Something's Not Right

Someone asked me today, "How did you know you had depression?"

I didn't really "know" it- I knew something was wrong, but my counselor had to tell me that it was depression.

I realize now that it's something I've had for quite a few years- I realized the feelings I was having were not "normal"- no normal human being, especially someone like me who enjoys socializing and being among people, would want to be secluded from society on purpose for long periods of time. Granted, things weren't quite as severe years ago as they had been recently, but I was definitely suffering.

The urge to withdraw myself constantly was my first major red flag. I also noticed a major difference in my appetite- I could only eat about less than half at a meal of what I was used to. I also noticed the following symptoms now that they've been pointed out:
-I was really irritable and angry a lot of the time.
-I wasn't enjoying things I once did.
-I was beginning to feel hopeless and helpless.
-It took me almost 2 hours to fall asleep at night, and then I would wake up for long periods after falling asleep- I was averaging less than 4 hours of sleep per night.

And as things became more severe in the last eight weeks, these symptoms began happening:
-I completely lost my appetite at times.
-I lost a lot of weight (13 pounds as of a few days ago)
-Some nights I was not sleeping at all.
-I was hearing voices that weren't there.
-I would have frequent crying spells that were sometimes inexplainable.

And while it is unknown what caused my depression, or what causes any depression for that matter, ignoring the symptoms certainly got me in trouble and caused me to lose my ability to walk. Because I am a "stuffer"- when I get mad or upset about something, I tend to keep it stuffed inside and try to ignore/look past it. And the build up of that, among stress and anxiety, is what caused my brain to shut off the communication with my feet.

And when I knew something was wrong, I was embarrassed to admit it. Because I kept telling myself, "You're normal. You have nothing to be upset or depressed about, so just get over it." That's the thing- I really don't have anything to be depressed about, but I am.

And I've learned that it definitely helps to talk about my emotions and feelings rather than keeping them bottled in. Whether it is confronting someone or just venting to someone else, it helps. It doesn't always solve the problem, but it helps.

I also have realized that I am suffering from Generalized Anxiety disorder, but, I will save those details for another time.

As for today's positives? Well, I have been walking without the help of a cane or anything else. And that is more positive than I could ask for right now.