I've spoken about fear before. Two specific posts, in fact- in February and again in later February.
But fear seems to be an emotion that is encompassing me again.
I said yesterday that I didn't want to come back to school. It used to be completely the opposite- I couldn't wait to get back to school. Not yesterday. I was safe at home. I was safe.
Here at school- I don't feel safe. I feel afraid. Home seemed to be a way for me to "run away" from my problems- at least for a little bit.
I was safe from the mounds of school work and deadlines that mock me every time I look at my calendar book. I was safe from the pressures that tests, projects, and the like brought onto my shoulders.
I was safe from my enemies. I guess I'm afraid of what they're going to do next- resort to screaming at me, physical violence, or something else. I don't know what they could do. I'm not saying they will do any of those things (and I certainly hope they don't), but I still can't help but be afraid. It's not comfortable for me to always have to worry about what step they could take next. Someone said "Do you really think they would do that?" - Honestly, I don't know. I never thought they would turn their backs and treat me like this- but it happened. I just wish I didn't have to live in fear about what they are going to resort to next.
I was safe from other social pressures. I could be myself and do what I wanted when I wanted.
I was safe. And I was not quite so afraid.
But now I'm back here for five. more. weeks. And I'm terrified. I'm scared. I'm afraid.
But I remember Jesus' words on that Resurrection morning 2000 years ago. The words He said to Mary and Mary Magdalene still apply to me- "Do not be afraid."
Jesus bursts forth from His tomb and reassures me that it will all be okay. "Do not be afraid" He says.
When He appeared to his disciples, they were no longer afraid. After seeing the Risen Lord, they were now fearless and confident in their faith.
The Risen Lord still comes to me (and you!) today- and says "Do not be afraid."- And we, like the disciples, can become fearless and confident in our faith.
Because Jesus lives, nothing matters. The Resurrection of Jesus makes life worth living. And a life without fear.
Another one of my favorite Easter hymns (then again, which Easter hymn is NOT a favorite of mine?) goes like this:
This joyful Eastertide,
Away with sin and sorrow!
My love the crucified
hath sprung to life this morrow.
Had Christ who once was slain
not burst His three day prison:
Our faith had been in vain.
But now is Christ arisen, arisen, arisen
But now is Christ arisen!
We as Christians live in a joyful Eastertide- all sin and sorrow can be thrown away! Be gone sin! Be gone sorrow! Be gone fear!
I am going to replace my fear with the joy of the Eastertide.
Blessings:
-Many "welcome back" hugs!
-Time to nap!
-Mail in the mailbox!
-"We're really going to miss you this summer!" - Coming from some of the ladies who work in the cafeteria!
-Time to laugh
-Thankful to know I am loved and feel it.
I have a few post-its on my uni room noticeboard with verses on them, and one of them is something along the lines of (I can't remember the exact wording): "He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" STILL. The disciples had seen SO much and they had NO reason to doubt Jesus. But they still couldn't bring themselves to put their complete trust in him and to let him wipe out their fears. I think that just by going back (I know it feels like you don't really have a choice, but you DO, you could have just chosen not to go back) you're being courageous. You're fearful, sure, but you're not backing away from anything. I think that's something to be proud of.
ReplyDelete"Because Jesus lives, nothing matters. The Resurrection of Jesus makes life worth living. And a life without fear."
ReplyDeleteLove it.