something here to weed out these so-called friends. They delight in it because it gets to you. And understandably so. At least you're not calling them "friends" anymore. Sometimes, I think we only see these things as "bad" and not God protecting us. Yes, there is that interpretation too! So feel well protected today!


Maybe considering some of the things I'm going through, God is protecting me from further harm, let-down, and upset. If God is for us, then who can be against us (Romans 8:31)?


Nothing! Nobody! No circumstance, problem, or issue is stronger than our God. God is on our side, and nothing will ever get in the way of Him completing His ultimate plan.


Someone reminded me today that the number of people who are on my team and wanting to see me get better far outnumbers the people who only want to cause me pain and grief. 


Another friend had this to offer via e-mail:
To give, even if you have nothing, to  share whatever you can, to be good to all the people in your life=the secret of happiness. The key word- to GIVE. Give it up, don't hang on to material things. Give of yourself, give your time , help others, give your heart to whomever needs it.


I've been able to be more of a "giver" recently as I am doing better. There has been no greater joy than to be able to give to others and "be a blessing" in their lives. My heart goes out to those whom I see in need. It is a blessing to help others, because it does bring me so much happiness. 


Giving, just as God has given to us, is truly the best feeling ever. 


Another thought that I've been thinking about came from the Epistle lesson in this week's church services: Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.- Romans 5:3-6


Perseverance trumps all cards. Some things out there are worth persevering, and others aren't. Follow the way God is calling you. 


Regardless of some of the things happening, this is STILL the day the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Be A Blessing!

"I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing."- Genesis 12:2

Last Sunday, I referred to Genesis 12 and encouraged you to pack a promise like Abraham, being reassured that it is all we need to make it through our day.

I was reflecting on those verses again last night, and three words from chapter 12 stuck out- "be a blessing."

A blessing is defined as a favor or gift bestowed by God, thereby bringing happiness.

God gives us so many blessings each and every day. One of my favorite quotations of all time is, "God blesses us every day. It's up to us to notice."

Think about how many simple things we take for granted in our lives, but yet, they are all blessings from God. Someone in one of my classes last week said "I wish God still did miracles."

Um, hello?! He still does! We just take them for granted. Think, every time a new baby is born- that's a miracle. Every small gift of healing that we encounter- that's a miracle. When there is a "near-miss" car-accident, that's a miracle. God is always at work, we just sometimes fail to recognize the blessings in our life.

And each and every day, we have opportunities to be blessings ourselves.

But, wait, it's not so easy.... Especially when our lives are filled with joy bandits.

That's right. Joy bandits. Those things, circumstances, or people, that rob us of our daily joy.

Whether it be a health problem or battle; assignment or test; persecution from another;

In those circumstances, that's where it's most important for us to be a blessing.

I challenge you to be a blessing to someone this day, and every day. Let the happiness you have received from God shine through you and into others, and it's amazing, the happiness will reflect back into your own life.

As promised, here's a list of blessings I recently encountered. The quotes are things people have said to me:

-Mail from friends in Spain

-Opportunities to worship in 3 different locations this weekend

-"We missed you, and we'll be glad to have you back!"

-"You made my day."

-More hugs

-A great visit with the doctor which left me brimming with optimism

-Telling and laughing at really dumb jokes

-"Considering what you've been through, and the way people are still treating you, you are one of the strongest people I know."

-One on one visits with great friends

Ah. I am truly blessed. And blessed to be a blessing.

More Medicine

Let me start off by saying the visit with my doctor was great! 


Things are definitely continuing in the right direction! She was really happy about some choices I made and things I did. 


She is upping the dose on my primary medication, and adding another medicine for anxiety purposes. That's three pills that I'll be on altogether.


But, whatever it takes for me to get better. That's my attitude.


God is faithful and continues to see me through on the road to total recovery.


I got this in an e-mail, and I hope to do this more, with the help of medications:


When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.



Too often my mind is in a cycle, always worrying about what's coming next, and my goal is to make it through whatever obstacle is coming next.


In fact, whenever I reach an obstacle, or even joyful event, I don't really get to enjoy it because I am ruminating about some problem coming next or how I'm going to face the next exam, the next performance, get the next assignment done on time, handle the next round of persecution and ignorance, what problem is going to come up that I don't expect... etc.


