Today I'd like to share with you a little bit how my mind works, now that I myself have a better understanding myself how I can't control my thoughts. I'll share a few scenarios and what happens to me when things like them happen:
I'm walking along a familiar street and I see a friend on the other side of the street. I smile and wave and the friend makes no response. The friend doesn't seem to notice me. The friend walks on without recognizing any sight of my existence.
How would you respond?
These are the kinds of things that go through my head: That friend just deliberately ignored me. I've lost yet another friend. What could I have possibly done to upset that person? Was it something I did? Was it something I said? I'm always doing things to make other people mad. What's wrong with me? Why don't I have more friends? I am so mad that the friend just ignored me. I feel guilty for what I just did wrong. I've just lost another friend and I feel lonely and sad.
See how the train of thought just seems to keep going and going, making me feel worse as it goes along? Pretty soon I become so wrapped up in those thoughts that I just want to sit and sob. The hard thing is, in those instances I lack control to really consider reality.
Reality probably was something like, the friend wasn't wearing their glasses or corrective lenses and didn't see me, or was preoccupied themselves with a goal in mind and not looking around.
Here's another scenario. You are sitting visiting with 3 of your friends and you found out they went out for lunch without you today.
How would you respond?
These are the kinds of things that go through my head: They didn't invite me. What did I do wrong? What did I say that made them not want to invite me? They must not like me as much as they like each other. Why don't they like me that much? What did I do? I must not be a very good friend. I'm always getting left out. I always have to call everyone else, no one calls me. It's not fair that they didn't invite me. I feel angry that they left me out. I feel lonely because they aren't really my friends, if they were, they would have invited me. I feel guilty because I must have done something to upset them.
Again the train of thought just keeps going, and a moment that I am having a good time with friends just turned into a nightmare for me and I want to leave these people.
Reality could have been they just forgot or didn't have time to call me.
Here's another scenario. I'm spending time with a friend in my room watching a funny sitcom or movie. It gets late and the friend leaves. I start straightening things up and getting ready for bed myself. I'm alone and suddenly a feeling of loneliness and sadness creeps up on me.
What would you do?
These are the kinds of things that go through my mind: Why am I feeling miserable again and dragging all this up? What happened today that made me feel like this? Perhaps I'm always going to feel this way. How will my life go on if these feelings last? How will I get on with people or a job if these keep up? Will I ever feel really happy? Why me?
See how much my mind starts spinning this web of misery and before long I am caught in my own web with no way of getting out?
Sometimes I get so wrapped up that I can't get out of the web; other times something like a noise next door or a cold breeze or something really simple can snap me out of it and bring me back to reality; other times talking to someone about anything can bring me out of the web.
Thankfully, the medications have worked in a way that I am able to rationally think about those situations and consider what really may be reality. However, they aren't perfect and neither am I so I still have some time and will probably be liable to get caught up again.
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