Panic

After dealing with a rather tough last few nights, I thought I was stuck with nothing to write about.

Because nobody wants to hear about how miserable I've been.

Rather, instead, I'm going to write about panic attacks. I had to deal with about one a day for two weeks straight about seven weeks ago.

They were caused by my anxiety disorder, and I have them under control for the most part now.

They are, by far, the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced. Imagine yourself being chased by a man you don't know dressed in black, him holding a knife saying he was going to kill you. Multiply that fear and intensity by about ten and that's the intensity of a panic attack.

The very first time I had one I was alone, and I thought I was going to die.

A mental image came about, it was all white, and I was deserted by anyone that cared about me. I was all alone. And that's what set it off. The vision was so real, that I couldn't distinguish it between that and reality. I don't know that I would be able to if it were to happen now. It seems so real and so vivid.

That caused my heart to race, me to begin to hyperventilate, my hands and face became numb, and I had hand and leg tremors.

While I didn't really have any visions of drowning, I would compare the feeling to being underwater, you're about 50 feet below the surface, and you lose breath, and you keep swimming to the top, knowing you're not ever going to make it before you run out of air.

It really, really felt like I was dying. And it was terrifying.

And I think it was terrifying for those who were trying to help me. So much that it became exhausting for them. And when people were helping, I could hear them, feel their touch, and know they were there. But I still had trouble distinguishing between them and reality.

Thankfully, I have them under somewhat control now. I recognized what was triggering them, and I've learned to avoid that, and when it's not possible to avoid it, I use my coping phrases and skills to try and prevent it from happening.

I still do have anxiety attacks, which I will post about in the future.

It's not to say that I'll never have an attack again- but I do have more control now. And the medicines I've been taking have also made me more relaxed and able to take things in rather than getting worked up and overwhelmed by them.

If you were one of those people who either helped me through a panic attack or had to witness it, I can't imagine what you must have been feeling, but, please know that it meant a lot to me that you had the courage and patience to help me through it.

And if some day you are reading this and I don't know you, and you are having attacks yourself, I encourage you to seek help. They are terrifying and exhausting and the more control you have, the less likely they will occur.

Also, know that God gives you the strength to fight past it, and in my opinion, He was using the attacks to build me up to be a stronger individual. Because it feels like I've faced a lot of bad stuff and feelings now, and I know I was strong enough to get past it.

And I know I am strong enough to get past the depression and anxiety disorder. God will see me through it, upholding me with His righteous and mighty hand.