Whew! Just thinking about it has made my heart go racing. 


It's just a matter of trusting in the one who created me. Each day, as I said in an earlier post, is a gift. A gift that should be opened with great joy. Each day holds a promise from God.


Someone asked me why I quit with my positive list. I think I will post regularly on Saturday with a list of all of the blessings I experienced that week. So, just because I'm not continuing with a positive list doesn't mean that all sorts of positive things are happening.


Thanks for the prayers. Please continue to pray as my body takes in the new dosages/new pills that the doctor is prescribing and they lead to a rapid return to wholeness.

Prayer Request

I have a check up tomorrow with Dr. Buda, my psychiatrist. Please say a prayer for me tonight!

I haven't given much credit to her, but she is awesome! I thank God for connecting me to her and for guiding her in helping me.

Dr. Buda

God's Got A Plan

To kill time in between two classes today, I decided to go up and visit a professor whom I haven't talked to really since I've been in the wheelchair.

Before I go any further, I realize that after reading over some of my last few posts, I gush a lot about talking with professors. Let me just say, the majority of the professors here whom I am blessed to know so well are some of the most amazing adults I have ever met. Each one brings their own talents and backgrounds into their work. I truly have so many well-respected adults in my life whom I am now blessed to call my friends.

With that being said, let me proceed with my story.

The woman whom I visited with, the director of the ELL program here, was still under the impression that I had caught a virus and that is why I couldn't walk. I corrected her and went on with the real version of the story.

She had her own diagnosis, at the age of 45. She reasurred me that it took her a while to come to terms/acceptance with it, but once she did, and found good doctors and medication, she is living a happy life again.

She also shared something about her son. He had a condition which gave him seizures. He served over seas in Afghanistan, and was planning to go again.

But, God had a different plan in mind.

He had a seizure and they would not let him go anymore. He was really upset, I guess.

But, God knew what He was doing. Her son met this woman whom he fell in love with and became engaged. That would not have happened if he had gone overseas. He never would have met this girl.

And his illnesses got better, too.

While I'm sure God has a plan for my love life and finding a woman, that's not the point of this post.

The point being that God knows what He's doing. Her son didn't see that until a while after he couldn't go.

And I am confident that He has a plan for all of this too.

Every piece of my suffering, persecution, hardship, trial, etc. Has some divine purpose.

I see somethings that I say "Oh, it DID have a purpose." Other things, I still wonder. I still doubt that I will ever be able to fathom the why of somethings.

And that's what hope and faith is all about. Diminishing those doubts and trusting that God's got a plan.

Holding God's Hand

God's got a big hand.

I would know. I've got a firm grasp on it.

Something got me thinking about that imagery tonight,  and I want to share the words of a hymn known as Precious Lord, Take My Hand, a Spiritual...

Precious Lord, take my hand
Lead me on, let me stand
I am tired, I am weak, I am worn
Through the storm, through the night
Lead me on to the light
Take my hand precious Lord, lead me home

When my way grows drear
Precious Lord linger near
When my life is almost gone
Hear my cry, hear my call
Hold my hand lest I fall
Take my hand precious Lord, lead me home

My grip on God's hand got a little weak there. I almost let go. Because I didn't trust that He was leading me in the right way.

It's comforting when you can sit back, realize that God's holding your hand, and understand that He will never, ever let go.

In a praise song by Tenth Avenue North, the lyrics go something like "Please don't fight these Hands that are holding you... My hands are holding you."

Wow. Not only is God holding my hand, He is holding me IN His hand.

In John 10:28, the Shepherd says, "No one can snatch them out of the palm of my hand."

Not only am I in His hand, I'm guaranteed protection there too.

Why did I ever struggle? Why did I ever try and squirm my way out, thinking "God, you obviously don't know what you're doing so would you please just let me go?"

And the little bit I was losing my grip on the hand, I saw for myself the dangers of letting go and take my  word for it, it really is no fun.

