Really? Another Battle?

I’m doing the best I can.

I read what I wrote the last few days, and did a lot of reflecting.

I hate to admit it, but an aftershock from the earthquake has struck.

It’s nothing severe, but it did take me by surprise. I guess I just feel kind of blah. I don’t feel right.

I woke up yesterday just not feeling like I had for the last week and a half. And it sucks. I didn’t go to my first class. I just laid on my futon for an hour or so and just moped.

It’s not like I wanted it to happen.

I can’t help but feel disappointed in myself. People tried to tell me that “aftershocks” are going to happen.

But I can’t help it.

Someone today suggested that I need to be like an elementary aged student with a behavior chart and keep track with Smiley faces the number of good days I have and put a sad face for the bad days. The majority smiley face days would remind me that bad days (sad days) are only occasional.

It’s worth a shot, but, still, I want a chart with solid smileys.

And my mopey morning set the tone for the rest of the day. I went to my other classes, but couldn’t concentrate, and couldn’t do any schoolwork last night. 

And it sort of carried over into today. And I’m frustrated, because I feel like it should not be this way. Like I have in some way failed again.

And reflecting on the last few posts, maybe I haven’t done the best I could. Maybe I have failed. As a friend. Maybe I don’t deserve those kinds of people in my life.

I like to think that I’ve always done the best I could do…

But, if I did, would I not have had friends give up on me?
Would I not be facing other obstacles that I am currently?

Am I doing the best I can?

I don’t know. I’m wallowing in a state of confusion.

I’m bummed. I’m let down. I’m wanting this feeling to subside.

Something gave me chills just about an hour ago. I still have many quotes left in my therapy box, and the one I pulled said, “You might have to fight the battle more than once to win it.”

Appropriate? Yes. God at work? Yes. Comforting? No.

Because I’m just getting so tired of fighting this battle. Letting myself down. Falling back into old ways of thinking. Tired of being let down and mistreated by others. Suffering emotional abuse.

I pulled yesterday a quote by Dr. Seuss that I really, really liked too. It said, “I’ve heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some from behind. But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”

I thought for a little bit that I wished I had a big bat I could beat off every obstacle and everything that was getting in my way of getting better.

And then I realized, I do! I have God’s Word, and God on my side to help me through it.

But I just keep struggling having contentment in His Word and His promises. I have tried to tell Him that I am getting so tired of suffering and struggling. I know He’s listening, and I know He is working in His time.

Please give me a hug if you see me. And please say a prayer for me.

I hope to wake up tomorrow and the aftershock has subsided.

I’m going to go find people to talk to, who care.