I Have a Problem

*Deep Breath*

You can do this...

Okay...

This is the first time I'm revealing this part of my illness to the blog community. I've alluded to it before.

I know it's nothing to be embarrassed about, because I can't control it, but still...

Along with severe clinical depression and anxiety disorder, I was also diagnosed with a mild form of OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). Please don't judge me for it. If you are going to do that, then please stop reading here and move on with your life and find a better way to spend your time. Put your energy into doing something positive, please.

Are you still there? Thanks for not judging me.

The OCD stems from the same problem that the depression and anxiety came from- the brain's level and production of serotonin.

While my case is very mild compared to some, I am still struggling- I do have obsessive thoughts which work me up.

And my compulsion? I'm sorry if this disgusts any one...

My compulsion is scalp picking. I've got a real bad problem. It's hard to describe unless you're "stuck" in it. I don't even realize I'm doing it- when I start getting anxious, the obsessive thoughts kick in, my way of coping is picking my scalp. It's like second nature- like breathing- it just happens. And I don't realize I'm doing it.

Some times it's worse than others. Certain times of the year I have bald spots toward the back of my head. In light of the problems of the last few months, I have 2 big ones right now. I do a pretty good job of mussing my hair until they are covered in the mornings.

Showers are the worst- the hot water stings the fresh sores every morning.

I sometimes find myself doing it in class, but it is definitely the worst when I am alone.

It's not to the point where it's ruining my life- but I would like not to do it anymore. And to not lose my concentration ability because of my obsessions. (And my obsessions range greatly- they can be about the smallest detail or the biggest problem)

So, I had to tell you that so I could tell you this.

Because the psychiatrist upped the doses on my medications- some people might say "Why? You're doing better"- Yes, with certain components, but in order for obsessions and compulsions to go away, you need a high dose of an SSRI. So now, my primary medication is now at 200 mg- the highest dose the human body can handle of that particular medication.

I hope no one thinks I'm weird or a freak or something because of that problem...

But, she and I are both happy with my progress so far, and confident that we will overcome the last of the problems I am still facing. Please pray that it does happen.

I've been having bad sinus/congestion problems because of the dramatic weather changes within the last couple of days, so I've had a bad headache and pretty much spent today trying to sleep it off.

I did have blessings today, they mostly just consisted of rest, study time, and encouraging notes, e-mails, and messages. Thanks everyone!

And blessings to everyone as we enter into Holy Week tomorrow.