There is a benediction I like to end prayers with... it goes:
God, please be above us to watch over us,
beneath us to lift us up in our times of need,
walk in front of us to lead the way,
walk behind us to steady our step,
and walk beside us as our Good Shepherd.

That's all part of holding God's hand. And being held in it. Being all encompassed by Him.

Now that's comforting.

A Prayer

Tonight's Lenten Worship opened with this prayer. May it be the prayer of all our hearts:
Lord, grant us grace to rejoice in your salvation and to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us, that we may be merciful, even as You are merciful. Amen.

What Garbage Is Cluttering Your Life?

Okay, okay, so I found another e-mail forward I liked and wanted to share it. And post it as a reminder to myself.

The  Law of the Garbage Truck

Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around  full of garbage, full of frustration, full of  anger, and full of disappointment.  

As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it

and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally .

Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

Do not let garbage trucks take over your day.  

Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.

Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't .

Life  is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

Have a garbage-free day!

"Faith is not believing God can,  it is knowing that God will ."

What garbage is cluttering your life? I've realized that on some of my worst days, it was not only other people's garbage, but, I was throwing out a lot of garbage myself.

Thankfully, I've gotten in touch with the garbage collector (God) and He comes around and picks it up before I go to bed every night.

When I leave for the day, my garbage truck is empty and I only have joy to give to others. And most people receive it gladly. 

Don't Overdo It

I can’t say they didn’t warn me.

“Don’t overdo it!” I’ve been reminded time and time again.

I always respond back with a grin and a promise of “I won’t!”

And it’s not like I intended to overdo it. But I did.

Ever since I’ve been out of the wheelchair and walking again, and the weather has gotten nicer, I’ve been taking walks. Just last week, on two occasions, I ran. Just for a short distance. Sometimes it seemed too long, and it really wore me out. But at the same time, it made me feel good.

And when the words “Intramural Soccer” started buzzing through the air, my heart yearned to be able to do it, because of the fun I remember having last year.

I hoped the team I was on last year would ask me back, but, they didn’t. Very randomly, I ended up on another team, and I told myself, “You can do this!”

“Just don’t overdo it!” The words still ran through my head like a marquee.

“What can 40 minutes on a soccer field do to me?”

I ended up being on offense right from the start. I ran hard, and my level of determination was high, perhaps too high, because the strength just wasn’t in my legs. I felt weak, and after about five minutes of play, I felt as if I had been playing for four hours straight, and sought relief from a sub at the sidelines.

Don’t even think about going back out on the field. You’ve exhausted yourself already.

So much for listening to my conscience. After a few gulps of water and an opportunity to bend over to catch my breath, when a guy waved in for a sub, I was back on the field.

And I thought my running was weak the first time. Ha. This was worse. But I pushed through the pain and kept reminding myself that it was not okay to give up.

I could not have been happier when half time was called. Another minute or so to catch my breath and swallow some more water.

I asked myself what I was doing out on the field for second half. Still, I ran, feeling weaker and weaker, figuring I might as well keep playing because if I didn’t collapse from exhaustion on the field, I surely would have on the sideline.

I kept going and subbed out, and then ended up toward the goal at the end of the game. With each passing minute, I was relieved that I was still standing but wondering how I was going to hold up any longer.

It was so exhausting. I can’t even use words to describe it. But I survived. And we tied. I had the opportunity to kick during the shoot out and I scored. And the joy of that, everyone hugging me and celebrating with me, and the fun and laughs I had during the game made the forty minutes totally worth it.

But, I wasn’t doing so hot. I was parched, sweaty, tired, and it hurt every time I took a step.

I staggered back to my room. I wondered if I was going to make it down the stairs into the bathroom. The familiar urge to vomit that I experienced too frequently months ago seemed to be creeping up on me.  “It’s nothing. You’re just a little tired.” I tried to remind myself.

I made it onto my hall and into the bathroom where I collapsed on the floor, and I managed to pull myself to the toilet in time.

My “I haven’t vomited since December 18^th” streak came to an end.

I guess the anxiety from the game and the exhaustion of my body was just a little bit too much. It's okay. I'm still feeling strong today. 

Did I overdo it? Yeah…

Do I regret it? No….

Will I play again on Wednesday night? OF COURSE!...

