The Elephant

"What would you compare your feeling of pain to?"

As more and more people find out about my battle, I find that to be a common question.

I don't really have an answer or what to compare the feeling to, or make anyone come to any sort of terms as to what I'm going through.

I've had my share of physical pain. Falling backwards off of bleachers, landing 6 feet below and slamming my head on cement; being whacked with a golf club, severing off my eyebrow and having thirteen stitches put in its place; falling backwards into a bed of cacti and spending 6 hours in the emergency room having them removed from my backside; cracking my head open from running into a doorframe...

All of those hurt, a lot! They were so painful.

But, none of them quite to compare to this illness. I would take any of those over again a hundred times over feeling like I do now.

It's the worst feeling I've ever had. No physical pain, but, sometimes I almost wish it were because I think it would hurt me less.

I am still breathing, and my heart is still beating, but I'm suffering. Encompassed by total darkness.

Here are some things I would compare the feeling to... though, nothing really compares to it...
-Being smothered and not being able to find your way out
-The sky is falling and you're under the rubble and pressure trying to push your way out
-Imagine a fragile piece of glass, like a window, on your inside. Imagine a rock being thrown at it and it shatters, and there are a million shards stuck on your insides.
-The lump you feel developing in the back of your throat and you know you're going to cry- that's constant for me.
-Winning a race, being surrounded by millions of fans who have been cheering you on, only to have someone come up and tell you that you were disqualified
-Finding out you're responsible for tragedy
-Having someone who you care deeply about come up and kick you in the stomach and tell you they never want to see you again, and you're just left to wonder why.
-Being in the front in an auditorium, and hundreds of people you know are watching you, and you fail miserably at some task you are about to perform, and you know you have let everyone down.

I could go on, but, imagine all of those feelings wrapped up in one and that somewhat gives an idea of what I am experiencing.

And that's why it's so hard to "just get over" because it won't go away.

It's there, looming like a 1,000 pound elephant, everywhere I go. It's like that elephant is stuck with me and will not leave, no matter what I do. It's so large, heavy, and incontrollable, that I can't do anything with it. I can push it, kick it, scream at it, or perform other acts of violence.

And there it sits. I'm in my room alone, and it's right next to me at my computer desk.

I'm in the cafeteria and it follows me in and wants to eat with me.

I go to class and it stands right up at the front of the room with the professor.

I hang out with a friend and it wants to hang out too.

I cannot escape from it. It is always in view. Always there. It won't go away.

So, I must learn to live with that elephant. It won't go away.  I have to adapt my life to having this elephant following me.

And it takes time. It takes patience. It takes understanding.

But, the elephant becomes a few pounds lighter and less noticeable every time I get an encouraging note in the mail (Thanks everyone!!!), every time a friend offers a hug. Everytime someone says, "Hey, I've been praying for you." everytime someone sits down with me and just talks about life.

Thank you for your help in managing this "elephant"- I know he won't go away, but, with your help, and strength through Christ Jesus (Phillipians 4), I can make him less noticeable.