Up and Out

I face a battle every morning.

When my alarm goes off and it's time to get out of bed, all I can think about is staying put.

And it's not because I'm still sleepy or I don't want to leave the warmth of the blankets surrounding me.

It's because my mind is telling me that it's not worth it to get up for the day.

Every morning it's the same story. I've had to set my alarm for earlier because I have to lay and argue with myself. The voices/messages/intrusive thoughts tell me things like...

"It's not worth it to get up today. You're not going to do any good in the world today."
"Nobody wants to see you today so just stay in bed."
"You're not going to accomplish anything today so why bother."

You get the idea.

And the thoughts are so strong- and so real- that, it's not that I can simply brush them off my shoulder and get up. I have to sit and think of reasons to counteract what they are telling me. And some days it's easy, but some days its harder.

I don't know what the day will bring when I get up- I'm not God, and I certainly don't have a crystal ball that can tell me whether the day will be good or bad, or worth getting up for. And that's why it's hard to fight them off.

Even when I am out of bed, showered, and ready to go, they are still there- the voices- taunting me- "Don't leave. You're only going to get hurt out there." "There is no one out there who cares about you. Stay put." And so I have to talk myself into leaving the building.

And after 10+ weeks of this, I am proud to say, I have not yet missed a day. I have not yet let the intrusive thoughts win. I have always been stronger. I have talked with some people who have known people with depression to stay in their bed for a week at a time because they aren't strong enough. I do empathize with them- and I understand how hard it must be.

But I know God is on my side. He is stronger and He gives me the strength to push those voices aside and take control. I pray for continued strength that there won't be a day where I succumb to those evil thoughts and stay put.

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."- Even though it's hard to rejoice in these times, I do my best. And God doesn't expect us to be perfect- just faithful. And I have by no means been perfect. But I have remained faithful to God, who brought me to this time and place.

And now for the positives-
-I had a great lesson
-I really reconciled with a friend
-I went to Lincoln for dinner
-I celebrated with a friend
-I walked around for a while without my cane

GOOD night.