I decided that the disease I have has robbed me of too much, and I am not going to let it rob me of any more. I promise I will take it a bit easier this next time around and pace myself a little bit better.

Gotta build up the leg and body strength again somehow, right?

Let’s keep the list going from last night, because the awesome streak has carried over into today and there is so much I am grateful for…

-More hugs!

-Getting a package in the mail with an amazing Children’s book inside from a great friend

-Being able to get out of a rumination cycle and lost in a book for an  hour and a half (something I haven’t been able to do in a LONG time!)

-Having lunch and great conversation with two professors who I look up to the most and highly respect

-Popping into a professor’s office and being able to give her a POSITIVE update on my condition, and seeing her reaction made my day

-Being thanked for being a great friend

What Makes My Heart Sing

Those who wish to sing will always find a song.


Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway. 

It's been easy to get wrapped up in so many things going wrong, and someone asked me the other day, "Well, what GOOD is going on in your life?"  Though it is hard to see, there are plenty. I just don't always realize it. I'd like to take this opportunity to list them now.

What has made my heart sing recently?

-Giving and receiving hugs (to lots of people! I love hugs!)

-Hearing the birds so dutifully pour out their new spring songs.

-Running off the beaten path

-Attending a wedding and reception of a couple I could not be happier for.

-Being asked to be able to help someone else.

-Midweek Lenten Worship- it was a nice "pause" in the middle of the week

-Singing greetings to others, sometimes from long distances, and seeing their faces light up with a smile.

-A long conversation with a woman who works in the cafeteria who has grown to be a great friend.

-Seeing God at work in small ways.

-Coming across a Scripture passage that is "just enough" to keep me going.

-Getting to write literature lesson plans for first and second graders

-Understanding that God is capable of working miracles.

-Getting a hug and prayer in a text message.

-Making someone's day with a Get Well card.

-A Skype conversation with a long distance friend

-Sitting on a bench with a Theology Professor and talking about life.

-Being able to call up another Professor on a Saturday afternoon, just because he wants to know how I am feeling that day.

-Being reassured that it's not just me who thinks certain things.

-Being told my laugh is contagious

-Laughing even though no one else is.

-Being reassured that I will accomplish amazing things later in my life.

-Being complimented for my endurance.

-Reading over this list and seeing my reflection in my computer screen, noticing a big grin on my face.

Circumstance or Promise?

Today's Old Testament reading struck me.

It came from Genesis 12, and the verses 1-4 were what was meaningful:
Now the Lord said to Abram, "Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you. And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and him who dishonors you I will curse, and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed." So Abram went, as the Lord had told him.... (v. 9) And Abram journeyed on, still....


I don't know that I would have had as much courage in that situation as Abram did. God told him to go, pack up everything, and move on. The only certainty he had was God's promise. It was enough for Abram to go, and it saw Abram through.

Abram did not cling to any circumstance. He clung tightly to God's promise.

And then I got to thinking (and pardon me for the thought wandering during the service, but at least it was something related to the church service), that Noah only had a promise when God told Him to build the ark. Daniel only had a promise in the den of lions. Jesus only had the promise of God when He was sent to be crucified. And there are many other examples in Scripture I'm sure I could continue to list.

Abram and all of the people mentioned above are a great example for me, I wish that earlier in this journey I had clung to the promises rather than circumstances. For instance...

I was diagnosed with mental illnesses, so God must not care for me.
Everyone seems to be walking out of my life, so no one loves me.
It seems like I can't accomplish anything good anymore.

If I had clung to the promises of God rather than the circumstances I was stuck in, it may have changed my attitude and outlook.

I think about circumstances I'm facing and problems I still have despite my recovery.

And I am going to cling to a promise and not the circumstance.

And I am going to pray that anyone else involved can do the same.

You know, this reminds me of a student leaving home for school in the mornings. Before the child leaves the door, the mother must say, "Did you remember to pack your lunch?"

And I think it would be good to leave in the mornings for me to have a sign posted on my door that says, "Did you remember to pack a promise?"

