The Mask

I finally took my mask off.

When I fell ill and could no longer walk or hardly function at all, I finally took my mask off. I admitted I had a problem, and could no longer deal with it on my own.

At the top of this blog, it says "Ive struggled with... for several years without knowing it"

What did life in those "several years" look like?

It often involved me wearing a mask and hiding my emotions and feelings.

I was, entirely and completely miserable. How long have you known me? Would you have guessed, say, two or three years ago?

As I've said before, I knew something was wrong, but only within the last 6 months did I realize I had depression.

I just thought, I guess, over time, that the way I was feeling was normal. I know that may not make a whole lot of sense, but, I was chronically unhappy and hopeless. I thought it was something that was my own fault, something I needed to just "get over", and something that everyone was probably feeling.

I guess in high school and early in my college career it may have been more obvious. But only over the last year and a half or so I started really "masking" my emotions.

You may be saying, "But, Dylan, I saw you last Spring and you seemed very happy, like a genuinely joyful person."

Then, I guess I make for a pretty good actor. Because I honestly do not remember the last time I was truly happy and truly content. All the times I seemed happy, okay, or fun to be around, I was really not. I was just putting on a mask of happiness that would be enough to get through the day. Enough to satisfy my professors and peers.

When I could finally go back to my room at night and be alone, the mask came off.

And I would spend many evenings just laying in bed sobbing. When I had a roommate, I would either wait until he was sound asleep to begin severely crying, or just lay in bed while the tears streamed down my face.

And I remember I would lay there confused-  "What do you have to be unhappy about?" "Get over it!" "Why are you feeling this way? What is really wrong?"

And I had no answers for the questions.

I felt so hopeless, so alone during those times.

I read a quote today that said  this:  "Depression must surely be a first cousin to hell on earth, for in the midst of suffering the soul often feels hopeless and separated from God."- Dr. Beverly Yahnke

She is exactly right. The way I have been feeling is comparable to hell on earth. Sheer misery, despair, and upmost hopelessness.

And now, I feel happy again. And I don't have to wear a mask to show it. Because I'm slowly gaining control of my emotions, grasping on to the positive and rejoicing in God's grace every day.

I will never wear that mask again.