Thank You Jesus

I knew it would be hard.

The pastors I worked with all told me it would be.

Because of this experience, reflecting on Jesus’ death has been hard. But so much more meaningful.

At tonight’s Good Friday Tenebrae service, I was in tears again. Because I related to Jesus on so many levels. And I was not really crying because of painful memories, but because I remembered how awful I felt- it being one of the worst experiences and feelings of my life. And Jesus felt that way too (probably much worse)- and He didn’t have to- but He did. And He felt that way for me. And for you.

Allow me to reflect a bit and make the comparisons (some of them I’ve mentioned before- but, tonight I want to include them all).

Disclaimer: I do not write this to somehow insinuate that I suffered as much as Jesus or went through what He did. Rather, my intent is to examine how I was able to relate on varying levels of some of the emotions Jesus felt as He suffered- and that’s what makes my appreciation for what He went through so much greater.

I can relate to Jesus as He became frustrated with His disciples. At Gethsemane, Jesus became frustrated with His disciples because they couldn’t keep watch for Him while He prayed (Matthew 25:36-46). The disciples were only human, and couldn’t physically stay awake. But Jesus became frustrated. Some of my friends reached their physical and emotional limitations in dealing with me. And I became frustrated. They are only human, and could only handle so much, but I still became frustrated and didn’t always understand (which I to this day am very sorry for).

I can relate to Jesus betrayal by Peter. (Mark 14:29-31)- Peter insisted again and again that he would never betray Jesus. And yet, when he was questioned, he said “I don’t know the man.”  Again and again, I was promised by friends (yes, plural, I am not singling anyone out despite what some readers may think) that “Oh no, I’ll never leave you. I will always be your friend. I will always be here for you.”  And after time, my “friends” fell short of their promises and I was left to feel betrayed.  It’s interesting, the other night at Praise there were different personas delivering dialogues to portray those with Jesus at His last days. As Peter ran off, he was cursing to himself, (and these words still ring in my ears)- “You don’t do that to a friend! You don’t betray a friend! You don’t turn your back on a friend!” –  I too, related on Peter’s side, because I myself wasn’t the most loving and sincere person- I in my own way betrayed my friends.

I can relate to Jesus’ prayer at Gethsemane- “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 25:39)  I prayed a similar prayer so many nights when I suffered from the darkest days of the depression. That was a frequent prayer of mine “Father take this cup from me! PLEASE!”  I became so frustrated when it didn’t happen the way I wanted it- but now I understand- and my prayer became “Thy will be done.”  My prayer is still, “Thy will be done.”

In various accounts, we hear of the physical torture and pain that Jesus experienced- yes, my foot is in a tremendous amount of pain right now- I can’t even imagine the physical pain coupled with the emotional pain and turmoil Jesus was experiencing. I have to say, I cannot even relate on that level because Jesus’ suffering was so much more severe than what I have suffered (or probably ever will suffer).

Matthew 27:45-46: From noon until three in the afternoon darkness came over all the land. About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”).-  On the darkest days of depression (and I’ve read other accounts of sufferers who have felt this way)- the pain and turmoil inside is so rough and tough that it did feel like God had forsaken me. I realize now He never had, but I cried that out on several nights at 3 AM when I lied awake in such distress and anguish. I wanted to die I was so miserable.

But now looking back, God did not forsake me. He brought me down so He could build me up and work good through my trials and turmoil.

Needless to say, tonight was so meaningful.

So if this experience happened so I might better appreciate what Jesus went through and did for me and because of what I have done wrong- then it makes it all worth it.

And I am trying to relate to Jesus on the next levels as well- even as Judas betrayed Him, He greeted him as “friend.”  Even as He hung on the cross, He prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”  And as a friend pointed out to me yesterday, even as He rose again, special mention was made to go and tell “the disciples and Peter.”

Father, please help me forgive others, just as You have forgiven us. Fill me with your compassion and mercy. Help me to love even my enemies. Help me to see them as friends.

Thank you, Jesus. For all you did for me. While I can’t really imagine what you have been through, I know how hard everything I went through was. And I can’t imagine it feeling any worse. All that you did for me. Out of love.

Blessings

-More hugs from my community!

-Receiving the Sacrament of Holy Communion again tonight

-Singing with my choir again tonight

-Letting my guard down and RESTING!

-14 Free Books!

Nails did not hold Jesus on the cross- His love for YOU did.