The Start of Something New

No one really knows that I am starting this blog.

But I am starting it for many reasons- personal reasons, to look back, and reflect on how I've overcome a battle; and also for others to some day understand what it was I was going through; and also for others struggling with depression to understand that there is hope out there.

I wish I had started this sooner, because I've already come so far.

But, yet, there is still so far to go.

Today was my second visit with the psychiatrist. Coincidentally, I also had the urge for the very first time today to injure myself. It was scary.

I always saw TV shows on MTV or other reality networks where teens were interviewed about injuring themselves. And I can remember thinking "How could anyone be so upset that they would want to inflict pain upon themselves?" and today I finally understood that question as it became reality.

As I became so overwhelmed with emotion and confusion, I leaned over to a stairwell ledge to hurl myself over. I was able to stop myself.

As I walked on, the urge to somehow find a way to deal with the emotions I was having continued. I used my cane to beat myself on the head.

Did I learn anything? It hurts to injure yourself. All that was running through my mind was "Maybe physical pain will make the emotional pain go away."- It was an impulsive action, one that I didn't want to do, and I hope it never happens again. Because, well, it certainly doesn't help anything. It has caused much fear and regret, as a matter of fact.

They are considering putting me under partial mental hospitalization, a time during which I will undergo intense analysis, work with counselors, a psychiatrist, a dietitian, and other professionals who would work together to help bring me through this time. It's a struggle for me- if I continue having the urges, then I must go through with it. If I show improvement, it becomes an option.

And tonight I begin a new journey as I begin taking Mirtazapine, a drug that will hopefully act as a crutch to my other medication, Lexapro. Dr. Buda said today that I will only stay on Mirtazapine for 4-6 months to help the Lexapro get a move on working.

And now, I see a little light start to reappear at the end of the tunnel. It's nice.

And I promise to end each post with the positives that happened each day. Because depression makes it so hard to think of positives- even though they are right there.
-I was able to find transportation to Lincoln.
-I was able to reconcile with a friend.
-I was able to spend time with a friend who I haven't seen in a while.
-I was able to walk a short distance without a cane.
-I am blessed to be surrounded by wonderful, caring people.

And so a journey begins. And I know that God's love remains constant through all of it.

Dylan