Mood Swings

It's funny to notice how quickly a mood can change during depression.

I can be feeling happy, at peace, and content one minute, and then someone says something, does something, or I recall a memory, and suddenly, I'm down in the slums.

And that's what makes this so hard. Because I have no control over the situation. I don't want to feel that way, and I don't want certain things to make me feel the way they do.

But, they do, and that's reality.

And I must face reality and figure out how to cope with it.

I would compare getting these feelings to being sick with the flu- sometimes, you feel 'okay' as you lay there, and other times you feel like you need to go vomit. And, that 'vomiting' for me is the ultimate low feeling- the state of complete hopelessness- the depressed state.

What do I currently want to do in the depressed state? Nothing. I don't want to talk to anyone, see anyone, do anything, or hear anything. So I often just drop whatever I am doing- if I am in my room, I'll shut the light off, lock the door, turn my phone on silent, and lay on the floor. If I am in a public place and getting back to my room is not an option, I'll find the nearest quiet place/corner, go there, and face a wall.

What gets me out of those states? Often times, it's talking to someone. And that's hard to do when I shut myself off from everyone. But, I am so focused on being alone and getting away during those times that trying to get ahold of someone is not easy to do.

And that's what makes things even harder. Sometimes I do dig up enough self-determination to make the call to tell someone I need to talk. Other times I just sit/lay there for hours until the feeling starts to subside. And during those times I am absolutely miserable and unfocused.

So, I hope that eliminates the question, "Why is it that if you know talking would make things better, you don't call someone"- because my mind simply is strong enough to tell me not to. And sometimes, people are what 'cause' me to fall into a deeply depressed state. So I think, if a person did this to me, what's to say that another person couldn't do the same thing?

If anything, it's put limits on my trust. And it sucks. And it's hurt some relationships. And that sucks even more. But, I am trying to remember- God is the one in control, allowing this to happen. And God only allows things that are good for us to happen. So sometime I will see that God was the one orchestrating all of this, for some divine purpose that I cannot yet see.

In the mean time, my moods will keep swinging. People want to know what they can do... Keep praying, and keep encouraging. Please. I don't know that anyone would ever be able to completely understand what a simple Bible verse reminder note in the mail or on Facebook does to lift my spirits. I can't tell you. And it seems that since I'm walking again, people have sort of assumed I'm okay. And I'm not. A simple phone call if you haven't seen me makes me feel so much better. Because depression often causes me to think that no one is out there for me, and no one cares. But the notes, those ever so simple reminders are a big way to prove those messages and intrusive thoughts wrong.

And I continue to put my trust, my hope in God, who has the strength to melt a mountain. (Psalm 97:5)

Here are some good things that happened today-
-I got an A on my voice final/jury.
-I slept and felt relaxed
-I regained sort of an appetite and ate a lot at lunch.
-I had a productive session with the counselor.
-I drove myself to Wal-Mart.
-I figured some things out on my computer.