Trying To Feed The Right Wolf

Sometimes, I'm guilty of feeding the wrong wolf. Here's what I mean...


One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. 
He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

"One is Evil -  It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

"The other is Good -  It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Maybe when life is hard, when things stink and when I feel down, it's because I'm feeding the wrong wolf. It's just something to think about...

I also came across this statistic today from TWLOHA.... I am glad I am not alone...

"About 11.6% of college students were diagnosed or treated for anxiety in the last year, and 10.7% were diagnosed or treated for depression, according to a survey of more than 100,000 students at 129 schools conducted by the American College Health Association."

Don't Forget This Day

Why is it that when bad days happen, it's so hard to lose sight of the amazing days?

I know I've posted about my "best day ever" philosophy- and I've been trying to stick with it. But I still feel like some days ought to be slapped with a gold medal saying, "It doesn't get much better than this!"

Today was one of those days. And when I am having a day that it's hard to be happy or joyful, I want to remember the blessings I was given today. So here it is, for my records. Remind me of this day should I get grouchy, okay?

-It was the last day I had teaching literacy to first graders. I am in awe of how much I grew and learned from them over the course of the last 16 weeks. Each one of their 18 smiling little faces has touched my life, challenged me as a teacher, and taught me something I won't soon forget.

-I did receive a lot of notes from them, hugs, and there were even a few sobbing at the end of the day when it was time to say good bye. It means I must have done something right, I think?

-One note that I now have on my wall said (I corrected spelling/phonics errors):
I will miss you. Have a good time. I hope you think of me. I love you.
(Doesn't it make you just want to say, "AWWWWW!"?)

-I began communicating with my NEW cooperating teacher. Can we say excited about the blessings that are to come beginning with my new teaching position in January?

-My co-op from this last semester gave me this amazing card, and a children's book for a gift. I have to share what she wrote:
Dylan,
I can't tell you in words how much it has meant to me to work with you this semester. I really believe I have grown as a teacher through working with you. My husband said, and I so agree, that God should give you a call close by, so we can continue to share and get together to talk sometimes. I know God has great things planned for you, and it is my privilege to call you a friend!


-I also got this in an e-mail from a friend:
Dylan, I love you to death and back!!!!


-This evening, upon return I did Insanity with my best friend and then we decided to have some fun. He has amazing subwoofers in his car, and I had just made him a new CD. So we went out cruising. It's like a feeling of ecstasy when you're out on the highway, cruising, and the bass is vibrating and shaking your soul. We ended up back at Wal-Mart, where we strolled around, sprayed some cologne, and went back and pumped the bass of the car even more. It was so much fun, and we got back on campus, rolled down the windows and tried to show off for the ladies :) . Not sure it was successful, but we had a lot of fun doing it!

God is amazing! The people in my life are amazing! I am blessed! It's the best day ever!

A "See Through" Me

I wonder how many people can see right through me.

I’m sure, if they really look hard, put on their spectacles, and take a good scan, they can see right through me.

The question is not whether they can see through me, the question is “what can they see?”

Sometimes, I can see a person’s distress. I can tell they’re having a bad day, I can tell they’re emotionally worn down, I can tell they want to give up, I can tell when they’ve been hurt. Because I can see right through them.

And the question is, what do I want them to see when they look right through me?

I would want them to see Jesus. I want to reflect Jesus in everything I say, do, don’t say, or don’t do.

I think that often times, all these people need is a song. Or a handshake, Or a hug. Or an “I love you.” or “I hope you’re having a good day.” or a simple “How are you really doing?” to make them feel better.

At least, sometimes, that’s all I need. I have those days too. I have the days where I’m down, I’m in deep distress, my emotions have overcome me, and all I want is to see Jesus.

And then there’s the friend who so graciously embraces me with a hug and says, “It’s good to see you.”

Then there’s that friend who gives me a big smile and says, “How’s your day buddy?”

Then there’s the one that just pats me on the back when walking by.

And I see Jesus through them.

And I want people to see Jesus through me. I want to give my heart to love someone in distress. I want them to know that they are precious and honored in the sight of God. And I want them to see that through me.

A Post for angelonwheels (and you, too!)

angelonwheels posed a few questions for me in my last post- I e-mailed them to her, but I want to share the answers with all of you.

May I ask you do you still struggle with thoughts of SI?   

Not really. Even for a time after I stopped in March, I always put it on the backburner as an “option”, but now when I feel frustrated or worked up, the thought doesn’t cross my mind. I’m going to be honest- it felt so good at the time, but now that I look back and see how many people were hurt because of what I was doing to myself, I realize it was never worth it. It helps to have an abundance of replacement behaviors available that I know will work.