What exactly are those promises?
God LOVES Me (John 3:16).
God gives me PEACE. (Isaiah 26:3).
God brings HEALING (Jeremiah 30:17)
God PROTECTS me (Psalm 91:10)
God promises LIFE (Revelation 21:4)

The list doesn't have to end there, because the Bible is filled with other promises to cling to. For every circumstance here on earth, God has a promise.

Looking back at the promises Abram was given in Genesis 12, he went on the journey with just those. Sometimes when I travel I fill several bags of stuff to take with me. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get any more into the car. I take a lot of baggage with me, thinking "Oh I MIGHT need this.." Or "I will probably NEED this..."  And I lose sight of where I'm going or why I'm even going there because of all the baggage I'm carrying.

And I think that life is sometimes lived that way, too. My baggage/illness tends to weigh me down, and I lose sight of the journey I am really on. All the baggage can be abandoned, and replaced with a promise.

I'm going to start packing a promise every day I leave. And not let circumstances rule over my life, but rather the promises of God, who loves me dearly. It's great to cling to the promises.

A Dad, A Daughter, A Dog

I normally don't read e-mail forwards, but I got this one, and for some reason felt compelled to read it. I am so glad I did. Coincidentally, (or maybe it was a God thing), it ended with the quote I posted yesterday. Hmmmm


A Dad, A Daughter, A Dog

- story by Catherine Moore
 
"Watch out! You nearly broad sided that car!" My father yelled at me. "Can't you do anything right?" 

Those words hurt worse than blows. I turned my head toward the elderly man in the seat beside me, daring me to challenge him. A lump rose in my throat as I averted my eyes. I wasn't prepared for another battle. 

"I saw the car, Dad . Please don't yell at me when I'm driving.." 

My voice was measured and steady, sounding far calmer than I really felt. 

Dad glared at me, then turned away and settled back. At home I left Dad in front of the television and went outside to collect my thoughts.... dark, heavy clouds hung in the air with a promise of rain. The rumble of distant thunder seemed to echo my inner turmoil. What could I do about him? 

Dad had been a lumberjack in Washington and Oregon . He had enjoyed being outdoors and had reveled in pitting his strength against the forces of nature. He had entered grueling lumberjack competitions, and had placed often. The shelves in his house were filled with trophies that attested to his prowess. 

The years marched on relentlessly. The first time he couldn't lift a heavy log, he joked about it; but later that same day I saw him outside alone, straining to lift it. He became irritable whenever anyone teased him about his advancing age, or when he couldn't do something he had done as a younger man.. 

Four days after his sixty-seventh birthday, he had a heart attack. An ambulance sped him to the hospital while a paramedic administered CPR to keep blood and oxygen flowing. 

At the hospital, Dad was rushed into an operating room. He was lucky; he survived. But something inside Dad died. His zest for life was gone. He obstinately refused to follow doctor's orders. Suggestions and offers of help were turned aside with sarcasm and insults. The number of visitors thinned, then finally stopped altogether. Dad was left alone.. 


My husband, Dick, and I asked Dad to come live with us on our small farm. We hoped the fresh air and rustic atmosphere would help him adjust. 

Within a week after he moved in, I regretted the invitation. It seemed nothing was satisfactory. He criticized everything I did. I became frustrated and moody. Soon I was taking my pent-up anger out on Dick. We began to bicker and argue. 

Alarmed, Dick sought out our pastor and explained the situation. The clergyman set up weekly counseling appointments for us. At the close of each session he prayed, asking God to soothe Dad 's troubled mind. 

But the months wore on and God was silent. Something had to be done and it was up to me to do it. 

The next day I sat down with the phone book and methodically called each of the mental health clinics listed in the Yellow Pages. I explained my problem to each of the sympathetic voices that answered in vain. 

Just when I was giving up hope, one of the voices suddenly exclaimed, "I just read something that might help you! Let me go get the article.." 

I listened as she read. The article described a remarkable study done at a nursing home. All of the patients were under treatment for chronic depression. Yet their attitudes had improved dramatically when they were given responsibility for a dog. 
I drove to the animal shelter that afternoon.. After I filled out a questionnaire, a uniformed officer led me to the kennels. The odor of disinfectant stung my nostrils as I moved down the row of pens. Each contained five to seven dogs. Long-haired dogs, curly-haired dogs, black dogs, spotted dogs all jumped up, trying to reach me. I studied each one but rejected one after the other for various reasons too big, too small, too much hair. As I neared the last pen a dog in the shadows of the far corner struggled to his feet, walked to the front of the run and sat down. It was a pointer, one of the dog world's aristocrats. But this was a caricature of the breed. 

