One of the biggest struggles I had last year was that I felt everyone else's feelings.
Okay, that might not make sense. When someone that I loved had problems, whether it be friend, family member, coworker, professor, etc. I often was so empathetic that I took on their feelings.
It's just who I am- I can't help it. I love helping others. When I sit down and listen, I do so with great empathy. When someone cries, I don't become a shoulder to cry on- I cry with the person. When someone is screaming for joy, I'm jumping just as high as they are.
But, taking on so many other people's emotions and feelings left little room or space for me to consider my own. And that was one thing that I had to learn to get over in counseling- to stop taking on other's emotions and feeling them as if they were my own.
I know it's not something I intentionally do... It just happens. And I have known that since it was contributing to my own problems, that I really wasn't getting much better at it.
But it just took a plummet this weekend with my sister. I mean, I was already feeling very sympathetic for her because of her upcoming surgery (which is happening in early November, by the way). I know what it's like to be in a wheelchair- life is harder. And I don't want to see her go through that. Especially in high school. But then she had her accident yesterday.
And on the way down there, I was teary-eyed. Because I felt so bad for her. She was a little 16 year old, scared, uncertain, confused, and worried. And I know what it's like to feel that way.
And when I saw her- and heard her terrified voice on the phone- I felt all of those emotions all over again. And some are still looming with me.
I love being able to help people. I love being able to share and use my own experiences to help others. But I wish that when someone else was struggling, when someone else had a heartbreak, or a confidence crusher, that I didn't begin struggling, my heart split, or my confidence crushed. I want to help- and I want to listen-
but I don't want all of those feelings to happen to me.... God gave me a gift of being calm and being a good person to talk to... And I want to use those gifts... But I can't take feeling the heartache and emotions of others all the time. It happened more times this past week than it has in a long time, and it's taking a toll on me.
Does that make me a bad person? Is it okay to be empathetic? Is it okay to want to help- and to be there- but not to take on other's emotions?
I'm frustrated with myself for feeling so bad for these people (my missing cousin, baby Jonah and his family, my sister, etc.) - but at the same time, I know I've done what I could do to help, and I keep praying.
I just wish I could help people without feeling their pain as if it were my own...
Crazily enough, we talked about this in Interpersonal recently! One of the points made was that it's OKAY to be empathetic. But you have to decide which people to really help, and whose "problems" you don't want to get into. Like, she gave the example of how she was asked to help someone with something, but couldn't, at least not at that moment, or not as well as someone else could. So she suggested a different time, or another person to talk to.
ReplyDeleteI'm incredibly empathetic as well--my dad pointed it out to me several years ago and I've noticed it a lot since then. But it's too exhausting to help EVERYONE with everything. You have to kind of pick and choose--and make time for yourself as well.
Empathy is not a bad thing. In fact, someone I know once pointed out that empathy is one of the character traits of a good leader...
Not everyone can feel empathy. It's a special thing. I'm learning to accept that it's how He crafted my heart, and how to kind of ... I don't know, I guess turn it down a little, and not be so much empathetic as sympathetic? Anyway, it's something I'm working through myself.
I was just thinking about this yesterday. It's really interesting to hear your struggles from that side of things, because I am the exact opposite, and I hate it. I'm entirely sympathetic to everyone and I worry about everyone and want to help everyone and try to pray about everyone, but I rarely feel the pain of anyone. Yesterday I was praying that I would start to because I feel like there must be something wrong with me because I don't - like I don't care enough. So it's really interesting to hear that you struggle just as much with the other side of this.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure there can really be much of an in-between. Surely we either do or don't literally feel it. As Becca said, it's about learning to work with how we've been made. And we've each been made a certain way for a reason. Don't see this as a weakness, Dylan!
Dylan,
ReplyDeletePraying is one of the most proactive things you can do! Jesus felt real compassion for people, and so feeling other peoples pain can't be all bad. On the hand, it's hard to remember that we can't do what ONLY God can. This is a struggle for me also. May I caution you about being careful not to beat yourself up? That is huge struggle for me too! Who you are, and what you struggle with are 2 different things!