You are so much more open about your journey than me, and I admire that so much about you! I have come along way too, but I often wonder will it ever not be a struggle for me. Do you have any advice for those who have been where you are or were? 

 4 words to those who are where I was= DO. NOT. GIVE. UP. Never. I still have a giant graphic as my desktop background that says “Never ever give up.” Believe me, I know how hard that sounds, but cling to those words.

With God, you can do it. He is on your side. Always find comfort in that. You are not alone in this. There will be people who walk in and out of your life- some of them wanting to help, others wanting to destroy. You may think that those who want to help are there to help, but you will never find in them what you can find when you look to God for help.

Is your family understanding about your journey?  

Good question. Yes and no. It’s really hard to wrap your mind around unless you’ve actually been there. And none of them have had depression or anxiety, so it’s hard for them to understand. And I understand that. They initially thought it was something that I just needed to “get over,” but they eventually realized it was a problem with a complex solution. I know they pray for me, and that is the best thing they can do.

All in all, never forget the world can see Jesus through you! He says, "You are precious and honored in my sight and I love you." Nothing else matters! 

If you have any questions about my journey in the last 15 months, feel free to ask in the comments! I do not mind sharing and helping!

More on my current life update in tomorrow's post....

On The 365th Day

Can you believe it?

I've been blogging for 365 days. Yep. Today's the 365th.  While, as of late, I haven't blogged every day since December 7 of 2010, I have for a lot of them.


And today, my friends, is the 365th day.


I know I won't have time to blog tomorrow, the actual "anniversary" if you will, of the day I started blogging, but below are the italics of the first blog post I ever wrote, followed by my thoughts now in bold, and then some reflection again later:

The Start of Something New

No one really knows that I am starting this blog.   Now, a LOT of people have found the blog, and I couldn't be more happy that they did. 

But I am starting it for many reasons- personal reasons, to look back, and reflect on how I've overcome a battle; and also for others to some day understand what it was I was going through; and also for others struggling with depression to understand that there is hope out there. I know I've achieved one of those goals- reflection. WOW, have I ever overcome a lot.

I wish I had started this sooner, because I've already come so far.  

But, yet, there is still so far to go. I had no idea...

Today was my second visit with the psychiatrist. Coincidentally, I also had the urge for the very first time today to injure myself. It was scary.  Yesterday was probably somewhere around my 12th visit to the psychiatrist. Such a different visit yesterday than the one it was a year ago. I don't remember the "first time" urge to injure myself. That's been wiped from my memory.

I always saw TV shows on MTV or other reality networks where teens were interviewed about injuring themselves. And I can remember thinking "How could anyone be so upset that they would want to inflict pain upon themselves?" and today I finally understood that question as it became reality.  I do remember pondering this. 

As I became so overwhelmed with emotion and confusion, I leaned over to a stairwell ledge to hurl myself over. I was able to stop myself.  =0  I am soooo glad I was able to stop myself! Would I be here today if I hadn't?! 

As I walked on, the urge to somehow find a way to deal with the emotions I was having continued. I used my cane to beat myself on the head.  I don't remember this. I know it happened because I remember events that happened AFTER it happened- as in, the effects of the cause.

Did I learn anything? It hurts to injure yourself. All that was running through my mind was "Maybe physical pain will make the emotional pain go away."- It was an impulsive action, one that I didn't want to do, and I hope it never happens again. Because, well, it certainly doesn't help anything. It has caused much fear and regret, as a matter of fact. It did happen again. In a different form. But, I have gone now almost 9 months without any of those thoughts. THAT is a victory. And a tremendous victory, if I might add. 

They are considering putting me under partial mental hospitalization, a time during which I will undergo intense analysis, work with counselors, a psychiatrist, a dietitian, and other professionals who would work together to help bring me through this time. It's a struggle for me- if I continue having the urges, then I must go through with it. If I show improvement, it becomes an option. That never happened. It came so close twice in February. I am proud that it never DID happen, because I proved that I was strong enough to come out of this only with the help of God and my own personal strength. I can't help but wonder what life would be like if I HAD gone. 

And tonight I begin a new journey as I begin taking Mirtazapine, a drug that will hopefully act as a crutch to my other medication, Lexapro. Dr. Buda said today that I will only stay on Mirtazapine for 4-6 months to help the Lexapro get a move on working. I am currently off of both of those medications for a number of reasons.  I went off of Lexapro in February and Mirtazapine in June. 

