Seeking Peace and Patience

This morning I woke up and my foot hurt so bad that I went and saw the campus nurse after my first class.


I was hoping she would say "Oh that's a simple sprain, it will heal up quick."


No. "It looks like you've got a stress fracture."


I wanted to collapse. Break into tears right in front of her. And I also wanted to scream at God.


But I contained myself, bit my lip, and said, "What does that mean?"


After a long biological explanation which I really don't remember, somehow I overworked the muscles/bones in that foot and some bone is cracked. I am seeing the doctor tomorrow and she thinks they'll put me in a boot/brace type thing. While I don't like the thought of that, I would rather have it over crutches. At least with a boot, I wouldn't lose my independence.


The pain grew worse as the day went on. I told the professor I was having lunch with that I wanted to just break down and cry right there. She said "You go back to your room and you cry all you want. Let it out."


I could barely hobble up the hill, but I did.


Unfortunately, I didn't have time to let much of anything out. But I resumed the rest of my day as normal- with people's gasping reactions, very sympathetic, of course, "Oh no! Not again!" - I am already tired of telling what happened now. At least this is more of a common problem and I can say "Stress fracture," and they are satisfied with that answer- whereas the conversion disorder, I had to provide a long explanation after telling what happened.


Anyway, tonight, I started for my room and on the way back hobbling up the hill, each step sending a blast of pain through my foot, I lost it. And I started sobbing.


And I got into my room and let it all out. The tears are still streaming down my face. 


Why?! Haven't I suffered enough?! What more! It's not fair! It hurts so much! I don't deserve this! I don't know how much more a human being can handle. I'm already recovering from a previous battle, and I don't really want physical pain added to the emotional turmoil I'm enduring. .... etc.


I can't describe how much this sucks. I know I'm supposed to be a stronger person after what I've gone through, but this has just left me crumbled and trampled on. 


I got this text message from a friend this evening...  Though he stumbles, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand.... Psalm 37:23-24


I guess I can rest assured knowing that even though this is happening, and aside from a few faithful friends, my entire support system is gone, God still has me in His hands. 


As hard as this is, God is wrapping me in His love and care.


I can't help to think, "How long?" and "What next?"


On a more positive note, author Patricia Polacco wrote me a letter. I was blessed to meet her last fall before this happened, and I recently wrote her. While the entire letter itself is all inspirational, this part was especially meaningful...


Dylan, remember, all of this shall pass.... but the sting of it will remain. What is truly going to be a determining factor in your life is.... how are you going to use your experiences to help others?... For me that was the 'key'- to not ruminate on the indignities and insults I was going through, but to use the feelings in a constructive way to help others.... 


I would imagine that someday you'll be talking to some young student one day that will empty their heart out to you.... and because of this time in your life... you'll have exactly the right answers and advice for them...


I guess I have that to look forward to. In the mean time, things really suck. But I'm trying to keep my eyes and my focus on the cross, as I mentioned yesterday.


I have come so far, that I am not going to let things come crashing down now. If I have survived ALL of the pain and turmoil of the last six months, I surely can overcome this. Right?


And, here are blessings. Because, this is still the day the Lord has made. And I will rejoice and be glad in it....


-The letter from Patricia


-"My prayer is that you find peace."


-Someone e-mailed me to ask me if her friend could come to me for help and advice, and the e-mail said this, and it made me feel somewhat better... That I can use this experience to help... Here is the line from the e-mail:
 She said, "Really, he would talk to me?"  And I said "He is the kindest, most sincere person you may ever meet, and would use his experience to help others in a similar situation". She is very  impressed at how you have overcome your obstacles! 


(Yes! Of course, I will be glad to help this person whom I don't know. Blessed to be a blessing.)


-Prevailing through a group presentation this afternoon


-And teaching tonight- it was tough, I wanted to cry, but I held my composure and I got a perfect score on my evaluation- Guess teaching math isn't so bad after all!


Please pray for a speedy recovery from this, and patience as I endure the pain.  Thank you.