Honest Answers

"How are you feeling?"

That's a question I've been getting a lot lately. And I find it extremely hard to answer. Because I don't think anyone wants the full answer. So my answers vary... 

"I'm alright."

"Pretty good."

"I'm doing better."

They seem to satisfy the inquirer, but, they're not by any means honest. You want to know how I've been feeling?

It's hard to put into words, but it almost feels like the sky is falling, and has left me in a pile of rubble, and I don't have the strength to push the stuff off me, and pull myself out from underneath everything that has been dumped on me. I know it sounds strange, but that's the best I can do. 

It's a feeling of the ultimate low- I've never felt anything like it before, so I don't have any standard of comparison. Yes, I've experienced pain before; yes, I've experienced rejection before; yes, I've experienced failure before; yes, I've lost a loved one before; yes, I've been sad before.

But none of those feelings compare to how I've felt lately. It's almost like the way I'm feeling is an "All of the above" answer. And it's hard to go about life when you're feeling an overwhelming feeling of being helpless, hopeless, and ultimately very, very sad. And I'm trying not to be a "Debbie Downer" and raining on everyone else's days, but, it's also very hard to put on a fake smile and go about my day as nothing is wrong.

Although, in reality, nothing is wrong; the depression just makes it seem like there is.

I have a tremendous hope that as soon as the medicines really, really begin working, this feeling will be lifted from me. Granted, they won't turn me into a "Happy Zombie" who will never be sad again- I will be able to feel proper emotions- sad at sad times, etc. But, they hopefully will eliminate this helpless feeling of pain on me. 

For now, it's something I've learned to deal with and learned that I am stronger than that feeling. And it's no strength of my own. Only God has provided that strength. It's seemed as though He hasn't at times, but now that I look back, He has always been there, carrying me through this.

And that's comforting.

Because, whenever I come out of this- or at least feeling better- and I experience trials in the future, I will have this experience to look back on and remember how God did provide in this hard time.

It has been a hard time. I know I've said this to a lot of people- not that I would ever wish these feelings upon anyone because I know how hard they are, I wish my friends could step into my shoes for just five or ten minutes, to get an idea of just how I am feeling, since it is so hard to describe.

In the meantime, I'll keep smiling. When you pass me on the sidewalk and ask how I'm doing, I may smile and say "I'm doing great!" - but remember, there is a battle going on inside of me. And I hope one day can answer confidently and honestly.

But for now, I'll keep fighting. I'll keep smiling.