I've been blogging for 365 days. Yep. Today's the 365th. While, as of late, I haven't blogged every day since December 7 of 2010, I have for a lot of them.
And today, my friends, is the 365th day.
I know I won't have time to blog tomorrow, the actual "anniversary" if you will, of the day I started blogging, but below are the italics of the first blog post I ever wrote, followed by my thoughts now in bold, and then some reflection again later:
The Start of Something New
No one really knows that I am starting this blog. Now, a LOT of people have found the blog, and I couldn't be more happy that they did.
But I am starting it for many reasons- personal reasons, to look back, and reflect on how I've overcome a battle; and also for others to some day understand what it was I was going through; and also for others struggling with depression to understand that there is hope out there. I know I've achieved one of those goals- reflection. WOW, have I ever overcome a lot.
I wish I had started this sooner, because I've already come so far.
But, yet, there is still so far to go. I had no idea...
Today was my second visit with the psychiatrist. Coincidentally, I also had the urge for the very first time today to injure myself. It was scary. Yesterday was probably somewhere around my 12th visit to the psychiatrist. Such a different visit yesterday than the one it was a year ago. I don't remember the "first time" urge to injure myself. That's been wiped from my memory.
I always saw TV shows on MTV or other reality networks where teens were interviewed about injuring themselves. And I can remember thinking "How could anyone be so upset that they would want to inflict pain upon themselves?" and today I finally understood that question as it became reality. I do remember pondering this.
As I became so overwhelmed with emotion and confusion, I leaned over to a stairwell ledge to hurl myself over. I was able to stop myself. =0 I am soooo glad I was able to stop myself! Would I be here today if I hadn't?!
As I walked on, the urge to somehow find a way to deal with the emotions I was having continued. I used my cane to beat myself on the head. I don't remember this. I know it happened because I remember events that happened AFTER it happened- as in, the effects of the cause.
Did I learn anything? It hurts to injure yourself. All that was running through my mind was "Maybe physical pain will make the emotional pain go away."- It was an impulsive action, one that I didn't want to do, and I hope it never happens again. Because, well, it certainly doesn't help anything. It has caused much fear and regret, as a matter of fact. It did happen again. In a different form. But, I have gone now almost 9 months without any of those thoughts. THAT is a victory. And a tremendous victory, if I might add.
They are considering putting me under partial mental hospitalization, a time during which I will undergo intense analysis, work with counselors, a psychiatrist, a dietitian, and other professionals who would work together to help bring me through this time. It's a struggle for me- if I continue having the urges, then I must go through with it. If I show improvement, it becomes an option. That never happened. It came so close twice in February. I am proud that it never DID happen, because I proved that I was strong enough to come out of this only with the help of God and my own personal strength. I can't help but wonder what life would be like if I HAD gone.
And tonight I begin a new journey as I begin taking Mirtazapine, a drug that will hopefully act as a crutch to my other medication, Lexapro. Dr. Buda said today that I will only stay on Mirtazapine for 4-6 months to help the Lexapro get a move on working. I am currently off of both of those medications for a number of reasons. I went off of Lexapro in February and Mirtazapine in June.
And now, I see a little light start to reappear at the end of the tunnel. It's nice. That light has become a FULL BEAMING SUN BABY! :D WOOHOO!
And I promise to end each post with the positives that happened each day. Because depression makes it so hard to think of positives- even though they are right there.
-I was able to find transportation to Lincoln. This was a big deal, I remember, because my ride stood me up and I was not physically able to drive myself yet.
-I was able to reconcile with a friend. Don't remember who this was or what happened.
-I was able to spend time with a friend who I haven't seen in a while. Again, same as the above.
-I was able to walk a short distance without a cane. What a victory that must have been!
-I am blessed to be surrounded by wonderful, caring people. Not sure who I was referring to here either.
And so a journey begins. And I know that God's love remains constant through all of it. You know what? The journey isn't over! And God's love REMAINS CONSTANT STILL 365 DAYS LATER. Isn't that totally awesome!?
Dylan
But I am starting it for many reasons- personal reasons, to look back, and reflect on how I've overcome a battle; and also for others to some day understand what it was I was going through; and also for others struggling with depression to understand that there is hope out there. I know I've achieved one of those goals- reflection. WOW, have I ever overcome a lot.
I wish I had started this sooner, because I've already come so far.
But, yet, there is still so far to go. I had no idea...
Today was my second visit with the psychiatrist. Coincidentally, I also had the urge for the very first time today to injure myself. It was scary. Yesterday was probably somewhere around my 12th visit to the psychiatrist. Such a different visit yesterday than the one it was a year ago. I don't remember the "first time" urge to injure myself. That's been wiped from my memory.
I always saw TV shows on MTV or other reality networks where teens were interviewed about injuring themselves. And I can remember thinking "How could anyone be so upset that they would want to inflict pain upon themselves?" and today I finally understood that question as it became reality. I do remember pondering this.
As I became so overwhelmed with emotion and confusion, I leaned over to a stairwell ledge to hurl myself over. I was able to stop myself. =0 I am soooo glad I was able to stop myself! Would I be here today if I hadn't?!
As I walked on, the urge to somehow find a way to deal with the emotions I was having continued. I used my cane to beat myself on the head. I don't remember this. I know it happened because I remember events that happened AFTER it happened- as in, the effects of the cause.
