Environments

The memory is a powerful tool.

It can either be good, helping us to remember important information and such.

Or it can be bad, causing us to remember painful things that have happened in the past.

I was reading something within the last few weeks, and environments are one of the most powerful things for helping people remember things. A study was done with a list of words and facts and people underwater and above water. The people were given the list of words below water, and then they were asked to recall the words above water. Then they tried and see if they could recall the words below water again. Fascinatingly, most people could remember the words below the water but not above the water. They tried the study vise versa and found the results to be the same- when your memory is in an environment, it is able to recall certain things that you learned in that environment.

And I've found that has stood to be true with me, too.

Last night I came back to campus, and I was very much eager to be back. I was under the impression that I was better and many of some of the bad events I experienced in my room and other places on campus were behind me in the past.

But once I arrived and got settled in, I began being hit with memories. And it hurt. Because they were things I wanted to forget about and give up. But, there they were, taunting me and tormenting me.

And I'm still here and so many things can trigger a bad memory to come back. Don't get me wrong- I am thrilled to be back, and still glad I'm here, but, it's hard right now.

I wish I could figure out a way to remove the association of the bad things with places and things that I love.

I've been strong enough to work past all of it. And for that I am proud. But the question still lingers- "For how long can you stay strong? How long before something really causes you to snap?"

I guess I will find out. I hope that question remains unanswered and that I remain a strong, courageous individual.

You know, I am not going to say "I hope that question remains unanswered"- scratch that. I KNOW that question will remain unanswered.

Because I am so much stronger than this illness and I'm not going to let things get to me. I'm going to enjoy life and move on and keep those in the past.

As for the memories- well, when they pop up, I think I'll smile. I'll smile because I'll look back and see how unstable and sick I really was, and see how strong and healthy I am now and know that I've been able to move past it.