Blessed To Live

Last night I saw the movie Soul Surfer- for my friends reading this across the world, I am not sure if you are familiar with the movie, so I'll briefly explain it- it is the amazing true story of a girl who is very passionate about surfing. While out one day, a shark bites off her left arm, and she miraculously survives. She learns to live life without an arm- and learns that there is more to life than surfing, and she eventually learns to surf again. Her courage and determination was truly inspiring.

I almost had to leave during the movie, especially the scenes after the shark attack. I guess because it reminded me of too many raw emotions I have experienced in the last 6 months.

Yes, I almost had to leave because it made me sick to my stomach. Those emotions did, anyway, not the girl.

I remembered what it was like to be paralyzed with fear- to be so uncertain of your future and how your life can change in the matter of a few seconds. ... To not know WHEN I was going to get better, IF I was going to better....

I remembered what it was like to have people stare at me because I looked "different"- feeling like all eyes were on me. And to try to accomplish something on my feet on my own, but failing- and to be struggling in public and have others just stare and walk by. The girl in this movie was stared at, and when she dropped a bag of fruits in public people just looked at her with sort of an "I'm sorry" look... I wanted to smack them! It was like when I would be trying to open a door when I had my walker and then get through it, and people just passed by without offering to help.... That was so unnerving.

Her friend who went through the attack with her stayed a way for some time because she was afraid, and her memories of seeing her friend like that were too fresh and she didn't want to face her. I think that is part of the case going on with me with some of the people who saw me at my worst... Hers came back, I wonder what will happen with me...

At one point in the movie, before she loses her arm, she is at a devotional with her youth leader, and her youth leader tells the group about seeing things up close, and sometimes they don't make sense up close, but when you step back and look at them from the bigger picture, you can see God's hand at work and the picture makes sense. She goes back to the youth leader after it has happened and says something like... "Do you remember how you talked about seeing things from a bigger perspective?" and the youth leader says "Yes.." and she says "Well I'm trying to see what good is happening from this, and I don't understand why God would do this to me. Why did this happen?" at this point she is in tears (as am I, because it was so relatable), and the youth leader begins to cry and says "I don't know why. I wish I did, but I don't."

I still  have no idea what good works God is accomplishing through these trials. I still don't see things from the far away perspective. But I have faith that I someday will. And it sometimes makes me cry. And that's okay.

I have just started reading A Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp..... while intend to reflect on some of the content later, as I have just started reading the book, it is amazing so far, and I highly encourage you to purchase the book as soon as you get the chance. It will change your perspective on life.

So far, Voskamp has encouraged me to wake up each day with the attitude: Blessed to live, that's right, regardless the circumstances in life, we are blessed to live!

And the movie last night reaffirmed by attitudes- the soul surfer realized she was blessed to be living- regardless of the fact she had lost her left arm.

Regardless of the fact I have multiple mental illnesses, I am blessed to live!



It's been a few days, so here's some positives:

-"It's so good to see you walking! I think your story sounds like a book in the makings!"

-"Dylan, you let me know if you need me to do anything for you, okay?"

-"Come by my office for a visit any time!"

-Ice cream with a friend to take my mind off of things.

-Pizza party!

-Hugs, as always

-Beautiful weather!

-Sharing in the excitement of a friend today as he found out his placement.

-Sharing in the joy of another friend as she gave an organ recital (and did awesome!), which made me even more excited for my organ recital in June!

-The movie last night

-Trying to hold in laughter this afternoon.

-Doing homework that doesn't really seem like homework because I enjoy it so much

Yes, because of all these things, and all the other positives in my life, I am blessed to LIVE!