Did I learn anything? It hurts to injure yourself. All that was running through my mind was "Maybe physical pain will make the emotional pain go away."- It was an impulsive action, one that I didn't want to do, and I hope it never happens again. Because, well, it certainly doesn't help anything. It has caused much fear and regret, as a matter of fact. It did happen again. In a different form. But, I have gone now almost 9 months without any of those thoughts. THAT is a victory. And a tremendous victory, if I might add.
They are considering putting me under partial mental hospitalization, a time during which I will undergo intense analysis, work with counselors, a psychiatrist, a dietitian, and other professionals who would work together to help bring me through this time. It's a struggle for me- if I continue having the urges, then I must go through with it. If I show improvement, it becomes an option. That never happened. It came so close twice in February. I am proud that it never DID happen, because I proved that I was strong enough to come out of this only with the help of God and my own personal strength. I can't help but wonder what life would be like if I HAD gone.
And tonight I begin a new journey as I begin taking Mirtazapine, a drug that will hopefully act as a crutch to my other medication, Lexapro. Dr. Buda said today that I will only stay on Mirtazapine for 4-6 months to help the Lexapro get a move on working. I am currently off of both of those medications for a number of reasons. I went off of Lexapro in February and Mirtazapine in June.
And now, I see a little light start to reappear at the end of the tunnel. It's nice. That light has become a FULL BEAMING SUN BABY! :D WOOHOO!
And I promise to end each post with the positives that happened each day. Because depression makes it so hard to think of positives- even though they are right there.
-I was able to find transportation to Lincoln. This was a big deal, I remember, because my ride stood me up and I was not physically able to drive myself yet.
-I was able to reconcile with a friend. Don't remember who this was or what happened.
-I was able to spend time with a friend who I haven't seen in a while. Again, same as the above.
-I was able to walk a short distance without a cane. What a victory that must have been!
-I am blessed to be surrounded by wonderful, caring people. Not sure who I was referring to here either.
And so a journey begins. And I know that God's love remains constant through all of it. You know what? The journey isn't over! And God's love REMAINS CONSTANT STILL 365 DAYS LATER. Isn't that totally awesome!?
Dylan
I am so glad that I started this blog. It has connected me to people all over the world, those whom are known followers, and those who read whom I may never know read or obtained help from my words. And that's okay.
Things have changed. Never would I imagine things would have taken turns in the way that they did, but they did, I have mourned, I have coped, and I have moved on with my life.
My psychiatrist and I had a long visit yesterday, and after thoroughly contemplating and discussing some things, we are adding one medication to my mix and removing another. Tomorrow, I will begin taking L-methylfolate. I think it will be a change that will make things even better and remove just a few tiny issues from what's going on. Nothing serious, but hopefully something that can be changed. I am at peace with the decision to switch, and I pray that it is a change for the better and we don't totally throw something out of whack in the process. God is faithful, however.
Here are some good things that are going on NOW:
-Lots, lots, lots of joy. So much, in fact, that when people on campus say, "How are you?" I say, "I am so blessed right now." And it's true. And it feels so good that I can say that with a proud smile and a boost of confidence.
-The BESt mentor on the planet. She has blessed my life in more ways than I could ever describe.
-The BEST friends on the planet. How did I miss out on these people being in my life a year ago? I believe that God allowed the previous "friendships" in my life dissolve so I might experience His love through these other people. They have touched me more than is imaginable.
-I have an insatiable desire to learn new things, research, and methodology for reading instruction. I cannot wait to begin pursuing a Master's and PhD.
-I now have well over 1,000 children's books. Just throwing that out there.
-I had the most amazing cooperating teacher and I am thankful for our continued friendship.
-I have been BEASTING the Insanity workout! I thought I would have given up after 4 days, but we are rolling into Day 8 of the program and I am still going strong and I look forward to that part of my day, every day.
-It's Christmastime. Enough said.
-On my way back to campus from teaching today, I realized I can crank the bass of my vehicle up to a +8 level. Can you say bumpin'?
-WOOHOO! :D
Dylan, I loved your reflections/commentary on your first post. I'm glad you've gotten so much better.
ReplyDeleteAlso when you wrote, "The light has become a full beaming sun baby" I pictured a baby in the sun. Like a sun baby. haha. :)
^Like the teletubbies? Do you guys even have them?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.google.co.uk/search?rlz=1C1SKPM_enGB422GB422&gcx=w&q=teletubby+sun&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hl=en&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&ei=lhvfTqaJHMyx8QPL7ejDBA&biw=1366&bih=643&sei=lxvfTv7NNJC-8gO24aDkBA
But yeah, Dylan, I love this, it is so encouraging and a great thing to read to start my morning. I am so happy for you for where you're at now & seeing the progress has been incredible; thank you for letting me be witness to it. I'm so excited for everything else your future has in store!
I was that friend that you reconciled with, Dylan!
ReplyDeleteDylan,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to e-mail my response to you, but I could not find an e-mail. I'm sorry if this comment is long. Dylan, you are inspiration to me. I have really been struggling this week, and I'm so encouraged by your progress! I get so down on myself for continuing to struggle. May I ask you do you still struggle with thoughts of SI? You are so much more open about your journey than me, and I admire that so much about you! I have come along way too, but I often wonder will it ever not be a struggle for me. Do you have any advice for those who have been where you are or were? Is your family understanding about your journey? I have a gmail address listed at my blog. Thanks!