What I Deserve

God continues to amaze me.

My recovery is one way, but another is how He uses whatever means and whatever people he can to get His messages across.

Two very dear messages were delivered last night at a praise and worship service.

The first gave me a surprise. The speaker informed listeners that our campus currently has the most severely depressed individuals it has ever seen.

Unfortunately, I am one of the people that fall into that statistic.

The text she spoke on came from Colossians 3. There, in verses 12-14 it says this:  Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

I can’t say that I’ve been especially full of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, or patience in the last few months. This monstrous illness altered my ability to think and a depressed brain was hard to function like that. Plus, I am a sinner and I’m not perfect.

But the speaker reminded people that these people, those that are severely depressed, need a lot of compassion, care, and love.

While I’m well on the road of recovery, I still need, and deserve, to be surrounded by people who love and care about me.

And I hated hearing that there are apparently a number of other people like this suffering. I can’t imagine what they are going through, but I pray that they are being surrounded by compassionate, forgiving individuals who want to see them get better. I wish there was some way I could find out who those people are and somehow offer support, especially if it’s not being given to them by friends because I know how hard it is.

The speaker did mention that it would be uncomfortable, difficult, and taxing. I cannot imagine what dealing with someone with me might be like. It had to be emotionally and physically draining and exhausting, But that doesn’t mean that I still don’t deserve love and compassion.

I’ve spoken to a lot of professionals and written about some of my experiences in my classes. One professor loved one of the pieces I wrote, and offered this comment:

“It bothers me greatly to read about the desertion of your friends. In my years of experience, the ones who are present are your friends (even when they don’t want to be), no matter the situation, the emotion, or the crap. I am praying that you will be able to have presence of these kinds of friends.”

A dear faculty member reminded me yesterday that “Situations like this help you weed out who is real and who is artificial. Who is really a mature adult, and who is too immature to handle something like this. Who is genuine and who is fake and looking for the glory of their own name. Who is a real friend and who is a jerk. There are sadly, people in this world who don’t deserve YOUR love and compassion and be involved in your life.”

I don’t mean to sound selfish/self-centered/demanding, but looking back at the hell I’ve been through and survived, I do deserve to have the presence of friends and people who are loving and compassionate and forgiving.

I told one of the professionals I am working with that people were getting upset, that I was attacking people or individuals in my blog. He went on a big internet scavenger hunt behind my back, found my blog, and read it, and assured me that everything I have been writing has been in a non-attacking manner, and in a very therapeutic manner.

I’m not writing any of the above about any certain individual or person. Because there are a number of people out there who have walked all over me, treated me like garbage, lied to me, and now won’t even make eye contact with me. While I definitely have moved on and gotten over it, part of me would still like to know exactly WHAT it was I did. What was it that you couldn’t handle? WHY?

I am starting to see in the light who is real and who is artificial. The people who have made it through the storm with me and are still speaking to me, willing to pick up the pieces and move on, forgive and forget, and resume a life with a healthy Dylan are starting to stand out in the crowd. And I am blessed to have those kinds of people in my life.

Because like I said, although I am feeling so much better, I still need a lot of social interaction and contact with people. I still need to be with people who love me. I still need a strong support system.

Anyway, finally, getting onto the second speaker… He showed one of my favorite music videos. I know I have posted the lyrics before, but this time I am posting the music video. The song came on, and of course it made me tear up, but, I unknowingly was singing along very loudly and it was meant to be a time of reflection.

The point being, that even though we aren’t perfect and we, and that includes me, all have our faults and shortcomings.

And because of the water Christ showers on us, we are more than any of that.