Hills

I feel as though I'm on hills.

At least, I feel as though my mood goes on hills.

For a while there, I was a flatline- completely low and hopeless.

And now that I've been through quite a bit of therapy and the medications are doing their job, I'm no longer on a flatline- I'm starting to see some uphill progress.

But, although I go uphill, I often end up going right back downhill to a low.

It's frustrating.

I want to feel good- I want to feel up on top of the hills all the time, happy, joyful, and excited about each day.

But, my illness prevents that.

Actually, life prevents that. Nobody will ever live a perfect life happy up on a mountaintop. That's just the way it goes. God never promised He was going to bless us with complete happiness and prosperity.

Because sin is in the world, we will have our low times- where we're downhill and feeling low.

Right now, I'm just feeling low more than I should.

However, lately, I've been more up than I've ever been. And it's exciting. Because there's this strange feeling that I am getting better. I am getting stronger to face each day and to be strong enough not to fall downhill.

I will have more downhills than other people. I just need the courage and strength to crawl out and get back uphill where I belong.

I hope this all makes sense. I want to feel uphill and good about life. I want that more than anything. My mind just doesn't allow it. I keep praying for strength and courage to face each day.

And you know what? God grants it. He gives me what I need to face each day. Sometimes I don't feel like I have it. But I do. I am getting stronger.

I'm going to walk away from this a strong individual. While I will face it the rest of my life, I won't let it control me. I won't. I am stronger than that.

I am strong enough to be up on the mountaintop.

I am strong enough to pull myself from the lows.

That's what I'm going to keep telling myself.