Not Ready

There is a certain degree of shame that goes with this illness.

I've kind of discussed it before, but, the reason why I have waited so long to get help is because of the shame that depression carries. 

It's sad that society views depression the way it does and why some people never get the help they need because they are too embarrassed to bring their problems to the doctor.

The way depression is portrayed throughout the media makes it seem like a mental illness, sometimes to an extent that it is the fault of the individual who is suffering, as if they should be strong enough or happy enough to overcome their problems.

And that's why it was so hard for me to ask for help, and even harder to admit to others that I have this illness. That's why I still haven't broadcast it and only a small group of people are aware of what's really going on. I'm not yet ready to admit to the world what's wrong.

What people don't realize is that depression is an illness just like heart disease, or diabetes, or whatever else comes to mind. And just like you wouldn't just wait for heart disease or diabetes to "get better" without medical treatment, depression does not get better without treatment. It only gets worse.

And, unfortunately, that's what happened in my case. It wasn't always as bad as me having thoughts of death or self-injurious thoughts. But it got there because I didn't get help. 

I was afraid of what people were going to think (I still am), I was afraid of being judged. I am afraid that people view me differently because I have an illness.

But, I know now that it is an illness. I did not get it by any fault of my own- it was biological. I am not psychotic, I am a normal human with an illness. 

And, I admitted to my problem. And I have good healthy means of therapy and medication to help me get better. 

But it saddens me to say that there are still many out there who turn to things like alcohol, drugs, or abusing others, or other things to help make them better. And they're only making the problem worse. 

I'm proud of myself for getting help eventually. And looking back to about a month or two ago, I never imagined I would be as strong as I am right now. But I am and I'm only getting stronger. 

So why do I still keep this "under wraps" if you will? Why haven't I told more people?

I'm not ready for that yet. I'm still working on the sharing this blog with one person a day pattern. That's been tough, but, it's helping me heal, I think.

So, thank you for listening. Thank you for understanding.

Whew! That was a lot of heavy stuff. Not as positive as the last post. So, here's something positive- Today in church, the sermon was titled something along the lines of "God's Who's Who"- Focused around the Old Testament reading from Genesis where God reminds Moses He is the great "I AM"- Pastor kept repeating, "I am God, you are not."- And I think somewhere along the lines of this journey, I forgot that. I was trying to do God's work. I know now who really is in control and who knows what's going on. And He knows what He's doing with me through all this. It was a nice reminder this morning.