Ramblings

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."

Stephan Hoeller

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

Helen Keller

I wish I had some sort of reaffirming vision so that I knew a "pearl" was really being produced by these trying times! Right now all I see being produced is hardship and pain, and people tell me, "Oh, you'll come out of this a stronger person. People who come through depression are the strongest people you'll ever meet.'

Oh, really? Am I supposed to somehow be comforted by that? It is so hard to vision the future as being a strong, bold, individual when something like this has happened. And to not have any sort of time frame "You'll get better in a few weeks" ... Who knows how long this could take?

It's hard to envision any sort of bright, happy, delightful future in this state. I would love as much as the next guy a future promised with all the little frillies of life and sunshine and rainbows and smiley faces galore. I can't picture ever not feeling like this or what a bright future might look like. Things are so bleak.

In a recent writing assignment for one of my classes, we are considering what "colors" are days embody. Some people chose yellow or red or whatever color for whatever reason. For me, it was easy, and I don't have to change colors. I'm a solid, murky, hazy black. Other than that little candlelight of hope glimmering in the distance, my life is black right now.

And don't try and tell me "It's only black because you're looking at it that way and aren't looking at things positive"- I don't want to hear that from one more person. And I'm serious. I will explode if I hear that one more time. You do not understand how this convolutes your thinking and the way you view things. I am trapped in darkness and I am trying my hardest to get out. Unless you have been though this, you don't understand what it's like so please find another way to help beyond "Start looking at things in a more positive way." 

Many who suffer this illness find it hard enough to recover while they take a leave of absence to stay home and rest and relax. It's really hard to get over in that situation. I technically should be on a leave of absence from school so I can spend a few months going through therapy and without stress. 

But, I chose to give the semester a shot. I knew going in that it would mean trying to battle this exhausting illness coupled with the pressures of school, work, friends, etc. I forgot until I actually got about a week and a half into classes how tough it really is. And I don't know if I can do it. If I am strong enough. 

So I face some tough decisions, and I ask for your prayers in the days and weeks ahead. I face possible hospitalization. Taking the remainder of the semester and next semester off to resume again next Spring is a choice. Quitting school and never coming back is an option. Transferring or doing work online is an option to find a less stressful environment. Or I could keep fighting, trying to get better and trying to keep up with the demands from classes and friends and everything else. I don't know what I will do. I am asking for God's guidance and direction as I make a decision.

And I also ask for His patience as I look to see that beautiful pearl that will supposedly be produced on account of my suffering and trials. Where is it? Give me hope!