And now, I see a little light start to reappear at the end of the tunnel. It's nice. That light has become a FULL BEAMING SUN BABY! :D WOOHOO!

And I promise to end each post with the positives that happened each day. Because depression makes it so hard to think of positives- even though they are right there.
-I was able to find transportation to Lincoln.  This was a big deal, I remember, because my ride stood me up and I was not physically able to drive myself yet. 
-I was able to reconcile with a friend. Don't remember who this was or what happened.
-I was able to spend time with a friend who I haven't seen in a while. Again, same as the above.
-I was able to walk a short distance without a cane. What a victory that must have been! 
-I am blessed to be surrounded by wonderful, caring people.  Not sure who I was referring to here either.

And so a journey begins. And I know that God's love remains constant through all of it.  You know what? The journey isn't over! And God's love REMAINS CONSTANT STILL 365 DAYS LATER. Isn't that totally awesome!?

Dylan

Amazing. Just amazing. Not what I went through, but what I was able to overcome. Here is what I would say is going on in my life right now:

I am so glad that I started this blog. It has connected me to people all over the world, those whom are known followers, and those who read whom I may never know read or obtained help from my words. And that's okay.


Things have changed. Never would I imagine things would have taken turns in the way that they did, but they did, I have mourned, I have coped, and I have moved on with my life.


My psychiatrist and I had a long visit yesterday, and after thoroughly contemplating and discussing some things, we are adding one medication to my mix and removing another. Tomorrow, I will begin taking L-methylfolate.  I think it will be a change that will make things even better and remove just a few tiny issues from what's going on. Nothing serious, but hopefully something that can be changed. I am at peace with the decision to switch, and I pray that it is a change for the better and we don't totally throw something out of whack in the process. God is faithful, however.


Here are some good things that are going on NOW: 
-Lots, lots, lots of joy. So much, in fact, that when people on campus say, "How are you?" I say, "I am so blessed right now." And it's true. And it feels so good that I can say that with a proud smile and a boost of confidence.


-The BESt mentor on the planet. She has blessed my life in more ways than I could ever describe.


-The BEST friends on the planet. How did I miss out on these people being in my life a year ago? I believe that God allowed the previous "friendships" in my life dissolve so I might experience His love through these other people. They have touched me more than is imaginable.


-I have an insatiable desire to learn new things, research, and methodology for reading instruction. I cannot wait to begin pursuing a Master's and PhD.


-I now have well over 1,000 children's books. Just throwing that out there.


-I had the most amazing cooperating teacher and I am thankful for our continued friendship.


-I have been BEASTING the Insanity workout! I thought I would have given up after 4 days, but we are rolling into Day 8 of the program and I am still going strong and I look forward to that part of my day, every day.


-It's Christmastime. Enough said.


-On my way back to campus from teaching today, I realized I can crank the bass of my vehicle up to a +8 level. Can you say bumpin'?


-WOOHOO! :D

Good News

I want to share with you a portion of an online devotion I read yesterday by Dr. Ken Klaus....

I've got good news and bad news.

Although that expression is often a fact of life for many of us, for Stacie Crimm it was a definite reality.

The bad news was Crimm had been told she couldn't have children. Period. End of reading.

That is why at the age of 41 she was surprised to find out she was pregnant with the child she had always wanted. You see, I told you there was bad news and good news ...

and bad news.

That came when, a few months into her pregnancy, Crimm was told she had cancer of the neck and head. For her there was a choice. Either she could have the treatment that would save her life and end her unborn child's life, or she could try to carry her child and forfeit her chance for a long life.

I would not hazard to ask you what you would do. You already know what you would do.

Instead, let me tell you what Crimm did. She opted to forego the treatment and give her child a chance for life.

Stacie Crimm died on September 11th. Before she did, from a hospital bed, she had the opportunity of holding her tiny, baby girl -- Dottie Mae. 

No matter what you may or may not have done in this lady's place, the truth is this: one person died so another might live.

Wow! What a powerful testimony. You know, yesterday I was having a rotten afternoon and evening. I was frustrated about some things, confused, busy, over-tired, and frankly, it was one of the times where I threw my hands in the air and said "I've had enough!" 

It happens to you too, right?

I'm sure it happens to all of us. It's part of living here on earth. There will always be times where we say, "I've had enough!"

But the truth is, with Christ, the one who gave His life so we might live, brings us peace, rest, certainty, hope, and a future.

Things on earth will leave us defeated, flat, and belly-up, thinking we've had enough.

Christ will leave us fulfilled, victorious, hands in the air in praise saying, "God you are more than enough for me!"

