The Blame Game

"The strong are not always vigorous, the wise not always ready, the brave not always courageous, and the joyous not always happy." -Charles Haddon Spurgeon

I often blame myself, beat myself up, and sit in a lot of shame.

I ruminate and think that I got this "illness" because I am weak... because I did something wrong... because I am insecure... because I feel unhappy.

I sit and scowl at myself, thinking, "Look at you. You're a mess. This is all. your. fault."

And then I sit and think of how I am not currently stronger than the illness. I think about what it's done to me and how it has brought me down to rock bottom.

And then I get to feeling even more depressed. Because I should be strong. I should be positive. I should be happy. At least, that's the jist I'm getting from everyone.

I think everyone would like to knock me upside the head, slap me across the face in complete frustration, and scream, PULL YOURSELF UP BY THE BOOTSTRAPS AND THINK POSITIVE!


I wish people would believe I would if I could, but right now I simply cannot. But no one really realizes how hard it is. And because everyone seems to be conveying that message, I feel guilty/let down/embarrassed that I am not doing what everyone wants to see.

As if I have any control.

I still am tormented by the question, "How's it going?" "How are you?"  I've learned lying about it doesn't help. I've just learned to simply say "Okay." or "Alright"

Inside I'm screaming "You want to know how I'm really feeling? Like complete garbage. I am suffering from an illness that is wearing me down and I should technically be taking the semester off from school, but I don't want to get a year behind so here I am fighting this battle and facing all the pressures of school. I feel worthless, I feel hopeless, I feel pain, I feel completely and totally without joy."

I know everyone means well, but, that question is a nightmare for me.

I don't think most people who inquire would even second guess that this is going on.

And they don't need to know.

I feel better after ranting about that. I put that quote at the beginning of this blog and right now, I know that I am still a child of God. I am still strong. I am still wise. I am still brave. I am still joyous.

I'm just pushing through a thick fog and it's hard to see those characteristics.

I wish I could dive inside myself, search through all the muck and dirt this illness has brought upon me, and pull out all of those qualities again.

I am not quite sure what the purpose of this post was. It feels good to rant about all of the above. I got it out. and I feel a little bit better.  Hey, I may have just cracked a smile. :)