Anxiety, Part One

I've sort of neglected writing about the GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) component of my illness.

There's a lot to it, I guess. And I'm sort of ashamed in a way about things.

Growing up, as early as Kindergarten, I suffered severe migraine headaches. They were so severe that I got really sick along with them. They came often when I got really excited about things. In fact, I never got to go along on a class field trip until second grade. Every time a field trip was happening, I had to miss out because I made myself sick because of anxiety.

I missed other things, like the Thanksgiving pageant at Kindergarten, the fire truck rides, the circus field trip, etc. I would get so anxious I would get a migraine headache and soon after begin vomiting. It was hard on me and unfair that I missed out on everything because of something I had no control over.

While I didn't get anxious about field trips so much when second grade rolled around, I still suffered migraines because of anxiety. It was in fifth grade that I sought medical help. The doctor didn't diagnose me with GAD, but gave me medicines for my migraines. Of course, they came, and I took the pills only after it was too late.

Fortunately, after middle school, I "outgrew" the migraines and my anxiety took different forms. I so much regret not seeking medical attention for my anxiety. It has always been there haunting me.

I haven't had a migraine for a while now, but, I can still get sick.

Now I have anxiety attacks, which are different from panic attacks. I just become extremely uncomfortable under certain circumstances and I want to scream. I start to sweat and shake. I am still entirely conscious of the situation. Most of the time, when I am experiencing them people can't even tell. I just become really quiet, or remove myself from the situation. I've had these for a long time.

And again, I've chosen to ignore them and just tell myself to get over it.

I guess I've also been living in a state of constant worry over EVERYTHING. I worry day and night about too much. When I laid down in bed at night, I would have a rewind of the day. And I would think about what I said in different circumstances and what I did wrong and what I should have done.

I would just become obsessed over things I had absolutely no control over and that was all I could think about. I can't remember ever feeling relaxed or at ease. Well, not before recently.

I also used to be obsessed with time and being early. I was always looking at the clock and I had a constant fear of being late and even on time was not good enough. All throughout childhood, I've had to be really, really early to everything.

And I think ignoring it, as I've said in earlier posts, is what brought me to my downfall and breakdown. And I know we can't look back, we can only look forward, but I still regret waiting to get help. And waiting until things got so bad that there was nothing I could do anymore.

Thankfully, because of ongoing therapy, many of the above symptoms are now under more control and getting much better. I finally can feel relaxed and not obsess over so many uncontrollable things anymore.

I realize now that it is a serious illness and I am so thankful that I am on medications now that are working to help me get over this illness I've been suffering from for too long now.

It's about time I got help.

Oh, I should also mention that much of the above information are things I have never shared with anyone. I'm ready now. It's part of my healing process. I'm glad I can share them with you, (whoever you may be), the reader.

I'm not quite done "purging" about the GAD, so another post will come.