Tears

One day I'm afraid I'll start crying and never be able to stop.

The author of Psalm 6 knows how I feel....

"I am wearied with sighing; Every night I flood my bed with weeping. I drench my couch with my tears." -Psalm 6:7

Bingo! He has my sentiments hit head on.

Everyday during this journey, I have cried at some point. Every. Day. The majority of the time it's when I am finally back in my room for the night and I can sit down and unpack everything that has happened. It's during times like that I can sit for hours and cry.

Sometimes it's in the afternoon when I feel overwhelmed.

Sometimes it's in the morning when I rise and I'm afraid to face another day like this.

Sometimes it's in public and I'm "done" dealing with everything.

Sometimes it's more than once during a day.

I am literally drowning in a sea of tears.

The incessant grief is almost comical, I imagine, to an outsider. "Suck it up. What do you have to be sad about?" I cannot explain it. There is nothing to be sad about.

But because of a biological/chemical imbalance in my brain, I am not functioning correctly and cannot control my emotions.

But, I will not apologize for my tears or feel bad about them.

Tears are a way of healing.

Tears are a release. Tears are sadness leaving the body, making room for joy.

And yesterday, a chapel message was too perfect for what I was feeling that morning. God finds ways to speak to me, as I've said before.

It's comforting to know that He has a giant tearcatcher, and he catches all of our tears, He knows our sorrows, He knows our pain.

When I wake up in the morning, after I had cried for several hours the night before, the drenched pillow or wetspot on the floor is dry.

My tears disappear. God takes them and says, "I understand. It's okay. I am here to wipe away your tears."

How comforting.

I hope that one day soon, that final tear will drop and it will mean that all the sadness and pain from this journey have finally left the body.

Until then, I'll keep letting all of my pain go through my tears. And I know God is there to catch them. I'm not embarrassed. I'm not ashamed. I'm healing.