Years had etched his face and muzzle with shades of gray. His hip bones jutted out in lopsided triangles. But it was his eyes that caught and held my attention. Calm and clear, they beheld me unwaveringly. 

I pointed to the dog. "Can you tell me about him?" The officer looked, then shook his head in puzzlement. "He's a funny one. Appeared out of nowhere and sat in front of the gate. We brought him in, figuring someone would be right down to claim him. That was two weeks ago and we've heard nothing. His time is up tomorrow." He gestured helplessly. 

As the words sank in I turned to the man in horror.. "You mean you're going to kill him?" 

"Ma'am," he said gently, "that's our policy. We don't have room for every unclaimed dog." 

I looked at the pointer again. The calm brown eyes awaited my decision.. "I'll take him," I said. I drove home with the dog on the front seat beside me.. When I reached the house I honked the horn twice. I was helping my prize out of the car when Dad shuffled onto the front porch.... "Ta-da! Look what I got for you, Dad !" I said excitedly. 

Dad looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust. "If I had wanted a dog I would have gotten one. And I would have picked out a better specimen than that bag of bones. Keep it! I don't want it" Dad waved his arm scornfully and turned back toward the house. 

Anger rose inside me. It squeezed together my throat muscles and pounded into my temples. "You'd better get used to him, Dad . He's staying!" 

Dad ignored me.. "Did you hear me, Dad ?" I screamed. At those words Dad whirled angrily, his hands clenched at his sides, his eyes narrowed and blazing with hate. We stood glaring at each other like duelists, when suddenly the pointer pulled free from my grasp. He wobbled toward my dad and sat down in front of him. Then slowly, carefully, he raised his paw.. 

Dad 's lower jaw trembled as he stared at the uplifted paw Confusion replaced the anger in his eyes. The pointer waited patiently. Then Dad was on his knees hugging the animal. 

It was the beginning of a warm and intimate friendship. Dad named the pointer Cheyenne . Together he and Cheyenne explored the community. They spent long hours walking down dusty lanes. They spent reflective moments on the banks of streams, angling for tasty trout. They even started to attend Sunday services together, Dad sitting in a pew and Cheyenne lying quietly at is feet. 

Dad and Cheyenne were inseparable throughout the next three years... Dad 's bitterness faded, and he and Cheyenne made many friends. Then late one night I was startled to feel Cheyenne 's cold nose burrowing through our bed covers. He had never before come into our bedroom at night.. I woke Dick, put on my robe and ran into my father's room. Dad lay in his bed, his face serene. But his spirit had left quietly sometime during the night. 

Two days later my shock and grief deepened when I discovered Cheyenne lying dead beside Dad 's bed. I wrapped his still form in the rag rug he had slept on. As Dick and I buried him near a favorite fishing hole, I silently thanked the dog for the help he had given me in restoring Dad 's peace of mind. 

The morning of Dad 's funeral dawned overcast and dreary. This day looks like the way I feel, I thought, as I walked down the aisle to the pews reserved for family. I was surprised to see the many friends Dad and Cheyenne had made filling the church. The pastor began his eulogy. It was a tribute to both Dad and the dog who had changed his life. 

And then the pastor turned to Hebrews 13:2. "Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by this some have entertained angels without knowing it." 
"I've often thanked God for sending that angel," he said. 

For me, the past dropped into place, completing a puzzle that I had not seen before: the sympathetic voice that had just read the right article.... Cheyenne 's unexpected appearance at the animal shelter. . ...his calm acceptance and complete devotion to my father. . and the proximity of their deaths. And suddenly I understood. I knew that God had answered my prayers after all. 

Life is too short for drama or petty things, so laugh hard, love truly and forgive quickly. Live While You Are Alive. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time. 


Lost time can never be found.
God answers our prayers in His time........not ours..