Packed Away

I'm in a poetry mood tonight. I don't know why... Maybe it's because I've written 30 some pages of final papers within the last 8 hours and I want to get on a different writing kick... Here goes nothing... I apologize if it takes a rather somber tone in comparison to some of the joy-filled posts I've been giving. That's poetry, though...

Packed Away 

Eyes hang heavy
To scan the surroundings of the room

The room that's been labeled mine for the last nine months.
The room that will soon empty out as summer fills in.

Pictures in frames line the dressers and shelves,
Memories of good times and good people.

But they aren't real now. They are a memory.

A painting hangs on the wall. A birthday present from one who I thought was my friend.
It must come down, like the friendship.

And those cards. Those cards you made me.
A symbol of your care and concern for me.
They mock me now.
Those too must find a new home.

And that futon.
Where I laid and suffered through so many panic attacks.
It held my body as I convulsed.
And as I thought death was my fate.
As I shook with fear and anxiety.
As my breathing turned rapid
and sometimes didn't exist.

That futon. It held many others.
Who sat and talked with me.
Who expressed so much love and concern.

That futon. It's bare now.
You haven't come to sit on it in a while.
Nobody has.
Except me.

And the floor.
My comfort space.

Where I lay for hours in anguish
as I tried to make sense of the pain
and turmoil
that ripped apart my inside.
Like a tornado, demolishing everything in its path.

Where I lay for so long, longing to be with God.
Longing to leave that floor and this earth.
Because I was sure I couldn't stand the pain any longer.

But the floor. That too, is empty.
I picked myself up.

Life goes on.

We win and we lose. And life goes on.
Just try and stop it.

All of these things must be packed away.
They'll find temporary rest in cardboardboxes.

But my memories.
Those, I must carry with me.
For I've tried to boxthemup and putthemaway.

No box is secure enough to hold them.
They are precious.
They are valuable.

---------------------------------

It's mental health awareness week/month! Whether you have a mental illness or not, I encourage you to do something to advocate for awareness or encourage someone you know who is struggling. As I'm struggling myself, I'm encouraging those who I know are struggling as well. I hope that over time, mental health illnesses are viewed as illnesses like any other, and we can eliminate some of the negative images associated with mental illnesses. Also, that we can get rid of some of the discrimination and persecution that occurs with it. We God's beautiful creations, and we deserve to be treated that way! God loves each and every one of us!

----------------------------------

Blessings:
-Finished my 40 page research project! YES! YES! YES! I am so proud of the end result. Makes me look forward to writing a doctoral dissertation some day.

-And I finished another 10 page final! YES!

-As I went in to pick up my Primary Education portfolio tonight, the professor said something that filled me with so much encouragement. I don't post this to make it seem like I'm bragging or showing off, but rather as a reminder to me when I look back for encouragement:
"Dylan, you are going to be one of the most fabulous teachers when you get out there. Seriously. Looking over the work and lesson plans you've submitted, I am amazed at your skill and creativity. You really have a gift for this. Your students are going to be blessed some day."

-Strength to make it through another hard day.

God always provides. Always.