Not because of any snowfall, gift I received, church service I attended, or any TV special I may have missed that I usually tune in to.
No, Christmas was different because of my depression.
Normally, at Christmas time, my heart is filled with overwhelming happiness and joy. Not this year. At least, it didn't automatically happen that way.
I had to search down and fight off the messages and unhappiness the depression was presenting with them with. It wasn't easy, but, I did that.
And I'm proud of myself. For being stronger. For not letting this physical illness limit the joy I was able to exude.
I'm happy to say, that I was, and still am, happier than I've been in the last few weeks. You see, when Christmas Eve struck, I used all of my strength to turn the negative inside me into something positive and joyful. Peaceful.
I allowed Christ's joy and peace to fill my heart, so much, in fact, that it was overflowing. Overflowing so much, that I had enough to share with others. I still do, as a matter of fact. Please visit with me.
And I thought to myself, "If I can do that for two days- why can't I do this for longer?" And so I am. I partially credit my medications, but I also credit myself. For being stronger. For not allowing the feelings of loneliness, unhapiness, hopelessness, and worthlessness get the best of me. For pushing them out of the way and allowing stronger feelings to step in.
It felt great. And I am still on track. It hasn't been easy, but, I'm managing. And I hope each day it will only get easier. Please pray that it does.
Christmas was wonderful. Because God enabled it to be. By providing me with medication, and strength, to overcome my illness. And I know He will continue to do that.
I've got a heart full of peace and joy. And I have enough to share.
The last few posts look like a real turning point. I know there is a lot of your journey before you even started the blog, but reading the very first posts, I noticed such a difference in your writing. I can't pin-point exactly what makes the difference, but I guess, to put some kind of analogy to it, the first ones seemed like you were climbing but from right down at the bottom, like of a well or something, and often it would be hard to grab on and keep climbing, and you couldn't really see where you were going. These posts at the end of December (I'm saying this not having read any further yet, so I guess it might turn around again, I don't know) have a whole lot more hope in them, like you're starting to see the light you're climbing for. And today? It's like you're way out of the well and dancing. LOVE the progress you've made!
ReplyDeleteYeah, I had definitely made notable progress here, but then it sort of slid back down hill when I got back to school..
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