Fear

I admit, I am afraid of the future.


This disease no longer scares me. I am sure that I have seen the worst of it. It can't beat me up any more than it already has. I'm not afraid of what else it could do to me because I think I've conquered the worst, and for that I am proud.


But, there is still a great uncertainty about the future.


How much longer until I get better again? Will I ever get better? What will I look like coming out of this? Who will I be? What will people think of me? Will people judge me because I had a mental illness? Will I be strong enough in the future? What if it comes back? Will people like the new me? 


I don't know the answer to any of those questions. I wish I had a crystal ball that I could look into and see what tomorrow holds- the exact date I will finally be feeling good again- if ever. What the new me will look like. Whether or not people will like the new me. 


But only God knows the answer to all of those questions. I just have a hard time accepting that. I have a hard time trusting Him. Ever since He's allowed this to happen, my trust in Him has grown weak.


And I am praying. I am seeking spiritual counsel. I am working on building it up again.
I'm still so very angry with Him. And that's okay. Because that means I am recognizing his existence.


In the mean time, my questions still haunt me. My fear of the future and the uncertainty of what lies ahead makes me tremble. 


I need to begin to trust that God knows what He's doing. I need to give all of my fears and uncertainties to Him and accept that His plan is good, whether I see it or like it or not. 


There is a song by Alison Kraus called "Many Things About Tomorrow", and I have been trying to believe these lyrics myself. Part of them go:


I don't know about tomorrow;
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from its sunshine
For its skies may turn to grey.

I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said.
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.


I especially like that last stanza. One of my favorite phrases is, "We don't know what the future holds, but we know who holds the future." 


I also look to these verses for hope and security:


"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."- Matthew 6:34


"Worrying weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up."- Proverbs 12:25


"Do not worry about anything. Instead, pray about everything."- Philippians 4:6


I'm so afraid. So worried about what the future holds. I am trying to trust more and worry less.