Isn't that good news? As Crimm gave her life up for her baby, Christ gave His life up for you. Live in that promise! Rejoice in that hope! Thrive in that truth!

While my day started out rotten since I was vomiting from dehydration last night (my medications cause my body to get dehydrated, remember), and unless I take care of it, I suffer. And I did suffer. Instead of moping and thinking it wasn't fair, I changed my attitude, dealt with it, and decided to think about how awesome God is and how blessed I am.

Today I got to do a favor for my best friend, got 70 FREE children's books, saw my co-op and got to chat with her a bit, completed day 4 of insanity, and got big hugs from my 2 best friends. Also, the director of elementary ed here told me she hopes I student teach kindergarten next semester so her daughter will be blessed to have me. What an HONOR! It was the best day ever, and I'm thankful. Even if I was dehydrated. Because good news always trumps the other stuff.

Happiness Is Noticeable

I was having lunch with my mentor today. When she first sat down she said, "So, you're normally a happy person, but the last week or so, you've been extremely happy. What's up?"

I was just bursting by that point. I just said, "I am just one of the most blessed guys on the planet and I have so much to be happy for, I can't help but show it!"

Cheesey, right? But it's true!

For instance, let me just tell you for a few moments why today was undoubtedly the best day ever....

I woke up, 6 AM. I had in mind, "I get to see my first graders today!" I met up with someone for a brief, but fun breakfast beforehand, and I was on my way.

I was greeted with so many "Mr... ! " and then they ran up and hugged me. I got to conference with writers, do shared reading, and then do guided reading groups. It was all so awesome!

I also got to chat with my co-op a bit and we became hysterical, I love it when that happens!

...It's going to be a while before I get to bed, I am on such a happy high...

Anyway, then went back to campus and caught my mentor just in time for lunch. I got to talking to her, and I was 19 minutes late for class because I lost track of time, but it was well worth it, though I got a bit of a scowl for being late.

Anyway, after class I picked up a book that I had been wanting to read from a professor, and then met up with someone else who gave me the CDs from the Pastor I had been waiting for! I played a few tracks, and I had chills going up my spine it was so powerful! One of the best, most inspirational pastors I have ever heard!

After that, I ran to pick up my prescription and I ran into my mentor AGAIN at the store! We chatted for a few minutes, and I was on my way.

Then I got back to campus, had dinner with my best friend, and then we did our 2nd day of Insanity. Whew! What a work out! My legs are killing me, but in 60 days it will all be worth it!

Then we went back to my room and listened to a few more messages from the CDs. We both talked for a while how awesome heaven is going to be and how blessed we are to be God's children.

Then we had a dodgeball game... and, we as a team just decided we're in it to have fun... AND WE WON!!!!!! Couldn't believe it.

I am loved, and I am valuable, especially in God's eyes. That's all that matters, really.

Time for some Advent devotions... :)

Slow Down!

I can't even begin to count statuses on Facebook that say something like..
"THREE WEEKS TIL I'M HOME AGAIN!"
upon returning to school after break.

Don't get me wrong- home is an exciting thing for most people, and that's perfectly okay!

There are other statements like, "28 DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS!"  "4 DAYS TIL MY LAST CLASS" etc.

Let's be honest here. Advent, a time of preparing for Christmas, should not be rushed.

It should be a time where we slow way down. Way, way down.

One of the most important days of the year is coming. Let's not forget what that's all about.

It's fine to make countdowns, and do Advent devotionals that correspond with each passing day, ending at the final day, Christmas. But use them as a tool to stop, reflect, and count and enjoy the blessings of each day.

Don't let the rush of society's Christmas, countdown to the next big thing, etc. stop you from reflecting, preparing, and waiting each day for Christmas. Slow down. Reflect. Relax. Enjoy. God's got some exciting things in store. Don't miss out on the things that happen in the mean time.

I hope this doesn't appear contradictory to anyone, but, I put up my Christmas tree upon getting back to school. Not much, but it sets the mood. I was just sitting here, looking at it. Enjoying, reflecting, and thinking about how blessed I really am.

Where Does it Come From?

I have been listening to a lot of Christmas music. After all, now that Thanksgiving is over, 'tis the season. Right?

One song that has been coming on and on again is "It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year."

And I have always thought, yes, Andy Williams got it right. It is the most wonderful time of the year.

But why?

Last year at this time, it was certainly not the most wonderful time of the year. It was a Christmas unlike any other. Joy was non-existent. It was a time of year I look back on and shudder. Things were not really going uphill, though I tried to convince myself they were.

