Tonight was the baccalaureate service for those graduating. It was hard to fight back the tears, seeing many friends and classmates in their graduation cap and gown. Tomorrow will be hard too. I should be graduating with them- but because of my program change, it put me a year behind. I wish I was with them- in a way... It was hard. It sucked. I don't know, after tomorrow, when or IF I will see those people again here on this earth.
Something in the sermon struck me. The Pastor read a letter from a friend who is in a poor country doing missionary work. Throughout the letter, this friend wrote on and on about bugs, lizard droppings, millipedes, etc. inhabiting her living quarters. The friend was not a fan of the rats and bugs to begin with. It was kind of funny to hear this missionary describe all of the ways insects were taking over, finding ways to kill them etc. Anyway- that was the WHOLE letter. Bugs and such.
But she ended the letter with...
"But Jesus loves me!"
Yes. Even after all of the bad, nasty stuff she went through, she ended with that note- "Jesus loves me!"
I wonder, if I wrote a letter about this school year, what it would sound like...
Here's a timeline of the events, to catch up some new readers/those who aren't clear.
Sept.- I began feeling "off"- knowing I definitely had depression, possibly something more.
First week of Oct.- I was on the homecoming court; I could tell something was way wrong with me.
Second week of Oct- I got worse and worse, and passed out and couldn't walk; was diagnosed with a conversion disorder by the medical doctor.
Third week of Oct- I was diagnosed with depression by the counselor; encouraged to see a psychiatrist
Late October- Still in a wheelchair and unable to walk; an appt. was made in November to see a psychiatrist- the earliest she could get me in. Meanwhile, I began suffering severe panic attacks.
Early Nov.- Panic attacks became more frequent; depression turned manic as I began hearing voices; I moved to a walker after being in a wheelchair for 10 weeks
Late Nov.- Finally got into the psychiatrist; realized I had lost nearly 20 pounds; she diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Severe Clinical Depression; gave me medication
I went home for Thanksgiving; moved to a cane; panic attacks and voices subsided
Early Dec.- Saw the psychiatrist and she added on a 2nd medication
Mid Dec.- Was able to walk without a cane; went home for Christmas
Early Jan.- Back to school; I knew the depression hadn't gone away, but I told people it was,
Saw the psychiatrist again, she raised the dosages and diagnosed me with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as well
Late Jan.- I began self-injury; depression got more severe
Early Feb.- I had a major meltdown; immediately went to the psychiatrist; my close friend basically shunned me and cut me out of his life, as did others
Mid Feb.- I began new medication; got sick because of it; I stopped self-injury (haven't done it since!)
Early March- The said friend recruited more people to turn against me; I began to notice the darkness lift
Late March- Improvements were continuing; anxiety medications were added
April- The depression got better every day.
May- Here we are! I have kicked the depression in the butt and WON the battle. Still managing some mild anxiety issues and working to kick the OCD in the butt too! WOO!
Oh- and JESUS LOVES ME!
That was a very, VERY watered down description of the year- I will put all of the above into complete details in my book, which I hope to finish this summer and publish.
But, yes, Jesus Loves me. Even though it has been the hardest year of my life, Jesus loves me. That cancels out all the negative.
Yes! Yes! Yes! :) I don't know where I would be without my faith. And if I can conquer all of the above, surely I can handle any other challenges God may lay before me. Because Jesus loves me.
Blessings:
-I have SO many invites for dinner/food during May term the next three weeks- I am looking forward already to all of the fellowship and fun the next few weeks are going to bring!
-Beautiful music at the baccalaureate service
-Ordering books on Amazon
-Packing and smiling at being able to find good memories through the year
-An "IHOP" run with lots of laughs.
Oh.. and Jesus loves me!
Your blog makes me happy and sad at the same time.
ReplyDeleteUgh, I wrote a comment & then the page crashed. Here it is again, as far as my memory permits:
ReplyDeleteI don't think I'd ever really realised how quickly all this happened. I'm no expert on depression, but your progess seems remarkably & amazingly quick to me! From paralysed to walking unaided within a couple of months, and to have come SO FAR against the depression in the space of a school year, despite all the other stuff going on? Amazing! I've said it before, but I'm so proud of you, Dylan!
And Jesus loves me, yay! Thanks for that reminder today, I needed it :)
Thanks! :)
ReplyDeleteAnd Anonymously Me- Aw, don't be sad! Be happy! Yeah, it's sad that I had to go through it, but I am so happy that I have conquered so much! There is so much to be happy about! :)