Thoughts, Voices, Memories

I have different thoughts, images, and messages that go through my head and cause different things, and for a while it was hard for me to sort everything out and distinguish the difference between each.

Now that I have a better understanding of the differences, I'm going to share some of them.

The worst thoughts I have are what the psychiatrist calls intrusive thoughts. These are images, pictures, that seem so real that I can't distinguish them from reality at hand. These are what initially caused my panic attacks. They are images like me being falling over, and a crowd sees it happen, but they all look at me and walk away, and I lay there helpless. They are so vivid, so real that it feels like I am in two different places- the place I am actually in, and the place I see myself.

In a sense, it feels as though I have separated myself from my physical body. It's so strange, and so hard to describe that it kind of makes me uneasy to write about it. I have learned enough coping skills and statements that when these randomly happen without any trigger, I can handle them without going into a panic attack.

Another thing I am fighting is self-talk, also sometimes I refer to it as "the voices"- I hear these voices inside my head, telling me things like "You're worthless" "You're a failure" "He hates you." "They don't care about you." They were very, very strong at one point, so strong, in fact, that it altered my ability to concentrate.

They are still there, and they are constantly "tormenting" me, trying to convince me that I am purposeless and a failure and that no one cares about me. They are also hard to describe as well. Unlike the intrusive thoughts, they are constantly there, sometimes stronger than others.

At one point a few weeks back, as my way of trying to cope with them, I began vocalizing them and repeating them as I heard them. They were so overwhelming mentally and emotionally that I tried to vocalize them as a way of releasing them. It didn't really work.

Now, they still get me down and feeling bad, but the medication is doing its job and they are becoming less strong, and I am learning to deal with them and be stronger than them.

Another thing I have is simply known as memories- and everyone has these. These do have triggers. When I simply see someone, smell something, hear something, etc. I can get a memory of something bad that has happened associated with that sound, smell, sight, etc.  And with my depression, I have a loss of control over my emotions in a sense, so I'm not always able to brush them off of my shoulder.

Sometimes when a bad memory is triggered, I just cry. Other times I get upset and fall into the ultimate low depressed state. It was also memories last week that were causing me to vomit impulsively and ultimately which caused me to have the self-injurious thoughts.

Thankfully, I am also learning to control my emotions and not let the memories make me lose control.

I should also point out that I do have good memories as well, which can brighten my spirits and make me happier.

As I sort through this, it's always nice to look back and see how things like the intrusive thoughts once had such a strong effect on me, and how now, I am getting better, and I am stronger than them.

God is ultimately a Healer who is working for our good.

I can only hope that one day I come to complete terms and understanding of that last statement.