But why is this year different? Because I've gotten better? Because things in life have turned around? Because I've gotten better friends? Because teaching has been going well?

While those are all certainly things that multiply my joy, they are not why I'm so much looking forward to the Christmas season this year.

Joy doesn't come from those things. And I think that was my fault last year.

I was looking for joy in all the wrong places. I looked on TV. I looked in my family. I looked for it in friendships. I looked for it in Christmas trees and songs. I looked everywhere except the only place it could be found.

Joy comes from Jesus alone.

Joy appears in the NIV Bible 242 times. I found Psalm 28:7 during a devotional... My heart leaps for joy and with song I praise Him.


Jesus fills our hearts with joy, because He is perfect. All of those earthly things I mentioned above can lead to fear, disappointment, let down, hurt, discouragement, and hopelessness.

But Jesus can only lead us to joy and to life everlasting.

Are you lacking joy in your life? Look to Jesus. Joy comes from Him alone.

My heart is leaping for joy. Not only because it's Advent/Christmas time, but because He has filled me and made me whole.

Why Just Today?

I have blogger friends world-wide, and for those not in the United States, today may have just been any ordinary day. But in the US, we recognized the national holiday of Thanksgiving.


While the origins of Thanksgiving are often questioned, the moral of the day is still held: a day to sit back and recognize what we as Americans have. 


For Christians, it's a day to thank God for all we have. But why just today?


Why just today? Why is today a special day to thank God for all He has done? What about yesterday? What about tomorrow? How can we spend simply one day focusing on all God has done?


We have a God who is tireless in his love, and fearless in what it takes to save us. His love and faithfulness endure FOREVER! 


And you know what? Some people, I imagine, who are Christians didn't even recognize God today. They tore into their turkey dinners without even uttering one word of thanks to God. And that is sad. 


Our worship numbers last night showed it. People are busy, but it was too much for some people to give up an hour to say thank you to God, to acknowledge God for all He has done.


Isn't it funny- it seems to me that it's so easy to acknowledge God when we have hardships. When things are rough. It's so easy to shake a fist at God and say, "Really God?! Now?! What is this for? I need help!" ....


But then those times when things are good- when things are fine- when things are okay- we don't say anything. We fail to acknowledge God. 


It's something I need to work on. I looked a lot at 1 Thessalonians 5:18 today... "...give thanks in all circumstances..." 


Paul is not saying give thanks FOR all circumstances, but IN all circumstances. You don't have to delight IN suffering, but it is possible to delight DURING suffering. It might not be easy, and it might wear you out, but it is possible, and it is what we are called to do!


Sometimes life gets hard... bills, finances, work, illnesses, broken relationships, etc... But we can give thanks because we have a God who is good.


Why just give thanks today? Why not every day? Why not make the table prayer Grace a prayer for your life? Why not develop Thanksgiving not just as a holiday, but a way to LIVE life!?


God is awesome, God is powerful, God is loving. And best of all, He's OURS! And that's something to be thankful for every day!


My own list of thankfulness from today and the last few days...
-Christmas shopping with my mom. I picked out my gift and gifts for others. And had lunch with mom and enjoyed time with her.


-Thanksgiving Eve worship. I sang with the choir and played organ for the service. It was a beautiful service, with a message about replacing worry and anxiety with Thankfulness.


-Christmas cards. I got up early and prior to Thanksgiving dinner, I wrote my Christmas cards. Anxious to share my Christmas joy with others!


-I was swamped today with Thanksgiving texts and wall posts on Facebook. There are so many people in my life that I am beyond thankful for and blessed to have in my life, and it is such a blessing to hear that bounced back at me- it made my cry when I sat back and reflected and realized how many people count ME as a blessing in their life. For instance, I got this on Facebook, and many like it: "I can honestly say that I am thankful for your presence in my life this semester. Your optimism has been more of a blessing than you will know. Sitting next to you in Dr. U's class has been a joy and an encouragment! Thank you for sharing with us your learnings, wisdom and for your smile as you learn along with us."


-Thanksgiving lunch at noon today at Grandma's! We had... Turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, rolls, green bean casserole, Asian slaw, strawberry-pretzel salad, macaroni salad, stuffing, pumpkin pie, peach pie, and pecan pie. It was all sooooo good and I ate way too much!


-Then, we went to my other grandma's (the one who had a heart attack). My two aunts prepared all the food since grandma couldn't. I didn't eat near as much at her house, but it was nice seeing and laughing to the point of hysteria with them! 


-It has been a good day. I have been thankful. I want to say that at the end of every day.